A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 23 year old trans male.So I've been single for well over five years now. I dated 1 girl in school and another in college. The first girl broke my heart (original I know.) So it kind of messed up my second relationship because of confidant issues. We broke up several times because I was still hung up on my ex and thought I wouldn't be good enough for her and she was dealing with abuse at home. We weren't good with each other but were great friends, and eventually the spark died and we stayed broken up for good. We're still great friends though to this day.After that I kind of just recoiled into a shell and never really tried dating, but I'm getting tried of it now. I'm really easy going and have a lot of female friends who always use the phrase "There's someone out there that's perfect for you." It gets really tiring to hear.I've tried dating sites like tinder, grinder, (I'm bisexual by the way.) But the thing is, that most of the matches I get, whenever I try to talk to them they just don't respond, so I leave them be, and when they do respond and I mention being trans they just back peddle like hell. It's really disheartening, and the people on grinder just act like I'm a novelty to them, they find the trans thing interesting and just want to fuck a trans person for hell of it, ect, ect.I get the feeling that I'm a freak and it's obviously just too much baggage for people to handle, and I'm sick and tired of people being judgmental. I've had a couple of people interested but they're not people I imagine building a future with. I have a very outgoing personality to people I've gotten to know, but I only seem to attract people that are for the lack of a better word unstable. Either drug addicts, people on benefits because they just refuse to work. I don't judge, I never have, I'm told that's why I'm easy to talk to, but as a result I'm just attracting people who are self destructive, I've attempted to date a couple of these people, hoping that maybe it could work but they have so many issues, (That I also have myself.) and I just can't find the energy to to try and save both of us. If it was someone I really thought I'd have a future with, I'd fight. But I can't find the will to fight for these other people because I feel like it's too much effort to just 'settle.'I've only been on one 'offical' date in my life, (I was friends with my girlfriends before we dated.) and it went terribly. She was a sweet girl but really quiet and spoke all of 10 words to me on the date. I kept bringing up stuff to talk about but she would give me one worded answers and it was really off-putting. I don't wanna have to do it again, so dating is almost not happening.I think the major problem is that I don't really go anywhere to meet other people. I live in a smallish town where everyone knows each other, and of course, people know I'm trans and run away. I haven't had sex in about 2 years, and before that was it was three. I want to have more sex as well, but everyone I meet just treats me like a novelty. No one actually finds me attractive, and any that say they do, it sounds like pity. The only time I ever have sex is drunk and even then it's rare because I still have to talk about the trans thing, and sometimes they're still interested but then they leave in the morning and it's back to square one. I don't wanna meet a life partner drunk anyway. The club is not a place for love. I hate going out drinking because I hate crowds, I hate having to yell, bumping into people. I'm terrified of getting started on for using the mens toilets, (I've had top surgery, so I've very male looking but the thought ruins my night.) and 90% of the time the toilet door doesn't lock so I don't wanna risk going.I've also been started on because my brother, (who's 27.) is a notorious womanizer. These women recognize me from when he's brought them home, and they just start on me saying that 'your brothers an asshole.' And I have to tell them that it's not my fault.There's a lot of issues regarding my self esteem. I wasn't good enough for my girlfriends, the only date I had went terribly, the only people who want to have sex with me are either drunk, or want to just be able to say they had sex with a trans person, the people that are interested have no aspirations or are self destructive, my brother (who's 6ft 2in, and has the body of a body builder.) makes me feel like shit next to him, and the women he dates and breaks their hearts look at me like I'm the same as him.But I'm still a very easy going person, I've very bubbly and happy(ish) I'm studying for a masters degree. I'm an author. I want to get married, adopt (or IVF.) I want to settle down, but no one seems to want the same. Or I can't meet people because most that I do just run away. I'm confidant in front of people despite being trans because I refuse to be ashamed, but I still feel like crap when I go home.I think the simple question is; How do meet someone who would want to settle down with me?Because I'm tired of being treat like a novelty.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2018): I'm sorry, OP, but this is just about patience now. If you're doing all the right things, just wait until the right person comes along. No point in dating for the sake of it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2018): To answer some of the questions that I've been asked and to respond to the advice. (Which I thank you all for very much.)I am a member of a trans community. In fact I have a couple of other friends in town who are trans, they both have girlfriends, I ask them for advice which just goes the same way. "Just happened mate." "Don't worry, it'll happen." So it's not exactly useful. -HoneypieI'm in university, I'm commuting to a different one because I wanted to meet more people, but no one seems to talk to each other on the course. I've tried talking to people but everyone is dismissive of each other. So nothing happening there. -HoneypieI understand the whole point of not telling them right away, but I have had some trouble with people calling me out for; "Lying to them." Which I do not need. I get that it's a lot to process for people but if someone found me interesting enough why would it matter whether they knew from the get go or not? I met up with a girl who was trans and she was lovely but she was polygamous "which was not for me." and I couldn't see a problem, never battered an eyelash, because people deserve a chance don't they? -Anon-I stated that I didn't want to want to meet people in clubs. That is just something that happens. I don't do it anymore. Haven't for about 4 years now. -Anon-If not dating apps then where is the best place to meet people? I already do a few extra activities that revolve around my hobbies, but has yet to find anyone that doesn't just give me a weird look. (I have a few piercings by the way.) -Anon-I am aware that I am more than trans, I speak about it so casually in conversations because I want people to be comfortable around me. I want them to know what they are dealing with and to feel that they don't have to hide anything themselves, because I hid for so long myself. -Anon-I understand the risk of dating, I am aware but the thing is; I don't even get a first date. I