A
female
age
26-29,
*eresBoo
writes:My boyfriend of 8 months is worrying me. He has never had a girlfriend before me for more than a month.When we started the relationship, we were living together, alone, and I was working. I didn't know at the time but he had cheated on his previous GF the first couple times we had hooked up, and he has cheated before on her, so I know it not off the map.Now recently he has had a friend.. Lets call her... Plain Jane. Now Plain Jane is 17 and we are both 18 but Jane is good friends with my boyfriends mother, after meeting her at a party. She is meant to be house sitting, but has decided to spend the time living with them, which drives me nuts.He has lied to me once or twice and said he needs to get back to work (while on the phone) then messaged her for another ten minutes, and also once told me not to come over cause he would be boring and then invited her to go out and play basketball. She is extremely annoying and thinks it is appropriate to message him saying "my jacket smells like you" (which, in my opinion, is pretty creepy unless you like the guy) and also thinks is appropriate to feed him shots in front of me and be alone in his room with him with the door closed. While drunk she said to me "you better stop humping him cause I'm gonna hump your boyfriend!!" He thinks this is all hilarious, and thinks I am being ridiculous and blows me off but insists he isn't cheating. I asked him while he was sleeping as well (he sleep talks and can't lie) and he said he wasn't, but even if he is not, the relationship has made me furious, upset, alone and EXTREMELY uncomfortable! I have spoken to both of them but feel they think I'm being ridiculous and neither will listen.What can I do to try and simmer down their relationship?? Do you think is cheating?? I need some advice! Help!
View related questions:
drunk, never had a girlfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Thank you for the update(s). I am glad for you, this is actually even better news than you probably think. If your bf took the step to involve his mother and have her sort of use her authority about the issue, it means that you really got through to him, that he took seriously your concerns, that he realized he was not acting fair toward you, and that he is willing to work WITH you any time there's a problem. I am also glad for PJ that does not risk having her face scratched one of these days :).. All's well that ends well.
A
female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (14 May 2013):
HeresBoo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just a further update, after many more talks he has spoken to his mother who has in turn asked PJ to stay at the house less often. Thank you for all your help :)
...............................
A
female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (19 April 2013):
HeresBoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so so much! It's has really helped me to gather myself to talk to him properly without letting emotions and accusations run wild. Unfortunately plans changed and I'm with him now and will be talking to him shortly. Plain Jane and I are still unfortunately going to have to live with each other, that being literally as well as I am moving back in half time due to issues at home and we both feel the awkwardness but she is putting in an effort to work on our relationship already, inviting me to come driving with her on errands etc,Thank you so so much, I can't say it enough, this has been so helpful :)
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 April 2013):
Talking to him at his dad's house ,or somewhere where you you can be alone and will not be interrupted by Plain Jane :), is a very good idea.
Btw, I'd deal my issue directly with the bf, leave the girl out of it. She is not your friend or relative, she has no obligation of loyalty or affection toward you . I am not surprised she was unapologetic, if she is innocent she may have felt offended , if she is out to snatch your bf,.... hey you are a rival, they say all is fair in love and war.
It is also good that you have decided to trust your bf, and , mind you, obviously I have no idea to know if he deserves this trust 100%, but that's not the point . The point is that you just CAN'T carry on a relationship among constant suspicions, interrogations, accusations, so at some point either you decide that most likely he is NOT a cheater and stop tormenting him, or you decide that most likely he is a cheater and dump him. Anything in between only creates distance, not clarity.
Therefore , yes, I agree , separate the jealousy issue from the boundaries issue. One can be physically faithful, and still do things that overstep certain limits and boundaries, which then need to be clearly indicated and reinforced ( hopefully, in mutual agreement ).
So, start from here when you talk to him. Tell him that you realize that perhaps you may have come off as nagging and dramatic with your jealousy, and that you realize it's more your own trust issue , due to your past, than a reflection of what he does , and that you are working on it ( your jealousy ) , and you have DECIDED to trust him on principle.
Accentuate the positive, tell him how happy he is making you, how much your relationship means to you, what great times you have, and could be having even more together. Yes, even more, because there is a fly in the ointment, you feel you have a bit lost the close loving bond you had when you where living together. You want that bond back, and to retrieve it you need to be sure that your feelings about certain things can be aired out, and are LISTENED to and taken into account. If he says "Ok, shoot " or at least " uh ? " :) bring up what bothers you : that boundaries are being often crossed , and behaviours are enabled which to you are inappropriate and disrespectful. So, maybe you need to review and agree upon boundaries together, as a couple, - same as you never go out with another guy without telling him first, so you expect from him that he will do, or not do, X, Y and Z. Same as you always show him the utmost respect by doing this and that, you want to be show respect by him doing etc. etc. Be precise, be specific, -
STATE what you want, don't whine, don't complain, don't accuse.
