A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I have a question about a man who recently came back into my life, I first met him 4 years ago on a course for work and felt attracted to him then, but tried my best to hide it as he is older and was the course leader. But he moved up to work at my branch a few months ago and I kept telling myself I wouldn't develop feelings for him this time but he is so charming, friendly and honestly just makes my knees go week, I know cheesy, but I have had a relationship since my frist time meeting him which means I have a kid now but left her father after he hit me, so I have trust issues down to that and can't help putting my guard up with men.This man always comes and chats to me, complimentments me, rubs my arm, pats my back etc and I can't help wonder does he like me back? And if so why hasn't he asked me out? I think I am come across to him distant because of my issues mention before, but clearly he still remembers the girl I was before I met my daughters father, so I don't know help me unravell all this someone! Does he like me? How do I get over my issues and let my defences down! And make sense of all this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 I disagree with the other poster, you are not a, “battered women" or acting like the victim. One you take care of your daughter yourself that takes strength! 2nd you held down your job through all the rubbish! I assume this man is a manager to you weither he likes you romantically or not he values you clearly as if nothing else he seems to have a friendship with you! Yes you did go through some tough stuff but you held yourself together clearly! Also why would u need this man to carry u as wise one said? Your clearly and independent women taking care of your daughter, your own home, your carer, so I get the impression your stronger than you think, it is prob admiration or respect this man has for you, ask him for a coffee outside work and see what he says. Your on the up girl! Don't allow people to keep you pigeon holed as the victim! Because clearly you are not! X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): Wiseone - Thank you for your answer, I do not I have unresolved issues with my child's father I loved and trusted him enought to build a life with him and have his kid, off course when he hit me and I seen his other side it did shake me up, I would say I'm not as raw as I was and I am healing as time goes on, but I do have a wall around me for example if a man is straight then I instant put a wall between me and him, but I have loads of Gay male friends and 2 of them have been my rock, because to me they are safe they have no other motive other than to be my friend, and I think your right I need to contd being a mum, working on myself and just hanging out with friends untill I have dealt with my baggage. I just wish I had made a move with the guy I spoke about 4 years ago and who knows none of this would have happend. But I have my daughter and she is something to be thank full for. Thank you for taking the time to answer my question
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): Only he can tell you if he likes you. It's up to him to make that apparent to you. We aren't there to witness your interaction with this guy. The things you describe are too ambiguous to say they mean anything more than he is being polite to you. You're very vulnerable right now.
You should go online and find a women's support group, or counseling hotline for battered women. They will give you referrals for services that will lead to counseling and help with the post traumatic stress of your abusive relationship.
Until you address that issue, even if the guy likes you; he'll have to deal with your unresolved mental issues from your past. That's not fair to him. He doesn't have to spend his time trying to like a woman overcome with personal problems that she hasn't sought help for.
I often give this advice to women in your situation. You do not seek solace in the arms of men, when you have trust issues and insecurities. They can't fix you.
Liking him and dragging your baggage into his life is selfish. You want to extinguish your loneliness and sadness; then it will be his job to constantly console you. That will be a lop-sided relationship. You're too weak and insecure right now. Much too vulnerable to be emotionally involved with any man. You have a child who depends on you, and you need to get your emotional issues treated through professional counseling. To bring yourself back to who you really are. Dating would only be fine, if you don't try to settle into a relationship. It's too soon. You're looking for someone to cling to. You'll attach yourself to the first man who shows you kindness.
He'll be burdened with propping you up. While you're some emotional mess. Once he realizes how fragile you are, he'll be uncomfortable about doing you further damage.
If he's a nice guy, he deserves someone whole; with her act together. If you can't hold up your end, you're not ready for any man. You'll just find yourself struggling and always trying to make him understand why you can't meet his needs. You're searching for a relationship to lean on. No way!!! Not yet! That's a disaster in the making.
It has to be give and take. Not his just giving to you.
If you can't let down your guard, it's because you haven't healed. You need time. You haven't recovered from your past relationship and you don't have it in you to do it all by yourself. Help is needed. The sooner you seek that help, the sooner you will be ready to let your guard down, and you'll be strong enough to handle whatever comes your way.
Good luck!
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