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How do you get over someone cheating on you?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 April 2009) 6 Answers - (Newest, 22 September 2010)
A female New Zealand age 36-40, *esha writes:

Help how do you get over someone cheating on you. My huusband and I have been married 10years and we have one son. He has always been someone that needs alot of time alone and gets grumpy if he feels over crowded. Latley he has been even worse very distant and unaffectionate. A couple of weeks ago he didnt come home from work (he is a night worker and finishes at 5am)he finially rung me at 5pm that night with an excuse of drinking to much and not knowing where he was and fell asleep, when I expressed disbelief at this reason he got real shitty at me for not believing him. So I said I did and that I was worried about why he had been so cold lately he said that everything was ok. I said to him if he doesnt want to be with me he needs to let me be free to find someone that does, he said no he loves me and wants to stay. over the next couple of days he was still real cold so I asked hime if there was someone else he said dont be silly "your the only women I can handle let anlone another one". As well all this he wasnt interested in having sex with me for about 5 weeks saying things like he just doesnt have the sex drive at the moment. A couple of days ago I was onthe computer and i found a conversation he was having with an 18 yr old from his work. I went on about how nice it was to lie in each others arms and how it wasnt a one night stand and that they would see how things went. I drove to his work and asked him at first he denied it but then he said yes it had happened, I asked was he going to do it again he said I dont know, what happened next was not pretty, while we were fighting I kept asking him why, he finally said that I didnt do it for him anymore! I went home calmed down packed up to bags of his stuff went back to his work dumped the bags asked for keys back, said to him I hope you feel good and left. I loved this man beyond compare he was my everything im crushed and fighting to make it thru the days. The ist day I was adamant that I never want to see him again, he has made no effort to contact me or our son which is no suprise. I t makes me sick that he is happy when I am so miserable he got rid of me, so he could be with his teenager, hes left me with all the bills and about $11000 worth of debt, I will have to cut back on hours at work to look after our son, and he has no finacial worries at all. Please give me some advice to stay strong and get thru this im trying so hard for my sons sake but i feel like im dying inside.

View related questions: at work, crush, debt, one night stand, sex drive

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010):

I really feel for you, this has also happened to me and although we are trying to work thngs out i dont think i will ever really trust again, it will take you some time, but things WILL get

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A female reader, Free Yourself United States +, writes (27 June 2010):

Wow im really sorry to hear about your troubles. I would suggest you contact child care services and sue him. You should not have to struggle taking care of the child he help you create. Start doing more things you enjoy doing like shopping,exercise,get your hair and nails done. You have to love yourself before you can allow yourself to get over the heartache k. Have no mercy on this jerk take him for everything he owes you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009):

I also had a similar experience - found out my husband was professing his love to another woman - someone i know very well and actually LIKED! - when i checked his emails after he became very distan with me.

But i caught up with them before teh sex happended, and he asked me to stay in teh marriage to work it out. But in so doing he wasted no time in telling me it was MY fault, that if i was the wife that he wanted he would have no need for another woman, that i was cold and cynical, wrapped in my own life.

Its funy but that is excactly how i felt abt him; he always did his own thing - sports, work, tours etc. I alweays stood in teh sidelines and never relaly felt part of his life, and if he had to tell me anything was wrong, he would attack me verbally, blaming me as a person rather than what i did that he perceived was wrong. butI invest ed years and years in this marriage (18), and i also don't want to upset my son's life so i also decided to try and make teh ammriage work, but is HARD!

I cannot stop myself wondering what he's doing, who he's meeting. And to top it all we still see the other women as he teaches her son karate, so shes at all teh club events.

PAINFUL. and the pain doesn't go away.

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A female reader, tesha New Zealand +, writes (20 April 2009):

tesha is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thank you to those that told me to move on i will be reading your messages again to keep myself strong believe me I do not wnat to chase this man. Thank you for your caring words

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009):

You did the right thing in the way you reacted. You did it for you and your sense of self worth. Whilst you don't see it - you actually have the 'higher ground'.

There are some practical things I would do. I would make a plan of how you could survive this on your own - all the steps you need to take. I would get legal advice on where you stand regarding finances. Trust me on this too.

Your husband will NOT last with an 18 year old girl and deep down he knows it. What happened with him is pure fantasy land and he will wake up to it soon enough and realise what he has thrown away. He has not called you because he is clearly a stubborn man and he is humiliated. Tough.

The more you do for yourself right now the more of your self-esteem you will get back - even small things like "today I'm going to completely tidy that room out" and do it. Realise you can get through this - start small. Your husband has nothing. No wife and no son to enjoy the comforts and joys of.

He has a choice right now and you have to let him make it otherwise, should he eventually come back to you if you have begged and pleaded with him he will know he could do it to you again and again and you will never know if he returned because it was second best.

Either he wants to kid himself there is any substance in his 'bit on the side' or he wants to be a decent man and support his wife and son. In the meantime the very best thing you can do is to secure your own situation and obtain the information and support you need to at least function day to day.

Sitting at home and worrying will make you weaker and weaker. Write yourself a little daily plan and don't isolate yourself. You have done nothing wrong and can hold your head up high - whereas your husband is surrounded by shame.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009):

Before I don't know why women still accept their husbands or boyfriends after they cheated. Now, as I experience this myself, I can say that it is really difficult to be in this situation. Your brain tells you to leave but your heart doesn't. You got used to being around this person and you've invested a lot of time and emotion on him.

What I can say is, as you are his wife and he lived with you. Just let him be for now and stick to your decision..i know it is very difficult but let him realize that you can live without him. For this thing, maybe for now..he will accept being away from you and your child..but later..he will realize how you are important to him.

What he feels for this other girl is only infatuation and sooner or later..this feelings will subside. Things will be boring for the two of them. Believe me!! And be strong!!

If things don't turn up well like if he didnt come back. Then it means he doesn't love you enough which says that you don't deserve a man like him. The earlier you forget him the better..whether he comes back or not. Don't go chasing him. He is stupid enough to leave you for an 18 year old girl. It only says how cheap he is.

However, if he comes back and ask for forgiveness. Take him but give your conditions. Forget about the past and NEVER bring it out again. Time will heal your wounds but if you keep bringing it up to him..both your life will be miserable.

I believe however that separating from him is not always the best answer. A lot of couples have stronger relationships after something like this happens..but its all up to you. If you can't take what he did and believes he will do it in the future, then leave him for good. If its just one mistake and when you know he is capable of changing can still accept him.

Goodluck to you.

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