A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been asking this question to myself, over and over for a long time now. When I think I found an answer, something else comes up and places me back where I do not want to be. We were together for 10 years. We were going to be married. That never happened. When it ended, we tried to remain friends. We did this for 6 years. For me, this would get complicated and confusing because we would end up in a place that to me was more than just being a friend. When I would ask the question, "What is this?" The answer would be either "I don't know." or no answer at all. In the end, I was starting to feel like I was her bailout. She would come to me when there was something wrong, nothing going on, or wanted something. Then after she got whatever she wanted, or enough time has passed, or someone new came along, she would go away, and I would be alone again. I finally told her that I could no longer do this because it just hurt too much. When I did this, she had found someone new, and no longer needed me. So, what I said did not matter. The few times I have seen her since, my heart has always dropped. I have cut all ties, seen and have been with others. But when I end up back at "Square One", I am not thinking about the latest one, I'm thinking about her.Is there anything more I can do to forget her? I feel that I am running out of time, and have wasted enough already. I am also afraid that I will never feel what I once had ever again.For whatever help you can give me, Thank You. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 September 2013):
Therapy.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Is this the only girlfriend you ever had? In the six years you were "friends", did you not go out and date?
This is why staying friends with an ex is a bad idea! It just brings more hurt, and drags the pain out and eats away at you for even longer.
Good thing you finally put an end to it and said stop! I am glad that you did, and happy for you, because finally you can start to heal and move on from her! And you will. But you need to put some space and time between you and her. I know that isn't much comfort right now, but as each day passes by without her being in your life, you will heal more and more by each day, and you will think of her less and less.
First I suggest you celebrate. Celebrate being free from her, celebrate a NEW START, a new era if you like. A new chapter in your life, where you are free, single, and ready to mingle. Celebrate by doing something or getting something you have wanted for so long, but never had the guts to do. Or, celebrate by inviting friends/family over and have a party. Do whatever you like. Personally, after a break-up, I would go get a new haircut, take a trip abroad (whatever was cheapest and closest in time, when my ex-fiancée and I split up I booked a week in Rhodes, Greece, and flew just a week after the break-up). I also have a tradition of buying myself new expensive shoes. But I'm a chick, and I love shopping. You do something YOU enjoy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): You say you are afraid you will never again feel what you had with her? Let's hope not! You have to take off your rose colored glasses and see her for who she really is. She hasn't been that nice to you. She calls you when she is lonely and she forgets you when she finds someone "better." When you ask her how she feels about you, she remains short and vague and keeps you guessing. Probably to keep you as an option for in case it doesn't work out with the guy she actually wants to be with. Cause this woman does not like to be alone. That's what you are afraid of not having to deal with ever again? You are deluding yourself right now. Her actions are not of someone who loves you. She does not love you. I feel like you need a smack in the face. You need to wake up and remind yourself every time you think of her that she does not love you. You are pining over a woman who majorly takes you for granted. And deluding yourself into believing she is something she is not. She loved you at one time and she does not love you anymore and she is not even trying to hide it and instead is making it so obvious. It hurts I know but you need to accept reality. You are living in a fantasy world. Write post it notes around your house if you have to, to remind yourself that she does not love you. Stop chasing someone and sabotaging your happiness for someone who does not love you. Just stop it. Get your dignity back. She does not love you. That is the only thing you should be thinking about when she crosses your mind. Accept it. Let it sink in till there is absolutely no doubt in your mind. Be angry, get a punching bag and beat the shit out of it, let out your fury, cause it is outrageous and it sucks and it hurts. But get it out of your system. And let the fantasy go.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Ten years is a huge chunk of your life, but it does not compare to the remaining 40 or 50 years of your life remaining.
You have experienced what almost everyone else has...a bad relationship where you got hurt, yours just probably went on for a lot longer because you couldn't let go.
So why couldn't you let go?, let's look at the reasons.
Because she was perfect for you?...reality: She wasn't so perfect for you.
Because you assumed you could get things back on track?...reality: She had already destroyed the relationship, only she could fix it, because she broke it...it was out of your hands.
Because you are afraid you may never find the same feelings again?...reality: The 'feelings' you had were in your head alone and had little to do with her and her shitty behaviour. If those feelings are in your head, then they cannot be taken away from you and they can also be found for other people. You just have to detach the feelings you have from who she actually was and what she did to you.
You need to identify what these feelings actually mean. Are they really a true indication of a perfect relationship? or are they your ideal? You need to really focus and separate fiction from reality.
You have wasted enough time...nothing truer or more poignant than this my friend, you have wallowed and lamented and tortured yourself and where has it gotten you?...nowhere.
If you feel that a new relationship is unattainable at this time, turn the tables, move the goal posts, put yourself on a tangent and go and fix your mind elsewhere. Take yourself out of your comfort zone and do something out of the ordinary.
I work full time, but was wallowing over and ex and I decided to go help out at a food bank...wow, it was an eye opener. Hard work, fun, heart wrenching and thoroughly rewarding...i was scared at first but now I love it.
Not saying you have to do this exactly but pick something else...get yourself out in the world and mix and socialise and discover...stir things up and get your focus away from the memory of her.
Life goes on and you have many many years to fill, don't assume that your romantic life is over, because that's just dumb thinking.
Seize the day!!!
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