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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: HI again!Thank you for all the good advice you have given me.I cannot find my questions I have previously posted, so here’s a very brief recap:I managed to put an end to a lifelong friendship that had been imposed on me (a daughter of family friends). Suffice to say that she’s a narcissist who compartmentalizes and uses people. When I finally broke off all contact, I realized that I practically did not know any of her “fancy friends” (people she treats well and tries desperately to impress). People I knew around her were like me – we were there to serve her needs. I was not at the very bottom of her ladder. She did not yell at me or insult me to my face, which she does to some of her “close friends”. However, she was constantly lying to me, manipulating, and blackmailing me to get me to do what she wanted. I realized how much she badmouthed me, inventing stuff, lying about me to others. She was doing the same about others as well. She was always the omniscient one trying to help “them” (us) who kept messing things up. I would have never chosen to have someone like that so close, but as I said, she was imposed on me. I realized fairly early who she was, but I wanted to help her and then I realized that she was not really “in a bad place”, she knew exactly what she was doing and wanted to get better at it.The question I have today is, what do I do when some of my friends ask how she’s doing?I never went around talking about how and why I stopped all contact with her. My family knows and one other friend who also knows her and knows who she really is, not because I think I’m in the wrong here. I just don’t go around talking about people. Also, I would have to say that for DECADES I accepted the behavior I found appealing, because at first, I wanted to help and then because I felt uncomfortable to put a stop to it.Today a friend emailed me and among other things asked how this “friend” was doing.I don’t want to lie and say “fine”, pretending that we’re still friends.If I say “I don’t know”, it would sound weird left just like that. Like I was angry or something.If I say “The last thing I heard she was doing fine”, would also sound weird and like I was angry…So do I just say that I think that she’s doing fine and that we haven’t been in contact for over a year?It would be easier to say some things than to write them down…… but this friend who emailed me lives in another time zone and we do not talk often.This friend who asked me is a really good friend and when she asks she really likes to know because she cares. Writing about this still feels weird.Thank you! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2022): Thank you anonymous!I loved how poetic you made it sound :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2022): Thank you Honeypie!
I realized, ove the years, that what I share with her has nothoing to do with basic human values. We have history, like all families do. We like the same movies, music... but values? No. She uses and walks over people. And even if I managed somehow to make her respect my boundaries, I would never be ok with how she behaves. So... yeah.
What you and YCBS have said sumarizes all this pretty well.
Thank you!
(I know that DC has experienced some issues lateley and that all moderators invest a lot of time an energy into this... so thank you for that as well!)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2022): I would say something like... I haven't heard from blank in a while , its sad but true that friendships sometimes just run there course . And begin honest I think it was for the best as our compasses pointed in truly different directions .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 June 2022):
 "So do I just say that I think that she’s doing fine and that we haven’t been in contact for over a year?"
Yes. That is perfectly fine and honest.
If she wants the details, I would just tell her in a brief manner that you have come to realize you shared nothing in common with her (the mutual friend who you don't talk to anymore). Like, YCNBS said, you really don't owe ANYONE an explanation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2022): Thank you so much Youcannotbeserious !
I realized we were not really close and she didn't add any value to my life"
This is how I really feel.
This part with value sounds harsh, but it is oh so true.
This friend of mine knows me so well, and for me to do something like this means that I couldn't take it anymore.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (12 June 2022):
 I think you are overthinking this. What would be so wrong with responding, "I think that she’s doing fine but we haven’t been in contact for over a year"?
Friendships run their course and end for many reasons. If your friend presses for more information (because she cares for you, not because she is being nosey and looking for gossip), I would be inclined to just say something like "I realized we were not really close and she didn't add any value to my life" and leave it at that.
Bottom line is, you don't owe anyone any explanations regarding why you are no longer in touch.
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