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anonymous
writes:Ever since last year I have been on like an emotional rollercoaster. I havent stoped feeling overly emotional and overwhelemed. It all started when I started dating my ex bf who was emotionaly abusive. I was with him for almost 1 year. I broke up with him thinking my life would get back to the way it used to be, where I felt happy and just gennerally good in life. But it never did. Then this year I dated another guy who totaly disrespected me and tried forcing me into bed with him. We have broken up now yet I still feel bad for some reason.Why is it that although those guys are out of my life, I still am suffering. I feel down constantly and dont like myself. I dont feel I deserve to be happy. I know that those feelings are 'irrational'. On an intellectual level I know how things relaly are and i know what I should think, but I cant stop feeling how I feel. Does that make sense?I did try counselling for a bit last year but i didnt feel it helped. any advice?
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female
reader, Pasha  +, writes (1 May 2008):
I too have experienced the same. A bit of advice i was told......You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. You have to tell yourself every day that you are a good person and deserve to be happy. Something i have decided to do and this may help. now that you are not in any relationship, make a list of qualities that you would want in a dream man. but be realistic of course, and remember that no one is perfect and neither is no relationship. And don't settle for anything less! Give yourself at least 6 months or more and dont give into the relationship too seriously, meaning sex, until all other needs or emotions are there. good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Bad relationships tend to "snowball." They damage you and they also seem to pull you towards more of the same.People seem to date a "type." But the weird thing is that I think half of people's "type" is not really what they would have wanted in an ideal world but rather just what they're used to attracting and getting with in the past.
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female
reader, Kimaxsi  +, writes (1 May 2008):
I am sorry for what you've had to go through, I am imagine most of the readers can relate, because bad relationships are a part of life that can't be totally avoided and if you were to close yourself off emotionally to avoid getting hurt you'd end up missing a good thing when it did come along. Doing things you love is a good place to start, getting involved in something that gives you a sense of purpose and accomplishment helps too, maybe volunteering somewhere. Doing such work will also help keep you from totally shutting down and closing in on yourself, it'll help keep you open and that loving compassionate energy might just attract you a loving compassionate mate. Before entering into a new relationship though take some time for you, evaluate what you want out of life and remember we are responsible for own happiness, a relationship won't fill the void. When you start a new relationship its best if you are ready for it and in a good place, feeling good about yourself, you are less likely to attract abusers that way as well, being emotionally strong will help you make better choices for yourself and ward some of those bastards off.Also look at the type of men you are attracted too, I find many women mistake, aggressiveness, cockiness, arrogance and so forth for confidence in a man, that is not confidence and those men are usually jerk-offs. Kudos to you for dumping the losersTherapy does take time as someone mentioned so if you don't feel better right away remember its not a magic bullet and you get as much out of therapy as you invest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): The feelings you experience are real, and are hard to get over, they linger for quite sometime. I had something happen to me 2 1/2 years ago, and I'm still feeling them today.
Relationships can be hard. We may bring with us bad luggage from our past, and it may even affect the individual that were with. Recognizing this luggage for what it is, and correcting it can improve our lives.
As a beginner, I realized that I carried with me triats from my parents and siblings that weren't very nice. With a friend, I learned to identify them. The saying "do unto others as you wish them to do unto you" also helps set the stage.
I can only guess at how to get out of the dull drums of being hurt. I have found doing stuff I enjoy helps allot. Like listening to music, playing and writing music. Going places of interest, visiting good friends and spending some time together either doing things together or reminising about the old days can help lift you up.
There is no quick fix. Keeping and maintaining your sanity is critical. Don't allow yourself to become to depressed about things you didn't cause, and in case they were caused by your own action, realize were all not perfect, that we make mistakes, but we can change it.
Treat yourself to something you like, chocolate, hairdo, manicure, but don't over indulge for financial reasons of course.
Take care, and good luck.
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female
reader, Aunt tilly  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 You say that you tried counselling for a bit last year hun, counselling you have to stick at if pherhaps you,d carried on with it for a bit longer you may have felt better. I think you need something to give you back the self esteem that you seem to missing. Why nt try forgetting guys for a bit and start getting your life back on track, try new things enrol at the gym,go out with your friends more, your only young you shoudld,nt be feeling like this. You need to regain your confidence and this will make you feel much better about future relationships and you,ll become much more assertive. take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Honey, I'm sorry to hear you've had some bad experiences with guys in the past. And I'm also sorry for having to say this, but there's not really any way you can avoid relationships that are abusive or don't work out. It's all just part of life, and it's a learning curve for everybody. It may not be a nice learning curve, but in the future and you look back, I promise you that you will have learnt more lessons than you could ever know at this moment in time.
Yes, that does make sense, because I feel that way all the time to be honest. I know what I should do, but I can't help doing the opposite. Like on here, I've had a couple of the problems that people have posted about. And I give them advice, but if I tried to take it myself, it's not as easy as it sometimes sounds.
You've got to try and move on and forget about these guys. Think of all the lovely men that you know, all the lovely people that you have met in life. It seems you've just met a few wrong people for you. But after all, we all have a soul mate. And when you go through bad relationships, keep that in mind - there's someone out there that is perfect for you. Not all men are like the ones you have experienced (and they are more like boys to be honest). You will get over it honey, I promise, it just takes a little more time. Don't rush yourself or feel that you HAVE to move on quickly, because the heart is a horrible thing to damage. It takes time for it to heal. So relax and don't worry yourself, you have your whole life ahead and there are plenty of people out there that will make you very happy in life. Good luck.
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