either message them and get no reply or an awkward chat because they are clearly doing it out of politeness and are not really interested. One of my best skills I think I have, is that I can keep a conversation going; but alas, I no one seems to bother the other side. It's not about dealing with rejection, I don't even have people looking my way. Just odd looks and the like. -Andie's Thoughts-Being trans is not a big thing to me, but more of an achievement, because I spent so long being trapped in who I was, to the point of suicidal, it feels so liberating to be able to look in the mirror and smile at myself for one. To be able to take my shirt of when I go in a pool, trivial things like that make me happy and I'm not going to hide my happiness for that. As I stated before, I'm so casual about it some people don't even notice. -Andie's Thoughts.Therapy is the last thing I need. I already did all of that before finally accepting that I was trans. This isn't something that's spanned from being trans (Not completely anyway.) I've been undesirable for a long time. This isn;t a just because I'm trans thing, it;s just gotten worse because of it. But I am no looker, I'm the person people high five, not hold hands with, because I'm just too much. Too brash, too energetic, too this, too that. It feels more like no one knows how to handle me, and no one cares to even try. No one gives me looks, and as I've stated before, the only ones that do are self destructive people who want to throw their lives away. (I nearly did that myself a few time and I don't want to relive it again.) or people that are unstable. (Like people with severe anger problems.) Spreading my wings as a person is something I do constantly. Trying my hardest in my work to trying and get thinks published, being the crowd cheering at friend gatherings, ect. Andie's Thoughts- I have a lot of love inside me but it's turning more into bitterness everyday, because I'm not what people desire, and I don't know how to change that.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 October 2018):
 *Don’t go on known HOOK UP sites or apps, if you want more than that.
*don’t bother with anyone who makes you feel like being trans is strange or a burden for them. BEING in a relationship with someone who is transitioning can be hard, but that doesn’t mean they should be able to use it against you, as it’s not a choice.
*You are going to HAVE to accept the risks of being rejected and hurt, just like everyone else.
(Caps are where corrections are.)
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 October 2018):
I have been in love with a guy who happened to be trans. He had just had top surgery before we met and had one of the lower surgeries whilst we were together. I knew he was trans when we met online, but I think it is fair to bring it up on the second or third date, rather than before you know if you’re even remotely compatible
Don’t go on known cop sites or apps, if you want more than that. I don’t think casual sex is what you need, by the sounds of your post. A lot of people think it will improve their confidence, but it often leaves them just as insecure, if not more so. Drunk sex is also not a good idea.
You are worth just as much as cis people, so don’t bother with anyone who makes you feel like being trans is strange or a burden for them being in a relationship with someone who is transitioning can be hard, but that doesn’t mean they should be able to use it against you, as it’s not a choice.
Whenever we date anybody we risk being hurt. It doesn’t matter who you are or how you live, it happens to everyone. That’s why, if you do want a relationship, you are going to hath to accept the risks of being rejected and hurt, just like everyone else.
Only you can decide how important being trans is to you. If it’s a big part of who you are, you need someone who is on the same level as you with that. However, if being trans is just a fairly small part of who you are, then find someone who feels the same way. Personally, I loved my boyfriend regardless, so him being trans was barely in my thoughts, unless it was relevant.
What I get from your post is that you may need some therapy to help with how you feel about yourself. I also feel that you need to spread your wings as a person, before trying to find someone to be with. That has nothing to do with you being transgender and everything to do with you seeming like you need to experience positive things that aren’t about dating.
Good luck and be patient with yourself and others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018): HiMy eldest sister was my brother and she had the sex change op forty years ago. She went through hell because things were not as accepted then as they are now. More so anyway.She didn't leap to tell people she was trans gender. She was who she was. That didn't totally define her. So she met people and she told them if they started to get on together. She met the love of her life when she was 34. Nine years after her op. She went to mend his computer at his work place. He asked her out. She didn't tell him straight away, they went on a couple of dates. He was smitten and she told him about herself, thinking he would leave. He didn't and they had a thirty year happy marriage. He died earlier this year sadly. My point is, treat dating like everyone else does. A lot of us have things that we have to divulge at some point while dating, risking being hurt. If someone falls for you, then it won't matter. If you don't treat it like a massive thing, maybe everyone else won't.Meeting people in bars and clubs and then having sex quickly isn't the way to go. Expand your mind, concentrate on you and what you love OUTSIDE of dating and other people. Explore the world and the things in it that interest you. Join groups, volunteer, anything that gets you meeting people in the real world. Ditch Tinder etc, that's not for you. It sounds as if you are interested in a real relationship. You are not likely to find it there. There's more to you than being trans gender isn't there? Let THAT be what people gravitate towards and fall in love with. Don't let this define you totally. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 October 2018):
 People treat you like a novelty, because in a way.. you are one. For some you are just not like other dudes. And for others it's a matter of not understanding your choices and your lifestyle. It just doesn't compute to them. And it's NOT your job to educate them. That is their job.
Have you thought about reaching out to the trans community? There might not be any in your village/town but there might be some close enough for you to get to know.
As for how you find a partner to marry and raise a family with... I can't answer that. What I can say is that other trans people before you have done it, so it's not an impossible task.
If you are in college maybe try joining some groups and meet new people? Volunteer? It might not land you a spouse, but you might meet more people and increase your social circle.
As for the women who think that you MUST be a douche because your brother is... well, you can't fix stupid OP. If they can't see that you are TWO individual then that is THEIR loss...
Chin up.
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