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female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear All,Would appreciate some dating advice please!I am 33 years old, attractive, successful and single. I've had a string of heartbreaks after dating one "player" after the next...However, I've now just met a new man who I do hope will be different! He's 41, and has confessed to me that he used to be a commitment-phobe, but certain aspects of his life has since changed this over the last couple of years. He is handsome, charming and successful - and tells me he is single (I do hope so!!) - works as a Pilot.My problem is that I am finding it hard to trust anything he says, as I am so used to men using every trick in the book to try and get me into bed! Not that I succumb easily! I wonder if anyone can give me any tips on testing whether he himself is a player, like the other men I have dated...? I am aware that I could let me own paranoia ruin any potential I could have with this man, or any future man, so am doing my best to try and remain positive...I would just like some advice, as I can see myself falling for him already (we've only had one date so far!)...but I am determined that I will take this relationship slowly, and see how it pans out.I wanted to ask readers what is a reasonable level of time to wait before getting intimate with a new partner...? Quite clearly, he is already keen! But I need to know that he respects me, and wants more than a casual fling.I would appreciate anyone's dating advice, as I'm so scared of repeating old mistakes and getting hurt.Thanks All,XXX
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reader, TommyWoods +, writes (18 December 2006):
 well if he was commitment-phobe then i think you should let him guide you a little and see what he wants from you but don't lay yourself on a plate for him even if he is very warm towards you and you to him because you will end up too deep too early and this may make him feel as tho he now has an emotional responsibility not to disappoint you and he may get cold feet and this maybe what happend in his past relationships, after all he is a pilot and i would think he is very organized and particular and is suitable to a well organized and independent woman who will not give him much to worry about and he will also be at one in his own company and not wanting to be smothered too much. So i think friendship is the only way you can get to know what he wants without making any commitments or emotional ties that way you can test the waters before you make the plunge. Don't put him through premeditated tests because he may take the bait and i don't think that would say much about him but would say heaps about you. So be patient and try not to get yourself too involved right now, like i say friendship is your best bet and you get to know things about him that you wouldn't in a full on relationship. Good Luck!
TommyWoods
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): I don't know how to tell you if he's a "player" or not. As for whether he is married, ask him to give you his HOME phone number. If he does, that's a good indication, as any married (or has a live-in partner) man would be crazy to part with his home #.
You have only had one date with him. Don't allow yourself to start falling for him at this point! If you entertain fantasies of settling down with this guy he will most likely sense it and get scared off. Make sure you keep occupied with your own activities and while you're certainly interested, let him take something of a back seat.....for example, sometimes I let a day or so go by without looking at email so if a friend has sent one I don't send an immediate answer.......
You should go out on some more dates with him before even thinking about hopping into bed. See how the conversations and comfort level go, and try to get some sense of whether you have similar goals and values, not to mention common interests. You might both like going to concerts for instance, but he's crazy about football, and you're not. Even so, you can talk football with him to some extent, "enter his world" if its something he's really focussed on.
Finally, he may be "keen" but if he respects you he won't push you to have sex with him. Maybe you'll have four or five more dates over say a month, then you will have a better idea.....good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): Hey there, I am a professional dater, just kidding,,,,Slooowwww down, you have had only one date and already you are excited about a relationship with this good looking man....it's always that attraction thing that gets us going insn't it?
You can't judge if someone is a player or not because I think truthfully all men are players until they find the right one....the way to be that right one is to be your authentic self, remain strong and independent, but let him know you like him and want to get to know him better and always demand his respect.
You can set the pace of this relationship by withholding sex for as long as possible to gauge his true interest in you or is he just there for the sex? You have to let him in though, show him some trust so that he will open up to you usually on the third date, just try to relax a little bit and trust your instincts....they are there for a reason---he needs to earn your trust after all, so let him do the work, darn it.
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