A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, and while everything looks fine from the outside, I truly feel like I'm self-destructing my relationship. I love him, and I want to stay with him, yet I am pulling away because I'm afraid of getting hurt. This is my vicious cycle: 1. I get quietly anxious about a problem or a perceived problem2. I feel guilty for feeling unhappy. He’s very good to me, therefore it selfish and trouble-mongering to raise concern. 3. I attempt to resolve my anxieties before I make them an anxiety to others. I try to rationalize a solution to myself.4. If I cannot resolve my anxiety, I will ask for outside opinions on my problem.5. If I cannot resolve my anxiety through the problem solving of self or others, I start to believe the relationship is failing. I prepare myself to be let go.6. I start to distance myself from getting hurt. I raise concern with him, fearing he will say, “You’re selfish and trouble-mongering, it’s over between us”.7. The relationship continues, however, now I feel guilty about causing a rift between us. I feel selfish and unworthy of a relationship. My heart starts to become more distant as I figure this relationship will come to an end for my selfishness. 8. However, I love him, and don’t want to let him go. I try to make it up to him, and stay quiet about my anxieties in order to keep him. I then go back to step 1. Help me with your advice please! What can I do to bolster confidence in myself and the relationship! I feel like breaking up just to end the cycle and the conviction that I'm not good enough.
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (7 December 2010):
 Allow me to pass along a very simple piece of advice that has helped me in the past: "He's with you because he WANTS to be."
You aren't twisting his arm into being with you. You aren't forcing him to love you. He's with you because he wants to be. The sooner you can accept that and just relax, the easier things will be all around.
I do agree with QuirkLady though. Perhaps seeing a counselor might be wise, just to deal with some self-esteem issues and the guilt you are carrying.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): You need to invest in communication with your man. Holding your anxieties in is only going to make things worse. If you communicate properly with him everything will go fine. He will not think your selfish and leave you if he loves you. If you just start acting distant and weird he is only going to be very confused at what he did wrong. Communiction is key. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (7 December 2010):
 It sounds like you have a very bad problem with insecurity. I suggest that you get some therapy before you ruin not only this relationship, but other relationships and friendships as well.
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