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age
30-35,
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writes: I need to stop obsessing over girls. I'm still a virgin, even though I've been in a relationship and dated a handful of girls. Despite having a lot going on in my life and confidence in many things I do, I dont seem to have it with girls. I have looked inward to see why I don't have confidence and it has to do with getting ridiculed by girls in high school when I was very socially awkward/heavier. Now I dress better, am fit, and can hold a conversation decently. I know I have to stop caring about girls to get rid of desperation, but after seeing how the dating lives of my friends/family go and how often they have sex/date, I feel like I have a serious problem. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cerberus for the response, I have been trying to drill into my head that I am a different person now than I was in high school and its giving me limited results. I understand that my priorities have been skewed. In high school, I was naive to think that those qualities(loyalty, respect, chivalry, humor, protectiveness) would be sought after by girls at that age. They do help me somewhat (Some girls have admitted they did like me at one point, but that they moved on later) but ultimately without any reward. It's a misplaced thought that sexual validation would make me feel good, but I don't get the same satisfaction from compliments/appreciation from my family/friends, even the females. Would it be damaging to belittle the importance of women in my head to improve my own view of self-importance though? I know some people go from nice to women and then to jerks, but I don't know if I have what it takes to do that. Thank you WiseOwlE for your response, I'm slowly getting rid of the girls I knew in high school on social media, so I can erase memories of them. You are spot on with the fear of sex. I think about having sex quite often naturally, but obsess over whether I would be able to be "enough" for the girl. As for approaching women, I've taken very small steps during college to overcome that fear. I, with great difficulty, asked a girl out to lunch last year, and we didn't click well. I also asked out a longtime friend of mine to a date and we kissed(second girl I ever kissed), but then I didn't know where to take it from there. This was recently, and I am giving up on her once I realized how attractive she is, and the sheer number of guys(who have more experience than I do) also ask her out on dates/try to court her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): You simply have a case of arrested development when it comes to interacting with females. You idolize them like they're goddesses, and yet you're terrified of them. You haven't outgrown your high school self, and you may need to get some counseling to get past being a "victim;" and being held hostage to that time when you were heavier and took some teasing. There is some buried anger. You "obsess" over girls, but deep inside you hate them for how you were treated.
You have to quit walking around and offering your "profile" and self-summary like a resume to all women. You have impressive credentials, but you're not submitting a job application.
Be a mystery and allow them to discover over-time who you are, and discover who they are. Give yourself enough time to see what chemistry comes from that. If anything, you need to shed your boyish/childish way of thinking.
You want a predictable arrangement where you know how you'll be treated and whats going to happen. It's pretty much learn as you go. Risk. You dive in with both feet and you tread water. Fear and anger are the two emotions you haven't gotten a handle on when it comes to females.
You're still an adolescent in your mindset.
You're scared of sex; because you've never had it before, and you're afraid of not being adept. Not knowing what you're supposed to do, makes you feel afraid that your vulnerability will give them yet another reason to make you feel bad about yourself.
Women are human beings, and are not just waiting to come up with something to say to rip your heart out. They are sensitive, comforting, gentle, and kind. They can be really bitchy too. You just have to find the one most compatible with your own personality and spirit. Every-time you approach a woman, you can't let your thoughts overwhelm you with too much apprehension about how she'll treat you.
The boyish side of you is far too sensitive. Time to let the man take the wheel, and allow yourself to hit a few speed-bumps and potholes. You'll recover. You'll toughen-up with experience, maturity, and a just a little counseling on the side to deal with your residual post traumatic stress from the bullying and teasing. It really wasn't that long ago; but you'll outgrow the trauma over-time. Counseling or therapy will accelerate that process.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): If it's a serious problem then maybe you need serious help. I mean you talk about it being due to your past, which means you may well need help to move beyond that past.
OP I find in guys like you that conceptually you just have women all wrong.
