A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Recently I have had to spend more time working closer with my boss. I have never really had much to do with him on a one to one basis and so have not really thought much about him or his home life. Have now found out he has been married for over twenty years and daily he talks about the good and bad in his relationship. He has been a good higher up boss for many years and I respect him a lot. I went through a weird phase of being attracted to him, he is not my type at all and although similar in age we have little common ground. I had recently started a relationship after a messy divorce and try and keep my personal life out of work.He tells me what he has done on the weekend and usually I say nothing about my own personal life. I developed a bit of a crush on him and feel really bad as laughed it off with my friends and now feel as if I have disrespected his good nature as he is really good company to work with.The trouble is I actually have become very attracted to him, so much so that I decided today to tell the man I was in a new relationship with that I would rather be friends. I have always been totally committed in relationships and feel very confused as married is married and even if I am attracted to him whatever develops further can’t go anywhere. My friends think it’s amusing as think I am besotted with him and he is a genuinely decent man and don’t seem to understand how awkward I am feeling. How do I carry on being professional ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2019): Let's site some examples and explore a few scenarios. Give it some thought. How do you stay professional when you have a crush on a married-person? How should they behave with you?
#1) He's your husband, and his best employee is an extremely sexy and attractive woman. She is exceptionally smart, and known to be very kind and well-liked by her co-workers. He can see all her best/better traits, as compared to yours. She seems to like working for him; and even bakes him pies or cakes. He speaks of her incessantly? How would that make you feel as his wife? She never flirted. She's just a nice person and loves to bake. He's her boss.
#2) You go to see your gynecologist. He's older, but still somewhat attractive. He likes to make indirect flirtations during and after examinations. He has known you for years, but he's married. How do you feel about him examining you and knowing he's attracted to you at the same time? Shouldn't he control himself and be professional? Would you feel comfortable, if you had a clue he was enjoying his work?
#3) You see your boss's wife at a company dinner party. She seems to stare at you as if she wants to say something to you. It isn't a pleasant look at all. It's a cold look, and you sense tension in the room. You notice them seeming to be having a unpleasant discussion; and he's trying to keep it at a hush. Co-workers in the room seem to notice, and eyes turn to you. How would you feel?
#4) Your boyfriend meets your younger friend. She's married. He seems to keep checking her out. They seem to hit it off well. He makes her blush, and he can't seem to take his eyes off her. She heard he's lawyer. He hands her his business card. Offers to consult her about a legal-issue she's been having. It's business, but how would you feel about it? Her problem is serious, but he happens to be a professional in that field of law. Don't you trust him to be "professional?" Wouldn't you expect him to be?
Women are very intuitive creatures. They seem to hone-in on other women who crush on their boyfriends and husbands. She will know the looks you exchange, your body-language around each other, and your name will surface in her household a few times more than she would appreciate it. Why? If you've never made a pass or openly exchanged flirtations?
If you're crushing, you're sending involuntary-signals. If you say you can't help yourself, you've made overt moves to let him know you're attracted to him. He's a man, works close with you, and he will pick-up on the slightest clue.
People attracted to each other can't help sending signals.
He's another woman's husband. All relationships have their ups and downs. That is not offering an opening to other women or men to be opportunists at signs of trouble in their marriage.
Your job is where you earn the money to pay the bills. It's not where we seek romance and sex. Marriage means people have exchanged vows, and sworn fidelity and loyalty to each other. Even when they disagree and or have serious problems. Having marital-problems is not an invitation to others to slide in-between the cracks. A marriage is still off-limits to outsiders; until it is legally and mutually discontinued as a marriage.
Being a professional shows dignity, focus, self-control, and an automatic respect for boundaries that don't have to be blatantly displayed to know when and how to observe them. It starts with being a person of solid-character, and possessing a high level of self-respect. Cool your jets!
As adults, we follow rules, respect the rights of others, and observe moral boundaries; because we know the consequences of our actions. We know right from wrong. We can't make excuses for not being accountable; or showing restraint when it is required of us. We also know when to reel-in our sense of entitlement; as compared to youngsters in their teens or early 20's! We've developed hormone-control well-past our puberty.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): Don't ever get involved with a married man. You will never know pain worse than that in your life. Stay away while you still haven't lost yourself, your self esteem and your self worth. It's ok to get crushes but you need to stop it now. Don't let it progress to a point where you lose control. You need to always be in control. Men seek easy sex. You will be the one whose destroyed and heartbroken. Guaranteed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 April 2019):
 Well, I think it's only fair that you broke up with the man you are dating as you are crushing on someone else.
But a CRUSH is just that... A CRUSH. It doesn't HAVE to go anywhere, in your case it really shouldn't.
Perhaps you need to cut down on how much time you spend with or around this married boss (aside from when you ACTUALLY have to work with him).
And perhaps you need to stop fueling this fantasy/crush with the including your friends into the fantasy. The more YOU keep it alive, the longer it will persist.
You are OLD enough to know how to be professional. It's not like you have any other choice. The guy is UNAVAILABLE (which might BE one of the reasons you have developed a crush, because he seemed "safe" at first, and you know NOTHING GOOD can come of this.
Back away. Maybe consider if you are TRULY over the divorce or if this CRUSH is a sorta "emotional diversion".
You DO need to nip this in the bud, and you know it. It's not really all that "funny" as your friends call it. Put yourself in his wife's shoes... How would you feel?
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