This is not a trick or a strategy, it's how things should work in mature r/ships : first you DECIDE what you need in a relationship to be happy , what it's absolutely essential and what it's not, what you can live with and what you can't ever stomach, then you say it clearly , if and when it needs to be said. If the requests/objections are in the realm of reasonable , and if the other person CARES to keep the relationship with you, he/she should not have any problem in adjusting, compromising, meeting you halfway.
Not that it always works :), as I said in my previous post , but it's worth a try.
At least you can stop bristling withy frustration and developing an ulcer stomach over Plain Jane. If you manage to keep out paranoisa and drama from your conversation, really , there is
no reason why he should not see how what he does is inappropriate, or at least, how you CAN reasonably see it as inappropriate. If he refuses and hangs on tight to his " freedom " and his antics with the girl... uhm, then obviously the girl takes priority over his relationship and you can draw your consclusions from there.
...............................
A
female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (17 April 2013):
HeresBoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for this answer. This is actually helpful. This is exactly what I was hoping people would say rather than just to break it off with him so thank you very much. You've raised a lot of valid points.I think, firstly, I may have come across wrongly. I don't mean he will stray because he is young, but because his previous relationships have all been based off sex and have been short term whereas ours is based off of years of prior friendship and so while I am more experienced on how to treat a partner I fear (also having his parents split up due to cheating) he is learning as he goes. As for it being an issue with jealousy and not Plain Jane.. I think I am definitely a jealous person but I am also very logical and think things through from every aspect I can before I bring something up like this so I generally can control my jealousy. He has had friends that are girls before and still does, but my issue with her is she knows me and chooses to disrespect me and my position as his girlfriend deliberately. She crosses boundaries and she knows it and when I brought it up she was unapologetic.In terms of his position I think he is still caught up with me thinking they're cheating when in reality I think I'm more concerned with his disrespectful behaviour towards me, especially seeing as I treat him like a king in terms of respect. I always ask his permission before hanging out with a guy he doesn't know very well and respect his choice. So he may immediately go on the defence before he has listened to what I'm saying. Which brings me to the issue of me asking questions and not believing the answers. I think I have definitely chosen to trust him that he hasn't cheated but I am still cautious that they look like teenagers with crushes and can act like it even when they don't realise. I think that may be the hardest thing to communicate to him; that I trust him but it still makes me uncomfortable. It's not so much an issue of trust as I have asked him point blank and while sleeping but an issue of appropriateness on her part, him enabling her and then refusing to talk about it properly with me without getting defensive and angry.Would you agree? Tell me your thoughts. And also, what kind of conversational techniques would you suggest for talking to him about it? Do you have any tricks that you would/do use? I plan on staying at his dads house with him tomorrow (if possible) or going for a walk so we can be alone and calmly talking about these issues in full so we can move forward in our relationship and reclaim the close bond we had when we were living together.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 April 2013):
1)OP, unluckily, at least that I know, there is no foolproof method , short of physical violence, to make other people do what you like, or stop doing what you don't like. All you can do is to explain clearly what you don't like and why you don't like it, and hope that the other party takes you seriously and is willing to change the offending behaviour. From this point of view, you are absolutely correct , " talk to him " can only work as long as the other party is willing to listen and to put himself in your shoes, and CARES enough to make the necessary changes.
Apparently, you have already talked to both of them to no avail, and IMO that means one of two things : a) ) you are actually blowing out of proportion something that , for these two, is sincerely innocent and legit . They think you are throwing tantrums over nothing ,so they won't budge
b ) your bf does not care about how you feel, does not care if this makes you sad, or mad, or what not. He sees this as YOUR problem, not your couple's problem, and has taken a like it or lump it attitude.
Obviously I cannot know which it's more probable, but you do , you know him, and yourself , better .
2) You say that your " methods " did not work and your words did not sink in. If you have been clear, direct and detailed as you are in your post, ( and you haven't , maybe ,just hinted or sulked or been passive aggressive ), again, there's no way that your bf has not got it or it did not sink in. Simply, for whatever reason, he is choosing to ignore your discomfort. Still, I think it's never too late to set boundaries, maybe you just need to sit him down and tell him : Even if you are not cheating, nevertheless I find your behaviour inappropriate, and your relationship with this girl makes me feel furious, upset , alone and EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I can't have a relationship were I have to feel furious , upset, etc.etc. , and where my feelings aren't taken into due consideration. So, what are you willing to do about it ?.
