A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I have been married for 8 years and after a long and happy marriage, my husband and I are separating. Even though the marriage was happy, towards the end we had started fighting way too much and too often. and even though we still love each other so much, we've agreed that it's the best thing to separate. Well, actually I'm the one who suggested it and he said ok, but I don't think he wants to and I feel guilty for being the one to suggest it. My husband is a great guy, but for a while now he's been demeaning and belittling me without even realizing it. When I tried to tell him to stop it, we ended up arguing and it just worse and worse each time we tried to sort things out. In the end, I suggested marriage counseling but he doesn't want to do that either. He says he still doesn't know how things became so bad and why we are separating and I have tried to explain things from my point of view but it's just not working out. He says I've changed and that I don't know who I am or my identity. I feel guilty for doing this but the thought of us getting back together again is like a nightmare. While he does love me so much, my feelings have changed after the endless arguments and I feel like I'm in a prison. I will always love him but I don't want to be his wife anymore and I feel so sad about it. I'm afraid that I'll ruin his life, since he's not the type of guy who easily gets into relationships... how can I get over these horrible feelings and the guilt? It's really bringing me down... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2022): Typo corrections:
"It seems, like all of a sudden; one becomes mean, selfish, [obstinate], or disagreeable."
"They are comfortable knowing they can [bully] their way around, and have their cake and eat it too."
"He has already constructed the relationship [the] way he likes it; and he wants you to fallback into your submissive role."
"No matter what your future intentions are; you better be consulting with a lawyer; and making sure you're not left homeless and penniless."
P.S.
If he loves you as much as he claims; he will go to marriage counseling with you. If he won't, don't waste any more time hoping he will miraculously change. He won't. The separation is proof you're at a stalemate; and the only one feeling guilty is YOU! Try again to get him into marriage counseling. If he concedes, then there is hope. The marriage wasn't as happy as you perceived; because happy marriages endure. That's because people who love each-other will do whatever it takes to fix what is broken in order to stay married. It doesn't matter who decided they wanted to separate; there are some serious problems that lead you to where you are. He will gaslight you, show you his pitifulness, and send you on a guilt-trip; but you can't tolerate the behavior that drove you away from him. Unless the problems are fixed, the marriage will not work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2022): You have nothing to feel guilty about. When we love people, sometimes we find ourselves allowing them too much leeway or latitude. Meaning, we submit to their control, abuse, or we become passive to their more overbearing personality-traits. Speaking from personal-experience here.
In a relationship, one of the couple has a more dominating personality; while the other may be more subdued, laidback, or flexible. A man has his role, and a woman has hers, within a relationship. Gender doesn't necessarily determine who has the more dominant role in a relationship. The person who tends to be more headstrong or inflexible usually gets their way.
Some will rule the relationship through obstinance and intimidation; and some do it through emotional manipulation. Sometimes it's a constant battle of wills; when both people fight for dominance. Instead of learning to compromise, or work in-sync; each opponent struggles for leadership, or their chance to call the shots. Cultural-traditions says women are supposed to be passive and submissive; and men are supposed to be strong and protective. In the natural order of things, a couple acts in partnership. In a good-relationship; we yield to each-other's strengths which are beneficial and conducive to maintaining peace, harmony, and contentment. We combine forces when a situation requires us to act as a team; and we learn to lean on each-other when one of the couple is not functioning at full-strength, or in mourning.
Then there's this issue that arises that some people never learn to overcome. How to settle disagreements, and listen to what your partner has to say regarding their needs; or nobody knows how to discuss problems within the relationship like two adults. Anything negative is taken as criticism, or an insult; or one of the couple just doesn't care as much as they should. Because everything was fine, so why are you complaining??? No, it wasn't fine. Somebody was given too much latitude, they became selfish, and spoiled!!! Happiness was having it all their way! It was only given to keep the peace; or they were so much of a bully you always gave-in. People get too used to this! It becomes what they think the relationship is supposed to be like.
One decides they're tired of working to make things work "together;" they just want things "their" way. For whatever reasons; be those reasons known, or unknown. Be it due to growing older, the pressures of life, money struggles, dealing with a chronic-illness, alcoholism, drugs, or frustrations due to disappointment in life.
