A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my current partner for almost 3 years, been living together for almost 2 years, known each other for a long time. We have a good relationship, he is my best friend and is very supportive.About 9 months ago I cut off contact with my family and we moved interstate. This is due to my father sexually abusing me as a child, and my mother covering it up. I have not yet told them why I cut off contact with them but I am working on a letter and I am currently in counselling.I have kept in contact with my older sister (does not live at home) and her kids. She did not know why I cut off contact either and often nagged me about my parents being upset/confused - but I told her I had my reasons and she accepted that.I confided in my partner's mother and sister about what happened, so they knew that if my parents called them I did not wish to talk to them. They have not been supportive at all really but I am not their daughter or their family, so I accepted that. At least they knew I suppose.Now for the actual problem.Recently my partner's mother visited the state in which my sister lives, so I gave her my niece's and nephew's Christmas presents to pass onto them. I thought it was really nice of her to offer.Today I get a call from my sister saying that my partner's mother told her that I am in counselling for something that happened to me as a child. My sister of course knew what she was talking about (first time anyone has acknowledged this in 10+ years). She asked me about it but I was not ready to talk about it. Otherwise I would have told her.I am furious that my partner's mother told her. This was completely out of line. I was not ready to talk to my sister about this, not ready to face these feelings yet. She had no right to meddle in my life like this. I now have all these emotions that I cannot deal with at this point in time, as well as a whole lot of anger towards her.I find it very hard to trust people (considering the people who were meant to love and nurture me hurt me as a child) and I let my guard down with her only to be burnt.I am seeing white at the moment, so am I overreacting?How do I try and remain civil with this woman when I never want to see her again?Any other general advice would be helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Honeypie.My partner was going to speak to his mother about it, but decided to speak to his father instead (a much more level-headed person).My partner's father plans to speak his wife about what she did, he seems to understand that I feel betrayed, hurt and that she undermined some of the things I was SLOWLY working through in counselling. Not sure if he is going to do it tonight or even tomorrow, because tomorrow is her birthday and I would feel bad if this ruined her birthday. But at the same time, it kind of feels like she ruined my life all over again just as I was trying to piece it back together.Right now I feel so many things that I almost feel numb, and physically sick. I am not sure my partner really understands what I am going through. It is hard to understand unless you are underneath all of the rubble, which is your life.At this point I feel very alone. I was starting to accept my partner's family as a part of my life, people I could trust and at the same time trying to rebuild my relationship with my sister. Now I cannot trust his family (and not sure I ever will, this is not the first time they did something to hurt me like this) and I cannot find the courage to talk to my sister now that my darkest secret has been thrust into the light.This is a very painful time of year for me. Christmas, both my parent's birthdays. It has always been a time of misery in my dysfunctional family and apparently this year holds true to tradition even after removing myself from them.Needless to say, I am not going to be going to her house for Christmas, even for the sake of peace. I hate the holiday and I can no longer bring myself to suffer through it for the sake of someone who does not care about me anyway.If anyone has any more advice, it would be appreciated. I am in a very dark place at the moment. I feel like I have nobody.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 December 2012):
 I'm sorry, she WAY overstepped the boundaries and I understand your anger 100%. For me this is ABSOLUTELY unforgivable.
SHE used this VERY personal and private information to put herself in a position of "gossip power" You know the people who will hint at knowing something (practically BEGGING the other person to keep digging). She didn't hint at it to your sister because she cares, no, this was about HER getting attention and being "interesting" on YOU. Absolutely a wretched thing to do to you.
Have you talked to your husband? What is his take on his mom's behavior? And I would tell him that you have lost ALL respect for her over this. BE honest with your husband.
Also, KNOW you know. This woman is NOT your friend and CAN NOT be trusted with ANY personal info in the future. I would be VERY short-spoken with her and not at all chatty.
You wrote: "She always reminded me about how hard it must be for my parents to not know what they did."
Next time she does this.. Tell her..... SHE IS WRONG!
YOUR dad knows what he did. HE KNOWS it was wrong. IF your MOM covered it up, then SHE knew as well and SHE also knew it was wrong. And then tell her you do not want to discuss this with her EVER again, as you can not trust her.
DO NOT let anyone tell you what happened didn't happen, because it might make THEIR life easier.
You tell your sister that WHEN you are ready you WILL talk about, but not TIL YOU ARE READY.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe knew that my sister and my parents did not know. She knew what she was doing.
She always reminded me about how hard it must be for my parents to not know what they did. She makes me feel like a terrible person about it sometimes. She does not understand that I did not ask to be put in this position, and I am just dealing with it the best that I can.
She has backed me into a corner now, at some point I am going to have to discuss this with my sister when I am not ready to face it yet.
I am going to try and be civil with her, but I am going to avoid contact with her at all costs.
I do a lot for her. In the past 9 months, we have probably had her neutrotic dog for at least 4 of those months. He destroys our fences, our doors, our furniture, harrasses our other pets, pees on the carpet and is an all-round pain in the ass because he is not trained. I have never once complained to her about it, because that is what you do for "family".
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2012):
 There is an old saying "if you want to keep a secret you tell NO ONE"
did you tell your partner's mother that you did not wish her to discuss it with anyone? IF you did not swear her to secrecy then you are at fault. I would have assumed that your sibling would be aware of the issue.
you basically just are civil and polite when you need to be. you don't contact her and only react calmly to questions she asks you.
This is how I cope when I'm angry with folks. I do not initiate contact and when I am forced to have contact, it's clear I don't want it. I don't make eye contact, I do not smile at them, I only answer their questions in the most minimal of ways... A "yes" or "no" or "I don't care"
If they ask for actual information they are given what they need... no more no less.
STATEMENTS are ignored. they do not require a response.
The person learns very quickly that i am not interested in any interactions with them other than what's required.
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