A
female
age
41-50,
*atiekate
writes:How do you deal when your significant other has an ex-wife (or ex-husband), and they have a reasonably pleasant relationship? How do you avoid feeling inferior or second best?
View related questions:
ex-wife Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 February 2012):
 I never see myself as second best. After all, he is with me and has been for 15 years, they lasted barely 2 1/2.
One thing I did learn and learn fast, was to NEVER compare myself to her or let my hubby make any comparisons, it isn't a competition.
If he puts his ex first and you second, he isn't worthy of you.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 Let me know when you figure it out! I can totally relate to your feelings. When I met my husband he was not over his former girlfriend although they hadn't been together in 3 years. He had left the house exactly like it was when she left, even down to the crayon marks on the walls where her 3 illegitmate brats had scribbled on the walls. Although she stole money and valuables from him when she left he still tried desperately to win her back. When I first started seeing him, I went slow. I knew he wasn't over her but as our relationship advanced into love I expected things to change. They didn't. He still jumped everytime the phone rang. He kept all her mail like it was a treasure, just because her name was on the envelope. Even when the bill collectors called about bills she ran up in another state, he paid for them. WTF! Everything he talked about her all he'd ever say was how talented she was; or how much fun they had together. The woman was bipolar and abusive. I couldn't stand it. 5 years into the relationship with him, I had to literally start throwing things away when I'd find them; old pictures and videos of her; weird stuff she left behind that he had saved. I felt like I had to perform an exorcism on the house just so our relationship could survive. I was lucky she moved out of state because for years I feared that if she came knocking he'd take her back. It was just that bad! So I totally know what you mean about feeling inferior; or like you're living in the shadow of someone else. All I can say is try not to let him know how much it bothers you. My husband and I cannot talk about his ex without him gettng mad because he eventually figured out that some of "his treasures" had disappeared. Duh! I certainly didn't bring in a bunch of stuff from my exes and I had to point out it was bad karma to keep too many reminders. He still acts like the woman was a saint to this day, even though she was the biggest ho who just used him and moved on. Why are men so blind to things like this? And why can't they see the awesome person they're with now?....Let me know if you ever figure that one out! xoxo
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2012):
 if you were second best they wouldn't be an ex to the first and you would not have them as an SO
you don't leave perfection.... and perfection does not leave you....
if you put your SO's former partner on a pedestal you create a perfection you can't match.... sadly you won't really get to see all their flaws so it will take a long time for them to tumble off of it....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Its a choice to view yourself as second best.
Of course, if you are with someone who is still emotionally invested and still falls into the patterns of being married to their EX- doesn't help either.
I will say an honest, loving man that lives fair and wants to adore the woman he loves, will be able to listen to her and see that HER HAPPINESS matters and not people pleasing behaviours or will not worry about what others think of him.
You need to be open and honest about what it is about your BF or Significant other and how he treats you. He listens to your counsel FIRST. He puts you and your relationship FIRST.
If he is not willing to do this, you find that special Man that WILL.
...............................
|
