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How do I move away from this friendship when we also work together?

Tagged as: Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2014) 4 Answers - (Newest, 31 December 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *atnip writes:

I have been friends with this person for over 5 years now , we both work together. I used to trust this person and she and i have both been there for each other. I have doing alot of self growth over the last year or so as i have been in a bad place due to alot of things. This is a really painful process for me but i am determined to keep moving forward. Now my relationship with this friend seems to have changed , i feel alot of anomosity from her. Lots of things are happening which i can't go into detail about but i definately feel something is changing. She has another group of friends , one of which she is particulary close to, i am totally ok with her having other friends as i believe this is healthy but i feel when i try and make other friends she doesn't like it. She definatley does not like me being around these other friends of hers , if i walk into their group and chat to them i can see the look on her face so i now try and keep away. She is forever saying how much she loves this other friend and can't wait to spend time with her when she comes into work which can sometimes hurt my feelings but i try and not let it get to me. I am trying to take a step back from her and this other lady as they are also quite negative and i want to move away from this. I am trying to create friends outside of work as i think having close friendships in work is not good for me. I tried to talk to her once about the her being so snappy and aggesive towards me but she just got more angry at me. I feel that maybe she is not as into our friendship as she once was which is ok as this happens. I feel maybe we are growing in different directions. I think i need to move away from this friendship but as we work in the same place it is not easy and she is quite a difficult person. I am a peaceful person and love joking and making people laugh , if we are in a group and i do this she has such an angry look on her face and looks like she hates me. She also makes snidy little comments at me. I don''t know the best way to move away from this in a healthy way. I feel sad that this is happeneing but feel we are different energies.

I have been trying so hard to be as nice to her, be there and support her and encourage but it doens't seem to make a difference

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 December 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with WiseOwlE.

Just be professional, don't hang out with her at work or outside of work. When you GO to WORK, then WORK, be courteous, polite to her, but don't offer the "extras" we normally do, to people we consider FRIENDS.

MAKE your own friends that has NOTHING to do with your job/work place, and people that has NOTHING to do with her.

Doesn't mean you can chat with other co-workers as you see fit (just remember to NOT talk SMACK about anyone at work as it WILL come back and bite you in the rear) SHE doesn't have MONOPOLY of the coworkers, and she is NOT the queen bee and you all her drones. So TALK to whomever you like and let her sulk, let he do her snide remarks, petty school yard behavior, just "KILL" her with a kind smile or two. Guess what OTHERS will notice that she acts like a controlling chick and she won't "score" any points on YOUR account.

And WHO cares if she doesn't like that you make other friends? She doesn't OWN you, and you don't OWE her squat.

PS. Pack away any bitterness towards her. She isn't WORTH carrying around negative emotions. Like is TOO darn short for that kind of drama.

( I also agree that I'm CURIOUS as to what kind of job you have where you socialize this much....)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

There's a saying, there's friends for a season, friends for a reason and friends forever. Your work colleague definitely wasn't the last one, it sounds like you were friends for a season and now that season has ended. Keep your relationship friendly and professionally inside work, but limit your non work social engagements outside. Engage in the other outside work activities that you now find stimulating, there you'll make new friends.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

There have been volumes written about the hazards of dating a coworker. I can sum it up in three words.

Don't.

Do.

It.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 December 2014):

I run an office of professionals. We all extend professional courtesy to one another; regardless of spats or non-work-related disagreements. We're human, we can't always agree or get along. That's why we have policies and rules.

Sometimes you just don't mix with certain personalities. So you fake a smile, bite your tongue, and behave like adults. Either you get along, or see your way out to the street. I'd have security escort anyone out; who can't get along with others, and follow company guidelines regarding employee conduct.

Exactly how much time do you both spend actually working? You both seem to have a lot of idle-time to have personal-disagreements.

When you're at work, you're not on your own time. You're on paid-time. This means, you follow the the code of conduct according to company policy. If issues get out of hand, then you take it to your immediate-supervisor; or file a complaint with human resources. That is, if it directly effects the performance of your job!

Honestly; your particular situation doesn't warrant anything, but for you to ignore the woman and her evil-twin. I wouldn't give her anything but a Cheshire Cat smile when she says stupid things.

You said you're self-improving and moving forward. See her only as a co-worker, and treat her the same as you would all the others. Respectfully, cordially, and with the appropriate amount of professional-detachment.

You don't mention the type of work you do; so if it isn't an office environment, it may be a lot less formal. Therefore, you simply ignore her unless it involves work. You're an adult. Wish her a good day, and walkaway.

You don't have to behave like a couple of high school girls quibbling over friends, taking sides, and pouting.

It is unprofessional no matter what kind of work you do; and any supervisor who doesn't take notice of the friction between you two, isn't worth their title and paycheck.

Keep your distance. You can't hear her if you're not within earshot.

Take the high road. Leave her and her little school-yard chum to themselves, and "pretend" you can't be bothered.

Practice as much self-discipline and self-control as it requires to get through your work-day, and go home. The last thing you want is for your boss to decide how to resolve your issues. Remember, you have to pay the bills!

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