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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: There is a girl at my work. She's pretty. I like her. I want her to like me as well.But I don't feel confidence in myself. I find myself utterly stupid and socially awkward. And ugly and unfunny. She has those beautiful eyes. She talks to me and smiles.Why I feel worth for nothing?:1. I often feel stupid. I have nothing to say. I say stupid things people don't care about, or that are just plain stupid.I'm not funny. I don't know how to talk. 2. I don't have a social life. So I don't have things to talk about. To share or just to participate. 3. I'm ugly and less than others in every aspect of my person.4. I don't know what to do with a girl, out at night, on normal day-to-day life, or in sex. I just don't know.How do I overcome all those points. How do I gain some confidence in myself?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): OP here:
@maverick494:
Thanks for your words. It's nice to hear words from someone that was more or less in this situation once.
#The word passion is overrated, but I believe every human being has interests they can pursue.
Well, back in the days I liked skateboarding... A few days ago I saw a place close to my apartment with boys and girls doing skating. I don't know if I would make any friends there, but I'll have fun for sure :) I'm really pleased I've found this place...
#And one thing that is key in making friends: have patience but be involved. That means not being desperate, but sending them a text/e-mail/call every now and then to let them know you're still interested and want to meet up to do fun stuff.
I have to practice this one. The few people close to me (that now are quite far away) often tell me I won't call/text them back or just lose contact over a long period of time... Sometimes I think they won't care anyway... Again this self-worth problem, I suppose.
#As for the girl, yes she may very well just act nice to you, but if you don't give it a shot you're never going to know.
Yeah, better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all...
I think I'll just see if we get along (I haven't talked to her a lot, just some chatting here and there), and then, and just then, start thinking if there can be something more than that...
This Friday is a good day to start, there is a party we're both in :) I hope she'll assist... I don't know much about parties but I think I can have some time to get to know her a little outside of the office...
#You can do it. But I really do suggest you get some counseling.
I've thought about this too. I hope I can handle it myself being more active socially and being a little less hard to myself...
If this doesn't work I'll look for professional help.
#Hope this helps a bit, OP.
It does. Thanks a lot.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (24 November 2012):
Hi OP, thanks for getting back to us.
Moving to a new place can be daunting if you're not a social butterfly. I know what it's like. The key is putting yourself in a situation that is partly still within your comfort zone.
- So for example get a ticket to a show/movie/musical/concert and try to make small talk with the people around you before it starts, during breaks, etc. You may not get anything out of it, but at least you'll get to practice your skills in a non threatening situation.
- A place I really found convenient was a sushi restaurant. Now, to be honest I've only been in one specific sushi restaurant in my life, but this one had a round table, where everything just came by in circles and in the middle there were cooks working. So that means you're not sitting alone but you don't really have to talk to people either if you don't want to. It's a nice place to strike up a conversation and I've met quite a few people through that.
- Book stores and libraries are also great places to meet people if you like to read. A lot of them have clusters of chairs and couches to sit and read on. It's the easiest way to strike up a conversation, by simply asking about the book the other is reading and working your way up from there.
- If you are in a courageous mood, try getting a job (or side job) at reception/frontdesk or maybe as a bartender. I'm a bartender and though just the idea of it scared me to death the initial few weeks, I've now grown accustomed and find it's an easy way to get to know people.
- The word passion is overrated, but I believe every human being has interests they can pursue. You may not do sports, but is there one that caught your eye? Mind you, this can be something that isn't physically exhausting, like for example archery. As for myself, I discovered paragliding last summer (skydiving is a bit too expensive). Try something new, you may like it. And yes, though boring as hell, a gym is also a place to meet people. I made a friend there who happened to train every day I did.
And one thing that is key in making friends: have patience but be involved. That means not being desperate, but sending them a text/e-mail/call every now and then to let them know you're still interested and want to meet up to do fun stuff.
As for the girl, yes she may very well just act nice to you, but if you don't give it a shot you're never going to know. Just try to get to know her. Compliment her. Don't tell her she's pretty: pretty women get that all the time. They like it much more if a guy compliments them about something they've achieved. So compliment her on her hair, her make-up, her dress. Don't overdo it; just let her know you've noticed. Ask her about hobbies and maybe if you feel up to it, you can casually suggest to go with her or do something together.
You can do it. But I really do suggest you get some counseling. I myself thought i was stupid to do, a way of giving up, but sometimes you stand in the way of yourself and this is certainly the case with you. Maybe you can overcome it on your own, maybe you could use some help. There's no shame if the latter is true for you/
Hope this helps a bit, OP.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): OP here:
maverick494:
#1. Why do you believe the things you say are stupid and of no interest to other people?
I don't know. May be it's just in my mind. People have told me I underestimate my work, so it could be the same thing.
#2. Why don't you have a social life? What do you do in your spare time? Do you work too much? Do you have hobbies/sports/passions that allow you to meet and interact with other people?
I have no friends where I live (I moved recently). I have no hobbies. Don't do sports...
#3. Why do you believe you're ugly and less than others?
I'm a little paranoid and I'm always thinking other people hate for some reason.
Do other people say this to you?
No, noone does.
This girl you fancy talks and smiles at you, so she obviously thinks you're worth her time.
May be she is being nice and nothing more...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): OP here:
anonymous12345150:
1.go to the gym/exercise
2.groom/take care of your appearance/dress well
Yeah I'm doing that. Friends told me this too. I'm trying to change a lot. Trying really hard. I can notice that these changes are helping a lot.
3.force yourself into social situations no matter how small or large.
I'm trying this one. But I recently moved and I have no friends where I live now and it's really hard for me to make new friends. And this is what make me feel stupid... I don't know what to say or do... zero social skills...
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 November 2012):
Honestly, I think some counseling would do you good. Many people are insecure, but your lack of self worth is of such a magnitude it cripples you in every way. From your post I suspect you've been dealing with this for quite some time now and you have to do something about it before you reduce yourself to a empty shell of misery.
Some questions for you:
#1. Why do you believe the things you say are stupid and of no interest to other people? Do they tell you this? If so, who does? Your friends, your family or people you don't get along well with?
#2. Why don't you have a social life? What do you do in your spare time? Do you work too much? Do you have hobbies/sports/passions that allow you to meet and interact with other people?
#3. Why do you believe you're ugly and less than others? Do other people say this to you? This girl you fancy talks and smiles at you, so she obviously thinks you're worth her time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous12345150  +, writes (17 November 2012):
you and only you have the power to change how you feel about yourself,till you don't feel good about yourself you shouldn't expect anyone else to.
1.go to the gym/exercise
as you notice your body changing you will feel better about how you look also the endorphins released when exercising will improve your mood and outlook.
2.groom/take care of your appearance/dress well
if you look like you care about yourself and feel like you do then you will gain confidence and people will pick up on it because they will see that you have pride in yourself.
3.force yourself into social situations no matter how small or large.
ultimately with anything in life you have to do things for yourself.......
if you are in a hole then it is your job to get out of it.i have given you some suggestions,good luck.
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