A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 21 year old college student living at home with my parents due to financial reasons. My parents have always been protective but now that I have gotten older it seems like they have gotten worse, mainly my mother. I do work go to classes and the rare chances I do go out I am back in at a decent hour (midnight) A friend has invited me out to celebrate my birthday and we are planning on going shopping then staying overnight at a a hotel with another friend (All females no males) and going to a club. Out of respect I mentioned it to my mother and she nearly passed out, telling me I am not going anywhere and that it was a silly idea and my father wouldn't approve of it. Since i am living at home i understand I have to live under there rules but at the same time I feel like my mother is holding on way to tight for my age. It's extremely embarrassing when my friends can stay out later and go places and get treated like 20 and 21 year olds and They have to rush me back home because i can't be out or go places. Any advice on how I should break it down to my mother without coming off as disrepectful.
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (2 October 2010):
Well, I'm still stumped over what to suggest. You are obviously disappointed that your own mother is throwing a wet towel on your celebration.
Your dad's comment may be revealing. They say that many of us in the "baby boom" generation regret our behavior as young adults, and are very uncomfortable telling our kids, "Yeah, I did those things but now I know it wasn't a good idea and I don't think you should be doing those things.".
It's a lame suggestion, but is there any possibility of getting a 3-way discussion going with your mom and dad about what they would consider an "appropriate" celebration for you? In a way, that puts them on the spot to make constructive suggestions, rather than reacting to whatever you propose. It also means that they need to interact with you as an adult - and you need to encourage that by behaving as "adult" as you know how.
A wildly improbable thought: It was very interesting to see my wife interacting with our daughter when she got married. They spent time together at a long list of showers, receptions, luncheons, etc, etc - with our daughter's friends. On several of these events my wife was the only "old person" in attendance, but she got along very well, and had a lot of fun, with the gaggle of girls. It doesn't sound like you have that kind of relationship with your mom, but have you considered she may be jealous over not being invited to join the party?
Hoping the best for you . . . and, regardless of what happens, please work to prevent this from becoming a BIG THING between you and your parents. You don't know it yet, but you still need them, and will continue to need them for a while.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn all honesty I am not leaving any information out, I have never been drunk done any sort of drugs or what not, I am not perfect though . I wasn't let out of the house enough to go do some crazy rebellious thing, which I am not complaining about. My father isn't like my mother who gets upset right away he waits unti I'm at an event (Party, movies, concert) to call me or send a text messaging basically saying "don't get pregnant" which kills my whole mood and upsets me that he thinks that I'm so slutty I'm going to give it up to any guy. Once again only had one bf and didn't have guys in and out of the house. My parents know my friends it is my best friend since elementary school and she hasn't been in any trouble with the law the only thing I can say is she doesn't always pick the best boyfriends. I'm really not into drinking and wild parties anyways I think they are stupid. All i want to do is have my mom say have a good time on the rare occasions that I do go out.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (1 October 2010):
When I see questions like this I always wonder of the poster is accurately presenting the whole situation; or embellishing (or omitting) information.
There's no such thing as a neutral, unbiased opinion but I shall assume you are a person of integrity who has done her best to be factually accurate and complete.
I must commend you for informing your mother of your plans. It does show courtesy and respect for her. Your event doesn't sound particularly unreasonable. I don't recall anything specifically like this, but I suspect I would have allowed my daughter to do that when she was 21.
I honestly don't know how to best approach your mother (she's YOUR mother, not mine!) but the following questions may help you think through this situation:
- What does your father think of your plans? (Note: Do NOT try to play one parent against the other. That's a formula for disaster.)
- Do your parents know these friends of yours? Do your friends have a good reputation with your parents?
- Is it possible that your parents had other plans for celebrating your birthday?
- Do your parents have any reason to think you might embarrass THEM (as well as yourself) by sneaking off to some kind of drunken orgy? OK, that's probably an exaggerated way to say it . . . but young adults, in general, have a reputation for celebrating events by doing regrettable things.
I hope you respond with some more thoughts and insight!
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