A
male
age
41-50,
*a-medic
writes:I am having a trust issue currently. My fiance, who I know would never cheat on me, likes to go out on girl's nights out to a local bar. I have seen the clientele in the bar, and at the risk of sounding narcissistic, I feel that I am better looking than any guy in there. The problem I think lies in the fact that my ex-wife cheated on me and consistently got too drunk in bars to know what she was doing. How do I convince myself that my current fiance is not my ex-wife so I can rid myself of the anxiety when she goes out? We have fought badly the last two times she went out, and I really hate it.
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cheated on me, drunk, ex-wife, fiance, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): I am that "current fiance" you speak of. My boyfriend had a horrible first marriage in which his ex wife cheated on him with another woman, then a man and then another man. Well, he is emotionally scarred to say the least and has admitted, like you, that he is scared I will do the same. However, I am completely unlike his ex in everyway. If your fiancee has demonstrated to you that she is trustworthy and loyal to you then please try harder to be understanding. Don't let your past relationships and the pain they've caused you keep you from investing your trust fully in someone new. From her point of view (and mine) it is just as hard falling in love with a man who has had turbulent ex-relationships and as a result may at times act in the way you are describing here. Its just as hard to convince a man that not all women are the same as their ex.
A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (25 August 2008):
 separate them in your mind! you are grouping all of your relationships with women in one category... forget about your ex, she is the past. treat your fiance as if she is the first and last woman you will ever be with. dont let past experiences taint the way you look at things, ESPECIALLY if you know it is just innocent fun.
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A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 So you know your fiancee would never cheat on you but...
You can't convince yourself, all you can do is trust. What happened to you before is in the past, with a different woman. I can perfectly understand your hurt and fear but you have met someone else who you are planning to marry and yet you don't trust her.
In relationships we none of us know anything for certain, there are no guarantees. We make sure that we know our partner as well as we can and then we trust them. Sometimes they will betray our trust and hopefully more often than not they won't.
Her girls' nights out are probably just that (speaking as a girl) and no doubt very different to a 'lad's night out', which is perhaps what you are imagining. Generally speaking girls chat on nights out (especially when they're engaged to be married), men drink, chat and oggle (even when they're engaged to be married)!
Someone once told me that the things you worry about never happen. I generally find that to be true.
Just trust her and don't ruin the wonderful future you plan to have together. xx
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