A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like now is the time to end my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years. I have had doubts for quite some time now, I feel unhappy, I feel like I've outgrown him and I'm just not that interested anymore. However, I do really care about him and love him as a person, I'm just not IN love with him.I know that the feeling will not be mutral and it will come as a massive shock to him and hit him hard. I feel awful to have to do this because he often speaks of a future together and I just don't want to break his heart (we were eachother's first teenage loves) but obviously I can't keep stringing him along. I've finally come to the realisation that I need to be brave and just end it as I have been horrible and cheated on him with a one-night-stand. Suprisingly, although I don't want to be a hurtful girlfriend I actually really enjoyed being with someone else and don't feel any regrets about sleeping with another man, which is why I really feel that I've come to a point where I don't want to rescue the relationship. I suppose my problem is I feel scared to end it. I am just terrified of his reaction and I don't feel strong enough to be firm and end it if he were to get upset, as I care about him and I'd just want to comfort him. I would like any advice on someone who's had to break up with their long term partner for similar reasons because obviously I am really upset that it has come to this too and how do I deal with the 'emotional turmoil' of the breakup. Also is there a particually good time for a breakup? He has recently started a new job and I wouldn't want our breakup to effect that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): There's never a good time to initiate a break up - the sooner the better just so you don't waste anymore of his time. You will be a wreck if you know you are going to break up with him but just haven't yet and he is there with you having no clue whatsoever. So spare yourself that as well and do it as soon as possible.
You don't have to tell him you cheated on him, that is not the reason you are breaking up. The reason you are breaking up is because you just are not happy with him, you two are just not right for each other and therefore what is the point of continuing?
Be calm but don't beat around the bush, be direct. You could maybe prepare him ahead of time by setting an appointment with him, tell him you have something serious to discuss with him, can he meet you at this time and place to discuss it? that way when he shows up he won't be expecting fun and games and will be at least a bit more prepared, maybe??
Good luck!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): I am a cheater, thanks for clearing that up for me. And yes, I know I've ended the relationship, that's why I came on here to ask how to do so. And yes, he has cheated on me in the past and I accepted it at the time and moved through that. And no, I haven't considered couples councilling because like I said in my question I really don't want to rescue the relationship, plus I'm 18 and he's my boyfriend, not my husband. I really am not upset that I cheated, I'm happy I did so as it was a moment of clarity, and at least I've made a firm decision. If I were to tell him I cheated it would only rub salt in his wounds, he's gonna feel bad anyway why make things worse for him? I know I'd rather be let down gently, me telling him would only be me clearing my conscious, it would in no way help him get over it. And I finished with him yesterday, the first time I've seen him since I slept with someone else, and yes I, I, I am upset. Seriously how could I come on here and ask a question about MY life without using the first person and stating my feelings on the situation. An ignorant, presumtious answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): Written like a CHEATER. There's no relationship without trust and honesty. The day you cheated on him and continued to keep it from him YOU ended the relationship. If you were so unhappy why didn't you end it before cheating. I'm so tired of hearing your type of stories, I'm so unhappy, I I I. Put yourself in his shoes, if he cheated on you how would you feel? Would you accept it? Of course NOT. You never mentioned couples counseling. Why didn't you try it before taking the cowardly route of cheating. I would suggest that you tell him asap and not waste anymore time of HIS life. If he chooses not to forgive you and wants to move on without you as you want, LET him go without the fake tears. I say this because if you loved him, may it be only as friend, you would have told him sooner than later. He has every right to know that you cheated. You don't want him anymore so why would you not want to tell him. I would want to know. The breakup will be challenging for HIM but it would be the best according to your words on the relationship. Why would you want to spend time with him for the holidays? Haven't you taken enough from you. Don't be selfish. Don't continue to lie and lead him on. In the long run you will be hurting him more. He has a right to move on without you.
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female
reader, princessgabby  +, writes (26 November 2010):
Honestly if you feel like something is wrong end it. He will be fine and will know its for the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): Thanks for the reassurance, I know what I have to do, it's just finding the courage! The good thing is we do have seperate lives and friends so hopefully neither of us will feel too alone... I know it's going to be tough but I will just give it a few days with no contact and tell him after the weekend. I won't tell him I cheated it, I believe if I'm going to end it anyway he'll already be hurting without rubbing salt in the wounds and there's no way he could find out from anyone else, but yeah I just hope everything works out for the best and can get on with our lives and one day perhaps be friends!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): I agree with the above post but I think as he has just started a new job its not a good time. Does he have any holiday over the next few weeks planned? At least he could have time to himself to come to terms with the shock etc and does he have family and friends to support him. Four years is a long time and he obviously really loves you and wants a future with you so he wont take it well. Be kind but firm, tell him face to face and be prepared for him to get upset and angry, to cry and to be in denial. You obviously care about him and want him to be ok. There is no easy way to hurt someone but there are fair ways of doing it. One day it could be you on the other side of break up and you will then feel his pain. Thats life and its not easy but you cant stay with him out of pity. It might be an idea to tell him you have cheated on him then he wont want you back anyway. This sounds hurtful but at least he will have a reson to stop loving you.
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female
reader, Sarah_Beara  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months over the summer time. That may not seem like a long time compared to your 4 years, but I absolutely loved him. I knew I would have to break up with him, if I ever wanted to see what it's like outside of our relationship. I'd honestly tell you're boyfriend about how you've cheated on him, and see what his reaction is. In case he can't trust you anymore from that, or is willing to forgive you. If he's really in love with you, he'll forgive you. But breaking up is really hard. If you're insanely close to him, and know all of his friends and hang out with them, it might be a bit harder, since you're ripping that away from you. I wouldn't talk to him for a couple of days, if you're not that close, or be a bit more quite then usual. Make your self feel off, and confront him before he confronts you. Sorry if this doesn't help, but I broke up with my boyfriend out of the blue. He called me 3 times before I broke up with him, and I never answered. I went online and i.m.ed him, and told him that it wasn't working out. He called me all that night, but it felt so good to do it. I'm best friends with him now, and he's admitted to crying a lot over it. It still have all of the presents he's given me, just as a reminder of the good times I've had with him. He has a girl friend of 6 months and I have my own boyfriend now. But I hope something good comes out of it, when and if you break up with your boyfriend.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (25 November 2010):
 You have been with him a long time and have not had any other relationships. This means you really don't have any basis or standard to measure whether or not he is "the one."
No, there is never a good time to initiate a breakup. However, you cannot not do it because you're scared of how he'll react - do you fear he might gtet violent? If so, I would recommend meeting him in a public place to deliver the bad news........
Bottom line is, you have to take care of yourself, and consider what is in your best interests. I think you need to let him know that while you value what has gone on between you, and that you do care about him, regretfully, you see no future for the two of you. It will hurt, yes, but there's always an element of hurt involved in ending a relationship.
Think of it this way: you are setting him free and giving him the opportunity to eventually meet a woman he can be hsppy with - in addition to giving yourself that same chance......good luck!
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