A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a co-worker for the last few months and things were going really well. She was supposed to have moved in with me last week and we'd booked appointments to look at local schools for her children. Instead we had a massive row about not very much and she ended things. I've tried to talk to her since and she doesn't want to know. While we were together I'd checked her phone (initially with her permission/at her suggestion) and found loads of pic/vids and txts from a couple of exes. We had a huge row about it but she deleted all the stuff and as they were fairly old files I believed her when she said she no longer had any contact with these men. After that I kept an eye on her phone and would occaisionally find that she was txting her two exes (in some cases quite sexual stuff). We had another row about it and she promised not to have any further contact and I promised not to check her phone again. Neither of us kept our word.I realise now that she's not the one for me but I can't help the fact that I'm deeply in love with her. I know she's bad news and will only hurt me if we try again. How do I get over my feelings towards her? Is it just the case that I want what I can't have? I know if we were together I would keep an eye on her and that without trust there can't be a relationship. Please help.
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male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (20 April 2011):
 Well, I think this shows how there is a big difference between intellectually accepting something and emotionally accepting something. Often, the head will take the lead I think and the heart takes its time to follow. I know it sounds clichéd but I dont think there is anything you can force yourself to 'stop' loving this person at this stage.
I'm not sure its wanting what you cant have really, it more seems like a case to me of wanting what you know is bad for you. This isnt an uncommon thing and sometimes is the product of low self-esteem or an issue completely separate from the actual context of the relationship which is as yet unresolved. For some people its simply a part of their make up, dont think thats the case with you.
The more you try and force yourself to 'stop' loving this person the more your going to be bringing her into your mind and therefore the further away you will be from moving on. Soooo the only advice I can really give is to get on with your life as you normally would. Try and occupy your mind with interesting activities and dont dwell (all much easier said than done, I know) and give yourself time to heal. Good luck.
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