A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Adult Help And Advice Required PleaseI need some Help and Advice with my relationship.I have been seeing my Gf for about 2 years now and got engadged at christmas, we were meant to be getting married sometime this year. our relationship has been fine except for the last 4 weeks now because of a trust isssue. when she checked my email account and found an email from this girl i had met on the internet before her. There was nothing dodgy about the email just saying hi and how am i and stuff like that, but she asked my why i had lied when she asked me if i had met anyone on the internet before he and i said because i kinda forgot and didnt think it was important. But now she has been pissed off over that because i lied so now she dosnt trust me anymore and my life is hell. An i started getting paranoid that she was sleeping around but shes not like that and would never do such a thing. She has been very nasty to me the last 4 weeks ignoring me not having sex or kissing or holding hands or stuff like that. then she will tell me to f**k off in a txt or on the internet and say its over, but later on say sorry and she will give it another try. but she cant seem to forgive me.I know relationships are built on trust, but there must be a way of rebuilding it and convincing her of forgiving me.Well tonight i travelled all the way to where she lived up north (3hours it took me) to take her some flowers and so i could see her and look her in the eyes and tell her i loved her. Well that worked i txt her saying be at the station at the certain time and she lost it and said why u cuming up, and then told me to f**k off out of her life and everything else. Well like i say im not giving up on her so i sent the flowers in a taxi to here house and got back on the train, and i did get a couple of txts off her saying nice flowers thank you and then in the txt ( U KNOW I TRYD TO 4GIVE U BUT IVE BEEN HURT SO MANY TIMES B4 A CANT GO THRU IT AGEN. I AINT BOTHERED U MET HER ITS JUST U LIIED TO ME.) well im trying on more thing im trying to get her to come down this weekend so we can have some time alone and im going to take her to a candle lit dinner and theatre and on the london eye and hope fully win her over by that.but i need to get here away from home because her brother is being a real dick and hes influencing her to fuck me off.The thing is she really loved me ( i loved you more than anything in the world n i trusted you 100%!!!!!!!!!!)WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT BETTERI REALLY LOVE HER AND DONT WANT IT TO END, I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER TO LOVE ME AGAIN I KNOW IM PROBABLLY AN IDIOT BUT IM TRYING MY BEST.PLEASE HELP ME
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female
reader, Reebe +, writes (28 March 2007):
 Hi there
Oh dear I think she got the wrong end of the stick, you seem to be genuine in what you are saying, maybe you should show your girfriend what you have written here?
I think maybe with getting engaged it all got a bit too much for her, as she seems to be over reacting a bit to much to what happened. Maybe this isn't the real reason that she's pushing you away and there's more too it?
I would give her some space for a few days and then maybe send her an email or write her a letter (don't do it by text) explaining how you are feeling and that you don't understand why she wouldn't trust you about this as you haven't lied to her before and for the 100th time say your sorry, then say you will give her some space if that's what she wants, and then I'm afraid the decision is hers and you will just have to see what she says to your letter.
Hope all works out ok, Good Luck!
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (28 March 2007):
 Hey!
I can see where you are both coming from, and I really would be asking the question, why is she harbouring this so much ?
It was obviously way over 2 years ago that you met this other person and it really should not have a consequence on the two of you now. I dont understand why she is being so unfair to you like this.... yeah sure you should have told her, but how were you to know that things were gonna pan out this far with you guys. We all have a past, we all have exes, we all have a history. No one is the same, we are all unique and have different experiences.
Shes got alot of emotional baggage as Midge said, and shes got to sift through that before she can move on, but I cant help feeling there is something else... She is really making you pay for this,... WHY? Is she shifting some guilt onto you for something she has done ?
If she wont met up with you face to face then its going to be hard to get to the bottom of this and resolve it. You are going to have write to her, Write what you said here, and tell her how you feel, tell her why you lied,(because she was special and you didnt want her to feel less special by thinking she was second best something like that) Tell her you love her respect her and all the things you feel about her, tell her exactly how you are feeling now, how much you want to work through this and if she would only give you the time of day she will see you are not like all the rest... Its unfair of her to tar you with that brush, we cannot let past expereinces cloud our future, im afraid if shes doing that then things are not going to work. She cannot let someone elses mistakes break the two of you up.
I really dont know what else to suggest, until shes ready you are not going to get anywhere, you just need to let her see that she can trust you and that time will be the only way to do this.. its raw at the moment so maybe when its calmed down a bit it will be easier to talk and discuss it. Give her time to think hang on a minute he does deserve a chance, the more pressure you give her the more she will be stubborn and back off... Let it be her idea, hang back a bit and see what happens, its a bit like reverse physchology, if you stop chasing she may feel hang on a minute im not having that and then start to warm to you.
Take care and I hope it works out for you x x
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (28 March 2007):
 You seem sincere about what you have said.
Take it from someone who has been lied to on a daily basis by an ex, its really hard to deal with when someone hasnt told you the whole truth, and all the facts.
She has obviously got baggage from previous relationships, which she needs to work through. You have to be totally open and honest with her even if its something you think she will freak about. These e-mails were from a time before you, which means its history, and she needs to understand that. The only way you will make this work is by getting in a face to face situation where you can talk things through. Texting and e-mails is REALLY difficult. My boyfriend goes a way a LOT, so the only correspondence we have is by phone, email and text. Its really hard especially if you have had an argument before he left. We normally only get is sorted out, when he comes home.
Get her somewhere where there are no interferences from outsiders, have a heart to heart, and if needs be show her all the e-mails from this girl. That way she can see herself what has been said etc, showing her that you have nothing to hide from her.
All the flowers in the world wont make an ounce of difference unless she is prepared to discuss it. If not, then I'm afraid you need to deal with that!
Its not easy when one feels like they have been lied to or been cheated on, so she needs time to learn to trust you again! She probably does love you, but with family sticking their ore in, its not easy!
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