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female
age
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anonymous
writes: How can you resolve long standing, extended family based conflicts in a marriage?Me and my husband married more than 25 years ago, and we still have the same conflicts, about his family , what we used to have at the beginning.Very ''classic'', his family hated me from the start ,because they felt i took their son away from them. They never loved me or respected me, also they were pretty rude to our children too. But the problem is ,that my husband never stood up for me, because he does not want conflict with his parents. Today it is a big problem for me as our kids didn't turn out how we wanted, they have lots of different problems and they sort of blame it on me, without knowing any real facts. And also instead of support, they hate me and,they hate their grand children even more. They are ashamed of them. I can;t take this anymore. I want my husband to resolve this with them, but he says, just stay away from them, dont care about them and dont worry what they think. But he stays very friendly with them. I think, it's wrong. Because he let's them get away with this abusive behavior.Also we don't live close , so I don't have to see them around, I feel very abused by their behavior. I want him to deal with it. But ,I don't want this to destroy our marriage, because its bad, but not bad enough to quit. What do you think? Thanks for reading it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, MamaBear  +, writes (18 April 2011):
There is no mention of your parents, the other set of grandparents for you children. Are they in the picture? If so, concentrate on them and forgot about your in-laws. You will not change them. Obviously, they know how to make you unhappy. Pretend that they are dead! This is your husband's family and it looks like he ha cannot make a dent in their dislike of you and now the children. Too bad - and sad. But life can be tough. Move on in your world and be thankful you are not in the same town
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 You can't resolve this, because it isn't just you who is deciding what to do here.
No point confronting them, because you will make it worse and make your husband squirm with divided loyalties.
And no, it is no way anywhere near bad enough to spoil your marriage. OK, he is being weak (ish) and can't do anything other than honour his parents first, kind of, but you either let it go and keep him, or make a big fuss and either lose him or at least compromise the time you have with him.
You will not change them, and nor can your husband, so don't blame him - pity him. And get a lot closer to him ...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 April 2011):
 They are old. They spend their whole lives forming their opinions. They are not going to change. I can bet the earlier generation had it far worse. I heard stories of my grant uncle hitting his daughter with a chair and broke her nose, just because she lost her virginity before marriage. And what did she do when he becomes old and dependent? She gives and gives her money to support him, spends time with him every weekend. Thing is they don't look at this as abusive. They call it discipline and making sure the off springs are doing things correctly. They would think, who are you, as a younger generation, to tell me what is right or wrong?
The last your husband can do is comfort you and reassure you he is on your side no matter what. Perhaps he thinks it's in your best interest to keep things cool rather than stir up more hate by confronting them. By being friendly to them, he's making his life easier. He grew up with them so he knows things are out of his control, and it's futile to reason with them.
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