A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I just had our first child. She is beautiful, and I couldn't be more happy. When the sleep deprivation gets too intense, and all the work gets to be too much, my wife tends to snap. So many times, if I don't agree with her opinion about how to handle a particular situation with our daughter, it's interpreted as a personal attack. For example, the other night our daughter was being fussy very early in the morning. I put her on my chest to sleep skin to skin, and my wife got very angry. She claimed I didn't respect her opinions, and did whatever I want with her, and that she's too little to sleep on her tummy with me. But she doesn't remember that our Pediatrician said it was OK to have her sleep tummy to tummy with me for short periods (less than an hour), and acted like I just made it up. She said, "I need you to actually support me!" as if I don't support her and our daughter.I am constantly making her breakfast, lunch and dinner, changing diapers, asking her if she needs me to get her anything... and I love it@ I love being a Dad. On top of this, I am going to graduate school in engineering.How can I tell her that I feel like my opinion is second class, and that I'm not trusted to be a good Dad the way I trust her to be a good Mom, without her feeling attacked? Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): tell her straight out that you feel like she's treating you like a second class citizen. So what if it makes her feel 'personally attacked', it's the truth isn't it!!contrary to what other people are saying, I don't think you should just accept her poor treatment of you just cos you have a new baby. since when is being tired and stressed a free license to blow up at your spouse all the time (unless you really are being a bad husband and ignoring her doing your own thing with the baby). she needs to communicate to you what you're doing wrong, not just blow up at you. She needs to tell you ahead of time what her "rules" are, not just leave you to figure it out on your own by not saying anything then getting angry at whatever you do and accusing you of not supporting her.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 My friend, be patient and let her be . It's like you are tryng to be sensible and open to dialogue ...with a tiger with a toothache. She does not want to be considerate of your feelings, she CAN'T ! Her hormones are still out of whack, making her irritable and touchy, and sleep deprivation is simply - torture. It affects some parents more, some less, I know that it was driving me nuts, and I am normally a laid back and even tempered type.
Plus, don't go so much by the book, The Pediatrician says... the Pediatrician, with all due respect for the medical profession, does not really know squat about your OWN baby and her mother. They have general guidelines , with so many exceptions and variations that they are not even guidelines anymore.
Every child is a world in itself , and luckily, there IS something like an inborn,
preconscious female body wisdom which helps the most unexperienced of mothers to do what's best for her child.
And for herself.
Like this skin to skin contact. Oh yes, very nice, very new agey. What if the baby digs it and gets hooked on it ? They don't have the notion of time, as newborns. She is not gonna say : Oh wait, for today I already had my 45 minutes of tummy to tummy, I'd better not ask for more. Chances are she'll get used to this modality for sleep and comfort,... and she'll be wailing her head off any odd time, including the ( I guess remarkable ) quantity of time that you spend at work and at school. Baby comes first, Ok, but have mercy for that poor new mom too !
Besides, as another poster pointed out, it's DANGEROUS. You would not be the first parent to fall asleep and let the baby slid off your chest...and you might roll over in your sleep and crush her ! ( yes, frankly this is the strangest pediatrician's advice I have ever heard of, and I have heard many ).
This is just an example, my point is- I understand your frustration, and I commend your desire to participate actively in bringing up baby, that's great - but, perhaps, it's better if you accept that , for about the first 6 months, your wife is the main character in the show, and you have a supporting role. You can still win an Oscar as the Best Supporting Male Actor :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): If you went to sleep with baby on your chest your wife was right to be concerned. She didnt know you were sleeping with baby in bed with you both. If the child had slid off your chest, your wife might have rolled on top of her. You could have turned in your sleep and rolled on top of her yourself. Im not sure why your doctor told you it would be ok to sleep like that but he is wrong so dont listen to him! You and your wife are both very tired at the moment and its NOT a good idea to sleep with a small baby in bed with you.
Accidents happen and with one so small it could be fatal. The best way to avoid your wife becoming over tired or stressed is to listen to her and follow her advice. That way she will feel she is 'training' you in her ways and be more relaxed about leaving you in charge. At the moment it sounds as if you are both trying to be 'right' but im afraid its one of those situations where you have to concede that she has more knowledge about baby care than you do and follow her lead. Once she knows you follow her methods she will be able to relax and find it easier to rest.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 April 2011):
How about picking a time when she's not tired or irritable, and then ask her? Don't wait until another incident is happening because you won't get a productive discussion out of that.
maybe arrange for a babysitter to watch the baby so you two can spend some time alone and have a talk then.
You should talk calmly and without an accusing tone. Plan out in advance what you're going to say. Some ways to avoid putting the other person on the defensive is to avoid saying things like "you NEVER do this" or "you ALWAYS do that". Those words NEVER and ALWAYS tend to make people defensive because there probably are times when it's not the case yet it sounds like you're discounting them. Instead, say "you frequently/often do this."
Other ways to avoid putting other people on the defensive is to not tell them how they are thinking or feeling but instead describe how it appears they are thinking or feeling. there is a difference. E.g. if you say "you don't respect my feelings", this can put people on the defensive because their subconscious reaction is "oh yeah, how do you know how I feel? You can read my mind? you think you are God? don't be telling me how I feel!"
instead, say something like, "when you do this or that, it makes me feel as if you don't respect my feelings"
so here you take the focus away from her and sounding accusing of her, and focusing it on you.
So it would be really bad if you said "you NEVER respect my feelings" and that would probably put her on the defensive right away and then you won't get any productive discussion.
so you can say something like, "you seem to be angry at me often, why?" or "you often react in an angry way when I'm trying to do something, why?"
it would help to plan in advance how to phrase questions to her so you don't inadvertently put her on the defensive.
And then, even if she gets angry during your discussion, resist the urge to get defensive, try to stay calm and talk softly. If you find yourself getting too upset to stay calm, then excuse yourself from the room, say you'd like to end the discussion for now until you can both calm down.
but if no amount of careful phrasing of words will make her not feel personally attacked, and you can honestly say that you are staying calm and not being accusatory to her, then maybe she has some deeper personal issues with being unable to handle conflict, or is harboring some resentments towards you that go beyond the issue of childcare.
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