A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner Daniel is my world. He is full time dad for our two young boys, drives me to and from work every day then goes to work as the head chef of a busy restaurant at night. I think the pressure of life is getting to him, because he's becoming more and more distant and short tempered. Our sex life has dropped dramatically in the past two months. I just want to know how to help him. He used to be so full of life and affection. I feel like a failure as a wife because nothing i'm doing seems to help. Before he got this job i could spoil him in the bedroom, but now he's just too tired all the time. And how do i tell him that i miss his affections without hurting him? There must be something i can say or do to bring back that sparkle in his eyes.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 March 2011):
Hi there. It sounds like your husband is dead tired.
He minds your children all day, every day. Then he works at the restaurant every night!
Racing around all day after two small boys, and picking up after them, it's a lot, and it's extremely tiring as well.
He's exhausted. He doesn't get a break from it.
When people are really tired all the time, they do become short tempered, and don't have the patience they otherwise would if they were completely rested.
He's going from being a full time babysitter every single day, to working at night as a chef. That's a huge task.
It really sounds like he doesn't have any down time. We all need that. It's absolutely essential for good health and wellbeing.
Is it possible that one of you could cut back your work hours?
Could you work part-time? Then at least, you could take over some of the child minding responsibilities.
It really sounds like your husband is sadly lacking in work/life balance. He's in serious need of balance right now.
If he doesn't start to get some kind of balance on a regular basis soon, he could get sick in the end - from total exhaustion. You can't keep up that level of "busyness" for very long, without something collapsing. If that does happen, it could be a very big wake-up call to both of you.
Once he starts to get some balance back into his life, he will be much more relaxed and at peace with the world. He will also sleep much more peacefully, and wake up not feeling tired.
When that happens, he will quickly regain the energy he used to have, and will resume having a regular sex life with you, once more.
But it won't happen until he gets that much needed balance back into his life.
For instance, does he have any hobbies?
- Does he surf, go fishing, play golf?
- Does he like to read?
- Is he creative - drawing, painting, sculpture etc.
- Is he good with his hands - can he make things?
All things like the above, help put balance back into life again, as they are totally different from work. These are the types of things that make you want to get out of bed in the morning for. They put meaning back into life again, and give it a sense of purpose. Two really important things.
We all need balance, it's crucial for survival.
Most problems in life can easily be resolved, once a sense of balance and purpose is gained.
So the two main things to consider are:-
(1) Shorter working hours for both of you, or at least one of you. This allows you more "quality" time together.
(2) Gaining balance back into both of your lives - hobbies, interests, creative pursuits etc.
Something else I just thought of. Is paying to get your 2 boys minded an option for you? If you can afford to, perhaps just 2 days a week, so your husband has a break and can help him gain some balance, because he can do something else for a change - sleep, start a hobby.
If you are paying off a mortgage, this could be out of range financially, as it often doesn't come cheap. But it's worth a thought, just the same. If not a child minding centre, how about asking one of your parents to mind the boys for a day. Your parents one day, his parents the other day.
What I'm doing here is trying to find ways for you and him to spend more time together and him to not be so tired all the time.
So there's -
(1) Less working hours.
(2) Child minding for 2 days a week - a rest for him, so he can catch up on sleep.
(3) Starting hobbies in that free time he has.
Good luck and best wishes.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 First of dont blame yourself for this it is not your fault and it does not mean that you have failed him as a wife. Its just the stresses of life that is getting to him at the moment, a head chef is a stressful job and am guessing that is why he is being left tired and not in the mood to be passionate. Does he get any nights of? If he does then why not arrange for your children to be looked after by a babysitter. Even if it is only once a fortnight and both of you spend quality time together. Maybe light some candles cook a romantic meal and enjoy the time you both have on your own. It wont be long before the passion will start to arise again especially if the children arent in the house. Goodluck.
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