I mean have you no women in your life? No mother, no sisters or aunts? Because they're women, OP, they're sexual beings too and if you can talk to them easily then talking to women is not your problem. Your problem is the concept of the women you want to date being different, sexual attraction makes you nervous because to you it's alien, the fact you see it as some kind of separate thing when it's just a form of normal social interaction is not the reality. There's nothing special or amazing about women, they're just people like the other women we know.
Being attractive doesn't mean a woman has to be worth more to you emotionally before you've even spoken to her.
I also find another common theme in the guys that post with this problem you think these things matter "Now I dress better, am fit, and can hold a conversation decently."
They don't, they're just natural progression in life everyone gets with age. I mean if that's how you sell yourself then you have your priorities wrong.
I lost my best friend recently and as part of the process of consoling me my wife reminded me why being married to me was so great. Do you think how I dress or how fit I am was a part of that conversation? Not at all, because it's irrelevant. Loyalty, respect, kindness, passionate about the things and people I love, fiercely protective of those people and things, fun, funny (we share a viciously sarcastic sense of humour), intelligent and strong but not afraid to be vulnerable.
I'm not all those things to all people and certainly not to any of my exs, a lot of people really dislike me but to her I am and there's the key.
Those are traits you cannot apply to any person without taking the time to get to know them. So where's the logic in applying a tag of special to a woman when you don't know if she really is special or not?
My point is, OP you're seeing this all wrong and the things you deem important are really the ones that aren't.
It's time to decide whether sex and aesthetics are what you really want to judge or be judged by, because I think if you look at the people you love and think about all the things they love about you, you'll see you have no issues when it comes to being appealing to a woman who is serious about getting to know you and you connect with.
The next step then is to find out whether the pretty girl you like is truly appealing to you or whether she's just pretty.
Dating is like enquiring about a product in a store or on a menu, you want to know if it's something you want to buy. It's nothing more profound than that emotionally until it gets beyond the dating stage. Sometimes you meet a similar sales person and the conversation flows easily and you even share a few jokes, sometimes you meet a complete opposite type of person and it's a bit more subdued and awkward, or you catch someone on a bad day and they're noticeably terse. If you can do that stuff, then you can date. You just have to give it as little importance as you would buying something in a store.
Who a person is makes them special, not the clothes they wear nor how good looking they are, so stop giving women that much importance. People have to earn that from us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the Response, YouWish. I definitely am projecting my high school self even though I'm already done with college and in grad school now.
Hobbies I have are very Sports oriented(European ones like Tennis, Soccer) and basketball with classmates in school. I also enjoy dancing. I want to learn how to cook as well, but don't know where to start. I read often books on topics that interest me. I also love to learn new languages. I've learned Spanish and now I am working on French/Italian.
With grad school, I mostly focus my day on studying and going to the gym to keep me sane.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (19 September 2014):
 First of all, congratulations on becoming fit and improving yourself! That's actually one way to connect if you like it...many people have met at various fitness or sports activities because staying fit is a common and celebrated goal.
Second of all, did you ever watch the 1999 movie The Matrix? There's a scene in it when Neo is freed from the Matrix and into the real world, yet when he's sent back into the Matrix, he still appeared to himself as he did before he was freed instead of who he really is. It was called "residual self-image".
You have changed since high school, but your residual self-image is still of that awkward shy guy. You don't have to stop caring about girls. You just need to keep improving yourself. You aren't that high school kid. You killed everything he stood for when you decided to improve yourself. Only you are bringing him back in your mind. Put him to rest once and for all and keep doing it every single day.
Also, stop thinking about your virginity. You're young, and you have had relationships before, and you'll have them again. I married a virgin, and I have ZERO complaints! You have the advantage of being a sexual open book, ready for anything and free of misconceptions. Don't look at porn as an educational tool and don't get intimidated by it. It is simulated and not to be imitated.
Besides fitness, do you have hobbies? Confidence is what you want, and to do that, you need to build on your strengths instead of obsessing over your deficiencies. If you're musical, funny, etc, you'll be naturally attractive on a magnetic level.
You're not in high school anymore. Keep saying that to yourself. You're not in high school anymore.
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