It seems, like all of a sudden; one becomes mean, selfish, abstinent, or disagreeable. No matter how you try to work around it; they won't budge. They'll refuse to meet you halfway, they'll ignore any complaints about their bad-behavior; and become seemingly deliberate in being disagreeable, or respond with anger and abuse to any pushback. Now we've got a dilemma.
What are we to do? They're acting out of character; and they seem like a totally different person from the one we thought we knew.
For unmarried-people, the remedy is simple. The relationship has run its course; and it's time to go your separate ways. For married-people, it is far from simple. Your finances are intertwined, you may have kids, you jointly own property, and a divorce is expensive. For some, one partner is financially dependent on the other; or they can only survive on their combined resources. They don't stay together because of love; it becomes bearable due to interdependence. One partner may fear being alone, or may have no other means of income; and one only wants to cling to the relationship, because they know nobody else is likely to put-up with them. They are comfortable knowing they can bullying their way around, and have their cake and eat it too.
Separation may be a means of temporary relief; but it is also failure to deal with the problems at-hand. If you have a partner refusing to agree to all the necessary efforts of healing and repairing a failing marriage; they are actually wanting a divorce, but they stall for financial reasons; or are having an affair on the side, and have become too accustomed to having a domesticated-partner to tend to the homestead. While also having someone on the side, who attends to their sexual or passionate needs. They'll show one love and attention; and treat the other like crap. They are in the middle, and feel secure; because they think they've got the benefit of two worlds. There is nothing worse than a person who has been spoiled with having their way too long; and living virtually unopposed no matter how bad they get. They will only get worse. That's the negative side of human nature.
You must decide whether this separation is just the prelude to an inevitable divorce; or you're just sitting on the pot constipated. You need to gain courage, and do what you know will be best for your health, sanity, and wellbeing.
Love is debatable when your partner isn't going to do everything they can to save the marriage. Refusing to meet the challenge; and completely resistant to seeking professional counseling. He doesn't want to be placed in the position of giving-up control. Allowing you the opportunity to speak your mind without his gaslighting or shutting you down; because a counselor will mediate, and will not allow this. He doesn't want his abusive behavior exposed; and he's counting on you loving him too much to give-up easily. You'll give-in, and try to carry all the weight. He's banking on your weakness; and he has no intention of changing whatsoever. He has already constructed the relationship they way he likes it; and he wants you to fallback into your submissive role. Jump when he snaps his fingers, grovel for his approval and affection; and rollover and play dead.
You have no reason to feel guilty. He should. He's the one who flat-out refused to go to counseling; and I think you know all his reasons why. You can't fix it alone. He's too aggressive to talk things out. It takes a concerted effort. He should be willing to do whatever it takes.
No matter what your future intentions are; you better be consulting with a lawyer. and making sure you're not left homeless and penniless. He isn't showing much concern about working on the marriage; so you better lookout for yourself. Loving each-other is fine; but sometimes people only say that to manipulate your feelings to their own advantage. He's plotting his exit strategy; while you're wallowing in self-pity and emotion.
If you want out, get-out!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 June 2022):
 You have brought up suggestions and he shots them down, which means he isn't looking to try and fix anything.
No, he hasn't changed. He just wants YOU to suck it up and get on with it.
DO the trial separation. While you are separated focus on becoming totally independent, no dating others, no taking with him either. You two need a period of no contact. This is ALSO the time you consult a few lawyers. Doesn't mean you START the divorce but you learn your rights.
What does guilt do?
It makes you suck up "bad behavior".
It sounds like he is trying to make YOU feel bad because he has lost control over you. You are no longer just sucking it all up, you are not just sweeping it under the rug. You want out.
"He says I've changed and that I don't know who I am or my identity."
So maybe YOU need to take some time alone to figure that out. Right?
You can't fix this alone, he doesn't want to make the effort or do the work WITH you to figure out what went wrong and how to get back on track. So you can stay and be miserable OR you can try the separation and see where that takes you.
He doesn't want to take responsibility for HIS actions.
