A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have been back and forth on this for months now. I've had this boyfriend that is very clingy, immature and I just don't see it going anywhere anymore. He had a history of lying in the past so I don't trust him anymore either.We've been together more than 3 years but it's been on/off for the past 6 months. I keep trying to break up with him but he won't let me? He has crying fits, vows to change, says he will kill himself etc.We spent a bit of time apart, and the strange thing was that I missed it? I don't know if it was him I missed though. I hated being alone so I'm wondering if maybe I'm just dependent on having someone? I haven't been alone since I started university and he was my one support figure, even while he was driving me crazy. Most of my friends arent around, and my parents live far away so all I have is the phone to talk to people, I don't have anyone to hang out with in person to keep me busy and such.Basically how do I end this for good? He really guilt trips me and I feel horrible when he cries and then I cry and give in. This has been going on for too long. He asked me to marry him too and I said no. He just wont understand that I don't feel like I love him anymore. I feel nothing when he kisses me and cringe if he wants to try anything else. I have told him this and he still says that "we'll make it work" He won't give up. He's behaved really well the past month but I think its too little too late. I like how he treats me now but i just dont feel attracted to him anymore. I'm stuck between having someone that I dont know if my feelings will come back vs. being alone for the first time in years and I don't know if i can handle it? I tried counselling but it didnt help.I dont know what to do, please help ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): hi there.I am facing exactly the same situation that you faced. i used 'faced' because it seems its a 2009 post and i hope you must be out of the relationship by now. I am looking forward to know how you broke up. It would be helpful.
A
female
reader, melonpan  +, writes (10 December 2009):
omg this sounds EXACTLY like my situation right now..what did you do?
im so confused and lost right now, and he is the same type of person, hes said he would change too, thing is he has, but not enough...hes lied to me so much now, and i've caught him too he dosn't know it though...
I feel so betrayed, a few weeks ago he hit me too, he wouldn't let me go and he was acting crazy when i said we needed to break up, but im stuck living with his parents, they are asian and dont speak english so i didn't want his parents to get involved so i submitted, normally i call the shots on occaisions i am by no means a pushover, but, hes alot physically stronger then me, he said he'd never hurt me, hes tried to run away and broken my trust for him so many times, hes exactly the same as that guy, the thing is i KNOW FOR SURE my boyfriend would kill himself, i really do. Its not just a way of getting what he wants, I saved him from it many times, hes tried crashing his car before too..
whats even crazier though is were supposed to be soulmates, but hes just too much work, i really can't deal with him anymore, i think apart of him thinks i wont find someone else...he used to push me away now hes clinging, hes too clingy just like that, wont let me go when i ask and all he says is 'calm down baby calm down'
and ill be like 'dont call me baby, give me space!'
he'll go ' baby....its okay'
im so frustrated! and right now i am really in no position to leave him i have no one out here at all, and i have to live with him for a few more weeks, ( i move in with some rooomates)
I need him to get an id at the moment so i really can't leave yet, im scared he'll find out this message and freak but you know what? ;_; he should learn from it! dosn't it bother him that his girlfriend has zero trust for him, dosn't he want to change? T^T ...thanks for letting me vent..
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 September 2009):
This relationship is dead, you know it. You end it sharply, with a quick conversation in a public place so he can't kick off. He's being selfish and he doesnt respect you when he has his emotional outbursts. So, you go to a public place, you look him in the eye and say calmly that is it over. You then delete his phone number in front of him and say you DO NOT expect any texts or calls. You then leave him. When he starts calling, don't answer. When he cries, says he will kill himself, remember that this is a trick he has used before and it has worked. You stay strong, you don't give in. Ignore him. He's just being pathetic. You deserve better that a guy who lies about changing himself. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Then, while you're at uni, develop more friendships and find other people. There are other great guys out there, so find one of them instead.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 Emotional blackmail. It is damn hard to deal with but if you don't, it will just go on and on because he knows it works.
So, you got to break it off and break it off hard and accept that there are no easy solutions.
So, end it. No more calls, no more talks, no more texts, no more e-mails, no friends passing messages etc etc. If he continues, get a restraining order.
He will continue to behave like this because it works for him. You can't change that, you can only stop yourself from being abused like this.
And this is abuse. He is controlling you. Really makes no difference wether someone controls you with violence or emotional blackmail, you end up their prisoner.
But you for yourself got to get over your fear of being alone. If you can't then you will continue to drift from bad relationship to bad relationship as you give in to the first guy to give you the time of day.
You ain't a disney princess, you don't have to go for the first guy that comes along. Learn to be your own person so you don't become dependant on abusers who prey on woman like you.
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