How do I get over my bitterness toward my ex-husband?

Tagged as: The ex-factor

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Question - (20 October 2014)

5 Answers - (Newest, 23 October 2014)

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am so bitter about how financially successful my ex husband is.

Ex and I were married six years. It was not a good marriage. He is a very selfish individual, verbally and emotionally abusive, and non committal. I stayed with him because I loved him, didn't want to be divorced, and eventually we did have a child together and I wanted to stay together for him-all bad choices in hindsight.

We divorced about a year ago. When I married him, he wasn't making very much money and was just starting out in his career. I supported him, helped him with his courses, and basically, he was allowed to keep climbing the career ladder. We lived overseas at the time, so I was only able to take menial jobs just to stay busy and make extra spending money.

Once we returned to the States, he began making a six figure salary and walked out a few months later. He has a girlfriend now too and I know she makes considerable money as well. I am raising our child by myself, and while he does pay child support, it is basically pocket change in comparison to what he makes.

I am angry at him, angry at myself. I barely make enough money to sustain a living here for myself and I have to "watch" as him and his girlfriend live a life of luxury and play house with my child two times a month. I hate that I was there with him when he had nothing, and then he left when he had "something". I hate that his girlfriend is getting the best of him, when I got the worst.

What can I do to cope with these bitter feelings?

View related questions: divorce, emotionally abusive, has a girlfriend, money, my ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014):

I completely understand. I was married for 18 years. I supported my husband while he gained professional qualifications, during periods of his unemployment, spent hours, days, sometimes weeks alone while he pursued his career and sacrificed my own to re-locate for his. Gave him advice on work issues and listened and supported while he had stressful and upsetting times. Then, exactly as you describe, he reached a 'pinnacle' of his career, was on a massive salary with an ego to match and he decided I was no longer important. I had not, in his words, kept up with him and he was now "mixing with people of a much higher intelligence" than me. Prior to leaving he had, of course, systematically put me down at every opportunity - just so that I would not be able to overshadow him in any way or fight back. He divorced me by email (yep) never spoke to me again and re-married a year after we divorced - moved on without a second glance. Yet I had been so important to him when he was working his way up the career ladder - cooking, cleaning and tidying after him. I have read a lot on this topic since 'women who love too much' 'inside the minds of angry and controlling men' and others and we are sadly not alone. Do understand that we were and are loving people that were taken advantage of - doormats perhaps - but loving ones at that. Be proud of your beautiful child and, if I was in your shoes I would ask him for nothing - that way he has no rights and no hold over you any more. You call the shots about his access - get your power back!! I even sacrificed having children which sadly now with failing hormones I am paying the ultimate price of being childless. The injustice makes it difficult to heal from but be resolute, as I am, that I am better without someone so cold and calculated. I also plan to have a balance in life and no relationship will take me over again in such a cruel and unhealthy way.