A
female
age
51-59,
*atejxc
writes:My husband has been depressed since 2005 ended, I've constantly tried and tried to seek help for him but he has so far refused to get it over the past four years.He keeps on insisting to me that September 2004 to the end of 2005 were the "golden days", "glory years" and wants to relive them again and again.He's been playing music from those years A LOT, and feels upset a lot of the time.He can't work, the doctor signed him off work with depression and he's on benefit.It's a shame, as a few years ago he was a happy, dynamic man.I'm concerned for his health, both mentally and physically. Hygiene is also an issue - he doesn't seem to care about it and sits watching old re-runs of news broadcasts from 2004-2005 he bought over the Internet.I've tried and tried but just can't see a way out of this situation.I know you'll think this is a bizarre situation, but is he taking nostalgia too far, and what can/should I do to deal with this?I feel more like his carer than his wife, and am so stressed and upset it's getting me down.Please help me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): Instead of starting on the foot of drugging up the guy think you need to start by acknowledging.Those probably *were* the "glory years" and things may not get better than that. Men peak at mid to late 30's in most criterion. They might not be as fast as they were at 18, but they will be stronger, taller, earn more, have a better car, their own house and in their career they will have had a few promotions and things are looking great. By they time the guy is 40 things will be breaking down- he is no longer the bright up and comer at work and in fact career options may be closed off, his body which had been getting better year by year is now breaking down for no good reason. The fact that he has a car and house and kids and wife now just means he is on the treadmill to support them and they may also be a source of disappointment. There is a comedian who has a joke that goes until a man is about 35 he always assumes that if he really dedicated himself, went away for a year, found the right dojo in rural Japan, he could be the baddest ass on the planet- men find it funny because it is true. We have a mindset of unlimited possibility and if it doesnt come off its only because we didnt choose to act on it. I'd suggest that your husband should focus on very concrete accomplishments and hobbies in the now. Rather than blowing thousands of dollars on drugs, you should spend thousands on wood working tools. Or buy him an old TR3 as a project car. Or sign up for a flight school. A quick internet search and you could be skydriving this weekend. You have to realize that his past goals in life are now meh. Unless he gets new goals, or his sports teams go on an unexpected streak he will stay in the slump.
A
female
reader, happyhippo85 +, writes (26 October 2009):
 Hmmm. Is there a reason for his depression?
Like, out of job, cheated by friends, etc
By the way, medicine do not have much use for depression if the person himself do not want to take control i believe..
therefore, what is bothering him?
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (26 October 2009):
 You should talk to his doctor. Clearly he is clinically depressed and it is unlikely he will get better on his own. He may need a variety of treatments. Start with exercise.
His doctor may want him on a course of drugs but they don't suit everyone and should only be for a limited time.
He will also need some form of therapy and he might need to try more than one form to get him out of the hole.
Many famous people have been depressives. There is no shame in admitting it.
He must comprehend that in order for his life to get better he has to stop doing some of the things he is doing and start doing some things he currently is not.
Tell him to stop looking for the answer in the cellar. No matter how long he wanders around down in his personal blackness the answer is never down there. Reason should convince him by now.
Start the ball rolling with a course of omega 3 fish oils. If he is averse to pharmceuticals then encourage him to take St John's Wart. It will take about three weeks to kick in.
It is the basis to move on to get to the root of what is bothering him.
Finally, you need to talk to someone yourself. You might even consider counselling. It's good to know you aren't the only one with this problem.
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