A
male
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*nt666
writes:How do I get the spontaneity back in our sex life. Since our second child or sex life has slowed down to maybe 3-5 times a month if that's a good month. It's always planned.She suffers depression.theres times I feel although she's having sex out of obligation which I don't want. I'd rather nothing than that in all honesty.I'm 30 and she is 28Any further information needed I'll add if askedThanks in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2017): It seems your communication has gone haywire and confusion abounds.You think she's gone off you and she thinks you've gone off her.It can be difficult for the mum to fulfil all the demands of family life with a new born and still be the sexual diva she once was.There are normally issues connected to this apart from changes in body shape! there is often an immense sense of tiredness!When the little one falls asleep the whole house can fall asleep and that includes mum too.Meanwhile your sex life goes out of the window.The answer to this is to establish a firm bedtime routine aiming to get both of your youngsters asleep by 7pm.For a while you will find yourselves nodding off by the tv but eventually the balance will be restored and your evenings will be your own again.Bedtime routines make it much easier to get a babysitter too so this really is an area to work on.It wont give you multiple orgasms right away but once you get the "in bed at 7:30 and lights out and sleep by 8pm" established then you will have quite a few years of adult evenings.If you cant bear to be rigid about bedtimes then you will just have to accept that you have restricted your adult time.Also when the youngsters go to school this routine is quite acceptable then and just as useful plus it increases the child's ability to function well in the daytime.Plus they are not too tired to eat breakfast before school and don't go hungry all morning with bleary eyes.The other problem is contraception!The thought of another little one so soon after the last one can really put a damper on the idea of sex so contraception is a must.Finally some couples enjoy the weekend afternoons with each other while the kids take a daytime nap.The secret is to exhaust them in the park from early morning.Then a good meal makes them relaxed so that they watch movies or snooze.If they get to the park and run around enough then you are guaranteed a quiet evening to yourselves.Also wife needs to do non child related stuff. For example a trip to the spar for a bit of pampering can lift her spirits and increase her libido!Or shopping for new clothes!Or the gift of a beautiful perfume!You can encourage your wife to feel sexy and attractive in more subtle ways than by tapping your watch and saying "Come on we've got a free hour..how about a quick session!"You need to romanticise your life and woo her a bit more with treats, delights and walking the children till they are ready to fall asleep on their feet!Can you afford a jaccuzzi?Most women would find that irresistable! But if you cant then you'll just have to join the established bedtime routine ruse!Which gives you 5nights a week to be sexually active and weekends to arrange a babysitter so you get nights out together!I would suggest you build up slowly to swinging on the chandeliers together.If you are too poor for the above exercises you will have to substitute in a way that only poor people can but dont turn to porn as this will drive you apart!It will be a case of "goodbye jacuzzi" unless you are a fixer upper but you can always take the little ones to the swimming pool but you must both get in the water with the kids or their will be no adult bonding then or later that evening.Instead one of you will feel they do all the work and that the other is joyriding through parenthood!Good luck! And enjoy those weekend days with the kids.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 Depression and child birth can do this. Is she getting professional help for her depression? Start by getting a babysitter at the weekend or leaving the children with parents if that is an option and treat her to a date night. Get dressed up go for dinner a few drinks try and get that spark back. Help her during the week with the children and show her how much you love her. I understand how difficult this is for you both.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 May 2017):
 Yes, then I think the only way out of this rut is for her to seek help for her depression.
You need to encourage her to open, tell her you want to understand her view on things you're not trying to nag or cause conflict, you simply want things running smoothly again and back to normal so you want her side of things so that you can make better sense of what is happening and help her out.
Let her know you're willing to stick by her side through all of this (If you are, it's perfectly reasonable to walk away from something that you don't think will improve, so don't feel like you HAVE to stay if you don't want to.) Try to do things to make her feel special and loved, back to the kind of things you were doing when you first won her over, take her out on dates, buy her gifts just because, make her feel valued.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 May 2017):
 Is she getting help with the depression? With the kids?
Do you two spend time together JUST the two of you?
Have you TALKED to her about how you feel and asked how SHE feels about sex and the relationship in general?
I agree with N91, people think that they can FIX issues like this without ever having to bring them up and TALK about them. You rarely can.
If she isn't getting help with the depression, HELP her get help. And support her in getting/seeking help.
If she NEEDS some help with the kiddos - ASK family and friends to pitch in and of course pitch in yourself.
If she is at home with 2 kids and a messy house AND depression I can see how things like sex can become JUST another chore.
So sit down, have a talk - MAKE a plan together on what can be done. HAVE patience. Until she starts feeling better mentally and about herself (her body have gone through TWO pregnancies and giving birth - it FEELS different and it LOOKS different - she might have some issues adapting to that- she MIGHT have hormonal issues that she is unaware of which CAN be the reason for the depression.)
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A
male
reader, ant666 +, writes (22 May 2017):
ant666 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I have talked about it and it she either says things will improve just give her time. Or she blows up and get super defensive about it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 May 2017):
Have you actually talked to her about it? A lot of people come onto this website asking questions and they haven't even spoken to their partner about the issue at hand.
If you haven't, that's where to start.
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