A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI've asked a lot of questions about this problem before and received a lot of kind words and helpful advice so I'm back again. To cut a very long story short, about a year and a half ago my male best friend broke up with his girlfriend, we became even closer than we were and ended up sleeping together a few times. He then got back together with the girlfriend before breaking up with her for good a few months later. Through all this we stayed very close and I knew that I'd developed serious feelings for him. Eventually I told him and he told me that he wasn't really looking for anything. We stayed friends but I had a couple of nights where I freaked out a little bit over the whole situation and things have never been quite the same between us. Fastforward 6 months or so and he now has a new girlfriend who he seems really happy with. I'm pleased for him but even after all this time I can't seem to get over him. He doesn't live in the area anymore so I only see him maybe once a month but that doesn't seem to help. I just cannot get him out of my mind. I was in a relationship in the past for over 5 years and I thought I knew what being in love felt like but this is something else entirely. I've tried not talking to him, th longest I lasted was a month, but if I've not talked to him for a while I miss him like crazy and he seems to be on my mind even more. I've tried kissing other people and going on dates to distract myself but I only end up wishing it was him I was with instead of some guy I couldn't care less about. I've tried just focusing on the friendship and being as normal as possible but that doesn't work either. I've felt like this for so long and so strongly sometimes I think I might actually be going crazy.I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, I guess for advice as to how I stop myself feeling like this any more. My life in general is pretty great but my feelings for this guy mean I feel down so much of the time. I just want him out of my head!Thanks for your time!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dirtball, It helps to know that someone else has been in the same situation. I guess I just thought after so long the feelings would start to fade but they're as strong as ever. I think you're right when you say that only meeting someone else will really make it go away, but that's a scary thought seeing as I've not met any other guy I've wanted to be with since I slept with him. I don't fall for guys easily or often. I guess these things just take time.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Does he ever reach out when you cut contact? If not, then it's clear he is definitely not interested. I know this doesn't change how you feel, but it is something to keep in mind.
Aside from cutting contact, the only other thing I've found that helps in these situations is finding someone else who you connect on the same level with. That can be very difficult, but I'm sure there is another match out there for you, you just need to keep looking.
I went through something similar to you without the sex. Long term unrequited love for a friend. Because we have lots of mutual friends, cutting her out of my life was impossible. Only finding someone else, who I feel even more strongly for has helped me get over her. It's taken a long time though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): That's tough if you have to still see him around. Well, then, I guess fake it 'til you make it... try to act casual around him but don't contact him the rest of the time. Seems you're doing pretty well on that front so far. The most important thing is your own decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, I know that stopping all contact would be the sensible thing to do, but I just feel so bad when I haven't spoken to him for a while I end up cracking and making contact again. It's also difficult because almost all our friends are mutual friends so we end up going out together quite regularly even though he doesn't live here any more, for example my housemate's birthday a couple of weeks ago. That's also the reason I don't want to tell him it's best if I don't speak to him any more as it will make those situations much more awkward. I just don't know what to do for the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): It's hard to stop thinking about him because he's something you're familiar and comfortable with (and I'm sure the sex didn't help). But you have to face the hard fact that he doesn't want you, and put him in the past. You can only get crumbs from him, so to speak, and you're hungry. Make the decision not to contact him anymore--tell him your decision if you think that will help you. As long as you stick to your decision, you are in control.
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