A
female
age
41-50,
*ngelEyes420
writes:How do I get over my jealousy? My ex of over 7 yrs. cheated on me. I can't get over him and I think part of it is because since he's with someone else and Im not, It makes me obsess about it more. As if he's Mr perfect now because he's with someone else, and she's better for him, and they're in their honeymoon phase. Ive been gone for 3 months and don't feel any better off, is it time for therapy? Professional or otherwise? Can someone please give me some advice how to get over the stupid jealousy?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 February 2007):
 The other aunts have given very good advice.
However I don't completely agree with Eve. Personally my experience has been that love and jealousy can be very intertwined. Jealousy can happen when someone we love is being taken away from us: when our love is threatened. Without love, you wouldn't get jealousy (in that situation). Your jealousy here is likely strongly linked to the fact that in many ways you still love your ex: this is natural and to be expected since you were together so long. But you can also expect that as time passes your feelings of love and attachment towards him will fade, and along with that so will the jealousy.
Having said that, jealousy can be a horrible and painful thing to endure. I have been there myself, and went to therapy for it. If it really is causing you pain then I do recommend therapy. It helped me a lot to come to terms with the causes of my emotions, plus helped me cope with the jealousy when it got a hold over me. There are techniques for dealing with jealousy that you can learn that really can help.
In fact, what helped me the most was to realize that it was a combination of jealousy and obsessive behaviour that caused the problem. Jealousy by itself can be ok because it passes quickly when the trigger goes away, but if you obsess over the causes of the jealousy then it keeps the jealousy coming back over and over. The more you obsess the more jealous you become, and the more jealous you become the more you obsess. You end up in a vicious circle, pulling yourself lower and lower. You trigger your jealousy yourself without external triggers. You can't escape it.
If you think this is what is happening then do try therapy. Jealousy itself fades, but obsession is much harder to beat by yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): 3 months apart after a 7 year relationship is not really a long time, you can't expect to feel over this already. It is perfectly normal that you are still feeling these unwanted feelings.
I know it hurts to know your partner is already in another relationship but you need to adjust the perspective you are seeing all this. This guy cheated on you and has walked over your feelings, do you think he has singled you out to do this? Of course not. It is his nature, and his true colours will come through with this women, then the next, and the next. You must distinguish between the pain you feel and the pain that he makes people feel. It is probably why he is in a relationship already whereas you are not. He is not working through his emotions, he is putting them aside and pretending there is nothing he needs to sort out in his head.
If you really wanted to be in a relationship already, you would be. But you're not because you are acknowledging your feelings and are aware that you are not ready for a relationship. It is you, I think, who will be better off because you will deal with this relationship, put it in the past and then, once you are ready for a new relationship, you will find one.
I think you must come to terms with accepting that this guy hurt you, but that it wasn't your fault. The sooner you acknowledge this difference the quicker you'll suddenly come to thinking that you are fed up with allowing such a man to make you feel jealous and upset. You will feel empowered and you won't let him continue to hurt you any more. You will begin to feel this way and as soon as you do, you'll know you are getting over him. All the best.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (9 February 2007):
 You really need to move on and find other interests, things that will keep you busy and take your mind off him. You have too much free time on your hands just now and that's why you're thinking about him so much. Being jealous is not getting you anywhere either. There is absolutely nothing positive to come out of feeling jealous, it's a completely useless emotion.
Feelings such as jealousy are based on fear and do not come from love at all. Jealousy comes from wanting to possess and wanting to own or have. One cannot own another being or even the mind of another being. One being cannot live for another. Remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first!
Feelings such as guilt and worry are in the same category. See what benefits you could possibly derive from sitting in your favourite chair and contemplating as well as experiencing these feelings intensely for a few hours? None of course because they do not deliver any benefit other than getting you into an even greater state of fear. So you see, that jealousy, guilt, fear and worry all belong in the trash bin because they do not deliver any benefit whatsoever. Love on the other hand will get you to understand and be less fearful. This in turn will make it possible for you to experience joy and bliss.
Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK. Be careful because the universe will deliver that which you THINK!
Eve
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A
female
reader, AngelEyes420 +, writes (9 February 2007):
AngelEyes420 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe first part is confusing, sorry. We were together over 7 yrs, and have been broken up for 3 months
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