A
female
age
30-35,
*W1111
writes:Okay, so here is the issue. I have been with my boyfriend, who we'll call "C," for about a year and a half. We are getting an apartment together in a few months and are discussing marriage quite soon. The topic of children has come up a few times, but he says he is unsure. What can I do to convince him? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): You cannot convince him or control his thoughts. If he says he is unsure, chances are he needs more time with the relationship to make that decision as he needs to see how things further develop between you two. After all, you havent lived together yet. Thats a HUGE step as it will be stressful at first and also adapting to each others habits and what not. Patience. take things step by step here and hopefully things will work out. regards.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Sorry I'm not totally sure what you mean by your question? Is he unsure of having children NOW? Or does he not know if he wants children EVER?
Presuming you mean that you want kids now and want to convince him to feel the same:
Well you cant 'convince' someone to be ready for such a massive thing as having children, if he is unsure then I am sure he has good reasons for this and there is nothing you can do to pressure him into doing this.
Assuming he is around your age, then you are both incredibly young and in the early stages of your relationship so it seems a bit soon to be having kids? You are not even living together yet, never mind married and settled down in a stable relationship.
As much as a year and a half may seem like a long time to you, in reality it is not long at all and chances are you are still in the honeymoon phase where everything seems wonderful. But you have not tested your relationship enough to know how it will work under the immense strain of having a family.
I think the most sensible thing to do would be to stop worrying about kids right now, and just move in together first then plan your wedding. That is a heck of a lot to deal with, a new house and a wedding so worrying about children would only put too much stress on both of you. Once you are married and settled - then think about kids.
But if you meant that he is unsure about having children at all - then you need to talk to him seriously about this. You cannot convince him to want a family, that is his personal decision and you should not force him to pretend to want something. Explain to him that you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, but you cannot commit to someone who does not share the same dreams for the future as you do. DO NOT move in with him or agree to marry him if he doesnt want kids and you want them - as much as you may love each other, if you want different things in life then it will never ever work. I know so many couples that dont talk about this properly before they get married, and then 2 years down the line when they are married it becomes a huge problem and they divorce because neither party is willing to give up their ideals.
So you MUST talk about this before you make a commitment to each other - if you want different things then you have to go your separate ways I'm afraid, no relationship will ever work where one wants kids and the other does not. You cannot convince him to want a family, just as he could not convince you to stop wanting children either. So talk about this and make sure you know exactly where you both stand.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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