A
male
age
41-50,
*isgustedInMyself
writes:Hi everyone...I'm in this really, really bad situation. I have to choose between two women. Yes, I know...how did I get myself into this?? And to most of the women out there, their first thought...I'm a chauvinistic pig!! To tell you the truth...that's the way I feel about myself right now...but here's a little background on myself:I'm not divorced...YET! My divorce has been going on for more than 2 years now....my wife left me for another man...I was always faithfull to my wife...I did what I could to make her and my 2 little daughters happy....and also I did my best at our relationship...didn't work...needless to say...after 13years of marriage she had an affair and left me...I moved to another city and my eldest daughter (at that time she was 8 years old)wanted to go with me..and so we did...started my life over...started dating again after a few months...my wife found out...she wanted to reconcile...I still loved my wife..and we gave it a chance...didn't work and after 2 months of reconsilliation...I came home one Friday to find my house empty...she took my girls and moved back to her lover...I was devastated...but I got through it all...keeping contact with my girls everyday..paying my maintenance and everything that goes with it....now my wife says she loves me more than ever and that I would be her THIRD MARRIAGE oneday...yeah right!!...as if I'm going to let that happen again to me! Anyway, enough about that....Ok, so we had friends from a town we used to stay in...these friends also had marriage problems and decided to get divorced...we had contact...myself and the woman...but just as friends..and not really quite often...then one day I received a txt message from her...telling me that she's in love with me(C)....now remember, she's not divorced yet, neither am I...but we both are living on our own...partners moved out...at first my attraction to her was merely physical...but the more we had contact the more feelings I started to have for her....then she decided to break-up our relationship because of her religious background....we decided to just stay "friends"....Once again I started over...joined a dating club online...met a few people....I met this one girl (D)...our relationship started to get serious to a point where we now are busy buying a new home...but I've done something really really bad....while we had this relationship, myself and the other woman started picking up on our relationship...yes..I know...I feel really bad about this...it's as if I was unsure both of them the whole time along....I have had this secret life for almost 6 months now...having a relationship with both of them...(D) lives nearby and I've spend most of my time with her..she loves me so much...and would die for me...she looks after me like my own wife couldn't....she's fun, adventurous, has a good job...2 little daughters who I became fond off...and they of me....but the problem is...I don't feel romantically in love towards her...she's more like a good frir end to me....the other woman (C)...stays far awaym...and we only spend time together a occassionaly....I feel romantically towards this woman...but there's a condition from her side if we want to be together...she has this religion to which she belong (JW)...my wife is in this religion as well....and (C) wants me to get baptized in her religion before we can be together...she also really loves me and she really wants me.....this thought is not inspiring to me...as (D) has no conditions for us to be together...she wants me for who I am...but I don't love her....I have been pondering over this for a few months now...and as soon as I think I have made up my mind....I'm indecisive again....sigh...Maybe I should just walk away from both? I know that sound like this heartless man...but I'm not....I just don't know what to do...because I can see a future with either of them....I'm the kind of man that commit with everything I have IF I committ.....If I can get some help from a few wise people out there...I would highly appreciate it....Thank you so much....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Hi, I agree that you have received very good advice, from the other Aunts. Love can grow, and sometimes it's better to be very good friends and let the love find you. My one point of advice would be this, if you are sure you want both these women for whatever reason, then do this, decide which of the two women, if you could not have her, would make you the most unhappy. if you would never ever see her again, which one would devastate you by being out of your life. If you can answer that question then maybe you will have made the decision as to who you want to be with. Be honest with yourself. Take care and good luck.
Stay in touch.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): you have already got some good advice, and i would agree that time alone is the only way you are going to work this out for yourself.
please think long and hard about the lady who you are not in love with, planing on buying a house with and her 2 children - god knows it's hard being in a relationship but it's the love that gets us through the hard times. If you are not in love i can only see this as being an issue at some stage in the future.
is the lady you see alot of your 'safety net'.....if so this is not fair on her or her children.
best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Vow, it sounds as if your love life is in a mess.
BUT
I am not judging you; I want to try and help you;
When you have found the right partner as your companion; life’s journey, (though always challenging), will become happy;
I believe with the right partner will you experience not to "fall in love" but to "ascend" in love.
So yes, choose your companion with great care.
It is very important to choose the right partner; unfortunately love is not enough; a relationship also needs COMPATIBILITY and COMMITMENT.
ALSO REMEMBER: It takes a few minutes to experience infatuation, but true love takes time.
Falling in love is easy, but creating and building a healthy relationship is hard work.
To have an emotional connection with a partner based on friendship, trust, openness, safety, consistency an true caring can feel too peaceful to be love; but be careful not to confuse (sexual chemistry)lust with love;
I SUGGEST: It is important that you TAKE STOCK of what you would like in a partner; what you really need in a partner ;( it is a myth that the perfect partner will fulfill you completely and in every way). The right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them;
Finding a partner that you are COMPATIBLE with and who you LOVE is the formula for a healthy and lasting relationship.
Sexual chemistry needs to exist between you and your partner to distinguish it from a friendship; but sexual chemistry will fluctuate; it can grow as you become closer; it can diminish as you build emotional walls between you; it can even be lost and reignited.
We all have different "categories" of energies/vibrations in us:
Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual; when you find yourself attracted to someone, the two of you are probably vibrating similarly in one or more area; but that does not mean that you are compatible partners;
Physical attraction is just one of the components; you need the others too; however if you are in a relationship without physical attraction, you are setting yourself up for eventually cheating on that person; if you have no sexual attraction to you partner it will be unlikely to develop it later; if you have lost the spark it can be reignited.
MOST IMPORTANT: You need to establish if you are ready to be in a relationship; are you ready for love? The relationship might not feel right because of your own problems, not because you and your partner/s are not compatible.
You have to pay attention to spiritual compatibility as well; many marriages have ended in the divorce courts because of that.
Here are a few compatibility issues that can be fatal: large age difference, different religious backgrounds, different social and ethnic backgrounds, in laws, ex-spouse; stepchildren.
A few questions to help you determine if you are ready to be in a relationship:
Are you:
Still in love with an ex partner
Still carrying resentment/ anger towards an ex partner
Feel spiritually or emotionally empty inside
Dislike yourself
Feel you don’t have mush to offer a partner
Dealing with any addictions
Feel lonely and miserable without a relationship
Feel nobody wants to be in a relationship with you
Find it difficult to feel emotions
Unwilling to talk about your feelings
If you answered YES to any of the above, you might not be emotionally ready to commit to relationship.
If you answered yes to some of these questions and you are in a relationship, it is suggested that you may need time away from your partner or (in your case partners) to FIND YOURSELF or heal whatever is preventing you from being totally available.
You are not being fair to the ladies you are involved with or with yourself;
I do suggest you need to take TIME OUT; away from both ladies;
Explain to them that you need some time on your own to do some soul searching and introspection;
Make an assessment of your own feelings; do a compatibility list.
Only then will you be able to decide if any one of these two,or which one of the two, is the partner that you want to be committed too: or not;
Keep us posted.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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A
female
reader, Happivibes  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 well, what you need is some time alone to try to work out what you really feel for each person. you have been through so much its no wonder you are confused! we all need to be connected to someone, but to be with the wrong person is disasterous as you have sadly found out. at first being alone will be tough, but you will after a couple of weeks have a good idea of where your heart lies. to be fair to everyone you need to do this then make a decision, a clear commitment to one life and walk forward with confidence.
remember, you are not a bad person but confused by too many things. i wish you well and send you happy vibes to help you on your way.
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