" I'm afraid that I'll ruin his life,"
No, you won't. But you WILL ruin YOURS if you stay.
There might be a reason he hasn't been in a lot of relationships. None of that has anything to do with you.
You got to put yourself first. For once.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2022): You are LETTING HIM GUILT TRIP YOU.
In certain ways you are more capable than him (starting and maintaining relationships) because YOU MAKE AN EFFORT. He doesn't. It is as simple as that.
Some people get too comfortable once they feel that they got their partner hooked for whatever reason. For some it's when they get married, or have a baby or buy a property together. Sometimes it's all of the above. They feel that after that they can relax, which means they can simply do what they like, talk how they like, stop making an effort, because their partners are here to stay - that's taking someone for granted.
When I was very young (started in highschool) I was in a relationship with a guy who was very difficult, negative, always trying to control me... but he wasn't like that at the begining. He got comfortable after about a year and a half. You see, I was, from his perspective, rather plain: no make up, no high heels, no short skirts... and I have never flirted with other boys/men just for fun. He really believed that I had nowhere to go. On the other hand, he had a horrible family life. His parents abused him verbally and I was feeling bad for him. He kept saying I was the only one in his corner... you see what I mean?
It took me FOUR YEARS to leave him! I was miserable with him. When he saw I was getting serious, he proposed - I was 21. Thank god I didn't let him into guilt tripping me into marrying him!
However, I did marry a guy, who turned out to have serious issues which he had hidden pretty well while we were dating and living together (for about 4 years!). As soon as we got married, he started showing another face. He "became" someone who's taking his stress out on me, in short. I was shocked. Really. I thought he was having a hard time because "...". Now you can fill in the blanks, because over the years he kept finding 1000 excuses for his behavior. And I bought it, for a while. I was smart enough NOT to have kids with him, but I was stupid enough to stay married, buy property... it took me a long long time to figure things out.
Had there been some red flags? I think not, but maybe I hadn't seen them. The problem was, once I did see them, I didn't recognize them for what they were - A CORE PROBLEM and not a fleeting issue.
Since you have already decided, leave! You do deserve someone who will treat you the way you treat them!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (28 June 2022):
 Guilt is a pointless and useless emotion. I appreciate it isn't easy but you need to stop feeling guilty. You have tried to explain to your husband why you need out. You have tried to save your marriage by suggesting going to marriage guidance. You have done your best. You can do no more.
If your husband really didn't want his marriage to end, he would try everything in his power to save it. Marriage guidance isn't exactly extreme. How much effort would it take for him to at least give it a try? He wants everything on HIS terms and that does not bode well for the long term future of a relationship.
You should never sacrifice your happiness and peace so that someone else (in this case, your husband) is happy. You only have one life to live and you must live it as you see fit, being as happy as you can be.
We can love someone without them being good for us. I suspect you actually love the person your husband used to be, before he started demeaning and belittling you, rather than the person he has become. It sounds like HE is the one who has changed, not you.
If you are unhappy, you HAVE to walk away and find your happiness elsewhere. We are all responsible for our own happiness. Your husband's happiness is not YOUR responsibility. Brutal but true.
I wish you much happiness - wherever you may find it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2022): Are you sure he didn't realise he was belittling you and demeaning you? It's quite difficult to do that and not know. Also, when you tried to tell him to stop, in your words 'we ended up arguing'.
Do you not think that if he was unaware he was belittling and demeaning you, and then found out that he was, that he would be horrified to find he was doing such a thing? Instead, how did he react? Why did you end up arguing?
He doesn't recognise any of your feelings and blames you for everything, now you are doing the same thing. You have become used to blaming yourself for everything, because this is how he has behaved towards you. He tells you you've changed? And that you don't know who you are?
Would you agree to that? Or is he just blaming everything on you again?
I say this because I was with an abusive man who was horrible and when I tried to work things out (before I realised he was abusive), he would say the exact same things. That he didn't know what the problem was, that I didn't know what I wanted. Everything was always my fault.
When we parted we both said we still loved each other and it was hard to leave, but I also knew that there was no way I could endure any more of it.
Read some books about abuse. See if your husband's behaviour is within their pages. I would venture to suggest that they are.
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