A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello EveryoneI am feeling so awkward about losing my virginity. I am no teenager or anything but I a come from a very old fashioned family that has instilled in me, the idea that a woman who isn't a virgin is worth less than a woman who keeps herself until marriage.I lost my virginity to my 4-year boyfriend who I really care about. I am close to my 30's and it was my choice to do so. The whole thing was not very pleasurable as I thought it would be. I was not really nervous but my guy was (since it was his first time too) and we did not get to climax.It has been a week or so since this happened and I have been feeling nothing but guilt ever since. I also feel that maybe now that we have done this, he will lose interest in me and that nobody will want me now that I am not a virgin anymore.A couple days after this happened, me and my boyfriend went to this church while we were visiting this city on vacation and he suggested that we should confess our sins to the priest (since we are both catholic and we wanted to receive the communion together) and when it was my turn, I told the priest about my intimate experience with my boyfriend since it is considered a sin according to the church and he was so harsh on me. He literally called me a "worn out shoe" and he said that nobody would want a woman that has been already taken by another man and has become impure. He nagged me so much about this and this whole thing just made me feel like the worst garbage ever.I did not anticipate feeling this way. I am sorry for writing too much but this has been bothering me so much.I would appreciate any comments or advice on this since I do not seem to find any relief or comfort from anybody.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2021): That priest was way out of line. You should write a letter to his superior. 50 years ago my then girlfriend and I would do it like bunnies. We were 18 and 19 and Catholic. She insisted we go to confession every 2 weeks and confess (then do it again an hour later) . She had a little notebook and would write the date and how many times we did it. Some days it was 4. Confession went like this: Missed my prayers 4 times, angry 3 times, premarital sex 33 times. She'd be right before me confessing the same -- always to the same priest. After a couple months he told me to forget the sex confession. If you lover her it's not a sin, but be ready marry her you get her pregnant. He told her the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2021): Look at what is going on in the world.Do not feel guilty at all....bask In your love and enjoy it.God is love remember that.I would suggest though going to the doctor and no matter what your religion says get some reliable form of birth control.Get educated about std and common infections.Also get your guardasil shot so you do not get hpv and cervical cancer.Listen to your doctor and take charge of your sexual health.Enjoy your love....Do not let a priest you do not even know tell you what to do.Hopefully your boyfriend trusts in his love for you more than the opinion of a stranger.The Catholic church is so funny to judge you with all those sex scandals going on.They could also end poverty with their trillions in treasures.Even Jesus fed the poor people.Jesus does not judge he just loves you.I trust in Jesus more than I could ever trust the church.Enjoy your youth and make wild passionate love because youth is gone sooner than you think.Live.Live well that what Jesus wants.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (28 July 2021):
 Wow, you found a proper charmer in the confessional. For a religion which preaches compassion and forgiveness, that priest has a serious chip on his shoulder. I wonder if he was as harsh on your boyfriend, who was equally as "guilt"? Did you ask him? I would be very surprised if he gave him as hard a time as he gave you.
Although raised Roman Catholic, I am not at all religious now as I see religion as just another cynical way of controlling people. However, if you believe in God, then you know it is God who forgives, not some random bitter priest. You know that, if you are truly sorry (beats me why you would be, but this is your issue, not mine), God will forgive you. Make your peace with your God, not with a nasty piece of work who has no right to be masquerading as a man of God.
Sex is seldom great first time, especially if it is the first time for both of you. The guilt you probably both felt will certainly not have helped. I hope you and your boyfriend can grow closer through this experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2021): If you intend this man to be your husband then you shouldn't be feeling as guilty as you say. These things happen - nobody is perfect. Yes it would be nice to remain Virginal until your wedding night, but temptation does have a habit of getting in the way. A priest is there to offer you forgiveness and believe me - I'm sure he's heard a lot worse in the Confessional box!!
Just put it down to life experience. No Catholic is expected to lead the perfect life until the day we die - all we can do is try our best!
Good luck for the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2021): I think the priest is trying to prevent you having children out of wedlock and is doing his best to put you off the idea.
I wouldn't call it lust either if you waited four years.
If you went to a family planning clinic they would be surprised that you waited so long and that you felt guilty afterwards.
They are in the habit of seeing teenagers seeking advice and teenagers often get pregnant whilst experimenting with sex.
It was the boyfriends idea to see a priest to confess all.
What did the boyfriend or you expect the priest to say?
Catholic priests are expected to take a vow of celibacy.
How a woman feels is never going to be part of their curriculum.
Technically you could have done it all differently.
You and the boyfriend could have gone to the church hand in hand asking the priest to 'bless you as a couple'!
This would have been quite simple for the priest and would have ended in friendly smiles all round.
A lot of life's interactions depend on how you present yourselves.
In your case you both felt guilty and the priests words were required to take away that guilt.
In this case he made you feel valueless and used.
Personally I think the boyfriend may be a bit two faced.
He wanted sex and then he wanted you to feel guilty and to be told off!
Maybe he is the sort to see you as a fallen woman.
On the basis of that I'm not convinced that you are going to be a good couple.
He might be one of those guys who wants you to take the blame for everything.
So think about how he treats you and how he presents you.
Remember that kindness costs nothing and is one of life's previous gifts and be kind to yourself!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 July 2021):
 Oh, honey,
MOST women have had more than one partner, it doesn't make you a "worn-out shoe".
And trust me, SOMEONE will want you. A priest who is supposed to be celibate has no REAL concept of having a relationship. He can not compare it to "being married to the church". He is speaking archaic toxic nonsense.
I get that you (with your religious background and upbringing) feel you sinned. And you did. But... you sinned with the man you plan to marry, right?
This is between YOU and your Partner now. You two need to talk.
As for the sex not being great the first time, well - go figure OP. It rarely is. Mostly because people are nervous and inexperienced. NEITHER of you has done this before. Think about it. IF you had never ridden a bike and someone handed you a bike right now and said OK go ride the bike, DO you think you could do it no problem? Or if you couldn't swim and get tossed in a lake?
I get the guilt. Lust is a strong emotion. And if you two lasted 4 years before giving in to this, I think that is commendable.
What you have to examine is HOW do the two of you move forward?
With regards to your partner. Will he now lose interest in you? I don't think so. And if the two of you can talk about this (privately) - I think that would be good.
Have YOU lost interest in him (after this deed?) If not, why would he?
This doesn't make you a bad person. Or weak. Or an old shoe. It makes you human. It makes him human.
Accept that you two GROWN ADULTS took this step, made this choice, and now you have to live with it.
SO many people are born outside marriage. Or before marriage. Many people have multiple partners before finding the one they want to grow old with.
Stop beating yourself up for being human. Your priest sucks and isn't doing his job - which should have been counseling you and facilitate forgiveness.
TALK to your partner - forgive and love each other. Move forward and let go of this.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2021): I'm sorry that the people around you have made you feel that way. Your virginity is yours to keep or lose as you please. Sex is not wrong. You did it with a long term boyfriend not a one night stand. You are entitled to enjoy sex as much as any man. You are not going to be punished. And the vast majority of people are not going to care one tiny bit that you lost your virginity. You are not a "worn out shoe" and it makes me so angry to hear that a priest would say that to you. I bet he wouldnt say it to your boyfriend. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. P.s. if you are having sex and dont want a baby or std make sure you are using contraception. Dont let them tell you that is wrong as well! It's your body and your choice, not theirs.
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