A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Just a quick question!How do I reassure an insecure man of how I feel about him? He's distanced himself from me lately, and I'm fairly certain that it is because I've not given him enough attention. I'm uncomfortable with expressing my feelings because I feel it makes me vulnerable to being hurt. However, I am willing to compromise if it'll bring us close together again. I don't want to appear clingy nor desperate in my attempts but I need to express my inner feelings before I lose him for good. He means everything to me! How should I go about it? Thank you in advance for any replies x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! I would just like to thank each of you for the encouragement. My efforts seem to have paid off. I sent him a message last night expressing how I feel, the words came naturally to me, because (for once) I let my heart do the talking. As difficult as it was, I did the right thing! He responded very positively, expressing how I've lifted him up and that I mean the world to him, etc. It was incredibly moving to read - I couldn't help but cry! I also managed to express those three magic words. I'm feeling quite proud of myself to be honest! lol, just really hoping things will work out between us. He's planning to visit me in the coming weeks, so I will use this opportunity to discuss our issues face-to-face and in turn, hopefully gain a better understanding of each other. Thank you again for your insights, very much appreciated :)I've managed to tell him I love him too, it feels great to get it off my chest.
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male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (28 February 2011):
Right now, he needs to hear your true feelings for him, he feels alone. As you have said, when he needed you, you wasn't there for him, so he also feels rejected by you. That will always suppress someones feelings. You are scared to be hurt, and is ok, i am married and i feel that everyday, its natural, because you don't want the person you love so much to ever hurt you, but by you self protecting to not be hurt, you in turn hurt him. Write him a letter, not in the guise of a love struck 13 year old, but as yourself, be honest to him, show your true feelings for him, and trust him. It is obvious he loves you, he is still there, but that time will go fast untill he feels that it is pointless and all he will get out of this.. is hurt. You both do also need to talk face to face, so meeting up, go for dinner or a quiet drink together, and trust him enough to let that guard down and be true with him of your feelings. I wish you the best of luck. Let that love for him out, you will see a change in him straight away.
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reader, ThatGuy85  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 It's good that you've made these realizations and you're ready to make youre relationship better. Just remember that he has to put forth the effort into the relationship as well. I think the best way to talk to him is face to face, no cell phones, no facebook. It sounds like you two have had some turbuleance in using other forms of communication and the best way to make sure he doesn't ignore you is to get him in a situation where he can't. I know that people like him will often run or ignore something that makes them uncomfortable. He needs to hear how you feel and vice versa without an electronic blanket to hide behind.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thank you for your answers!
I've only just become aware of the issue, for the past few weeks that he's been distant towards me I was putting the blame on him - had he found another woman? was he using me all along? and as a result, I became reluctant to contact him aswel. I'm quite a stubborn person and I refuse to be messed around.
His changed behaviour didn't make any sense to me at all, he'd always expressed how much he loved and cared about me. So how could that change so quickly? But having gained much insight from friends and also Astrology, I've cracked the problem. His insecurities make so much sense, he was questioning me the other day if there was any other guys in my life (in a jokingly way but there was a hint of seriousness in it) I did reassure him but again, in a 'jokey' context so it couldn't be passed as a serious conversation. When I think back, I realise how terribly I've treated him. When he told me he loved me I couldn't say it back but I did, however express my fear of being hurt and he seemed really understanding and promised he would never hurt me, but I'm assuming all these knock-backs have finally taken their toll on him. I feel so guilty. The trouble is we live long distance from each other, so we rely entirely on communication as a substitute for being together in person - now that our communication has broken down, I need to act as soon as possible before he disappears forever. He was meant to visit me end of January but that's around the time he began distancing himself from me. When chatting via Facebook to him the other day, he said he was still up for coming to spend a weekend with me and concerningly asked if I was still ok with it! If he knew how I really felt, he'd needn't have to ask such questions.
As for any personal problems he may be facing, I have no idea. He's had a bad upbringing and always spoke of moving away from home. He did express to me (just before the reduced contact) that he was going through a tough situation and his head was messed up, I responded compassionately and encouraged him to open up but he never told me what the problem was. The following day he wanted to ring me but due to personal issues, I refused to talk to him on the phone. I think that was probably the final straw for him, I rejected him in his time of need. I'm so sad that I've only just realised how badly I've treated him. Thankfully its not too late to fix the situation, his feelings are still intact and we still have 'some' contact - that is, when he doesn't ignore my messages!
We are two different people, he needs security in the relationship and I need stability. We've not been providing these to each other and it's inevitably driven us apart. I feel it's up to me to take the first step and provide him the reassurance he craves.
What would be an appropriate way of expressing my feelings? I'm good with words so would it be wise to write some form of 'love letter'? I just worry that I'll come across too strongly. The last thing I want to do is scare him off lol.
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reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (27 February 2011):
You just answered your own question to a large degree, you're not showing your feeling out of self protection, and that in turn is pushing him away and causing insecurities. You know that by closing yourself off, and not being open with him, that it will get worse not better.
Sit down with him, and explain to him, right now, he feels pushed away, like you don't really care, when it is actually because you close your feelings off because of the fear of being hurt, but unless you learn that, being open with your man, the person you love, you won't be able to get past that. Let you man in, talk to him, let him comfort your fears, ease them and protect you, that is not being clingy or possessive, its called love. I see you love him, and you don't want to lose him, talk to him. Allot of a relationship is communication, more than physicality.
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reader, ThatGuy85 +, writes (27 February 2011):
Has there been any new developments lately, anything that could have affected him? A family problem? Ask him if there's anything troubling him because sometimes it only takes a little thing to send an insecure man into a tailspin of depression. If you let him know that you care, it should help.
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