Careful, though. Since, once again and pardon the repetition, you can't change people, but only the way you relate to them and react to them, for all I know it may backfire. He may decide that he wants to do what he wants to do,screw everybody, and that, if you don't like it, you can leave.
Anyway it would be an interesting experiment. If your relationship IS already as happy , solid and committed as you want it to be,
he should have no problem in , say, renegotiating the boundaries in your relationship ( no excessive flirting, no spending time one on one with girls behind closed doors, etc. ). If it's not as solid etc.... that's an info that anyway you need to get sooner than later , considering you have long terms plans on this guy.
3 ) with all this, I feel that Plain Jane is not really the issue. I mean, she could leave tomorrow for another country... but your issue would still remain. Trust. If you don't trust him , if you CAN'T trust him , if you two can't build trust somehow, you'll find impossible to be with this guy, you'll just transfer your suspicions from Plain Jane to... Ugly Betty.
Think about it : you asked him if he is cheating, both asleep and awake, he said NO. So why don't you believe him ? He said " no " didn't he ? ... If you are not willing, or able, to take his answers as the truth, why even bothering asking questions in the first place ?
You say that you are afraid he can stray because he's young, but there's really no more compelling reason or age or stage for cheating.
People will say they strayed because they were young or old or stressed or lonely or drunk or ... fill the blank.
In fact, people just stray if they WANT to stray and if they don't feel committed enough, if they don't want to stray and are really committed, they'll resist temptations much more enticing than a nondescript Plain Jane.
...............................
A
female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (17 April 2013):
HeresBoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do understand what you mean but I also believe that just because I am young does not mean our relationship should be disregarded. I am already extremely selective of who I date and he and I do make each other extremely happy, otherwise I wouldn't bother trying to fix things between us.It is entirely normal for people to marry young or have very serious relationships at my age. My sister in law is 19. I understand I don't have to follow suit but I would like to find someone earlier rather than younger. I am a strong believer in holding onto something good while you have it.I am not 'pulling teeth' just young and learning how to deal with an uncomfortable friendship. I have never had a partner cheat on me and am staying cautious of the warning signs. My partner does love me and shower me with affection, but as this is his first real relationship I fear he may stray. As for your asking me what I wanted from the aunts. I want exactly what I asked, and I don't appreciate you mocking me by suggesting a 'magic wand' I asked how to simmer down their relationship, indicating my techniques weren't effective as neither of them respond to the way I've gone about it so far.Despite what people think on this site, 'talk to him about it' isn't helpful advice. Obviously I have before and if you think I should again then I would appreciate guidance on what I should say that might hit home, as, again, what I've said hasn't sunk in.Thank you for your message and feedback.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 April 2013):
Dear OP, you can do what you want, of course, but " jump to dump " often is not the superficial ,banal approach that you think it is. Often it is , in fact, if not the only, the smartest solution , and I'll try to show you why.
I would not call it " jump to dump ", I'd call it learning to be selective, discriminating and assertive. A relationship is supposed to make you feel good, not bad. It is supposed to bring out the best in both partners, not the worst. When it does not, obviously there are problems, and in theory any problem can be fixed, ...but we have to see if the effort is worth the result. In other words, not all relationships can or need to be salvaged, most, PARTICULARLY AT YOUR AGE, aren't worth the blood sweat and tears required to make them go on.
Why ? because , when you get older, splitting is objectively more painful, difficult and imprudent. There may be marriages, families, children involved . There may be joint property and assets, as well as a long common past and shared history, habits, traditions, friends.
Plus, expectations change, not that you can't find a compatible mate even very,very late in life, ..but by then you have learned to keep your expectations very realistic and to accept that your dating pool has, objectively, shrunk quite a bit.
At your age, 18-21 , the possibilities are endless,the baggage minimal or absent, the future awaits you, and the dating pool is huge. Why wasting time on fixer-uppers when behind the next corner there may be someone who can give you exactly what you want . Why struggling and pulling teeth , to get the minimum ( affection, respect, romance, etc.etc- whatever it is that you want ) from a reluctant partner, when , for all you know, you can have the maximum, easily, from 100 other sources ?
In this light, you'll see how many of us DearCupiders think it's a pointless waste of time to push and prod some teen romance that does not want to work. You don't have to agree , and you probably can't when you are in love / infatuated , but I hope that you can see how the " jump and dump " approach does make a lot of sense in certain conditions.
Back to your case. What did you expect from the DearCupiders to suggest, OP ? A magic wand ? ... This is basically a trust issue. With no trust there is no relation possible. Either you trust him , or you don't.
You obviously don't ( not that I blame you, because with your bf's very bad track record I would not trust him either ).
You TOLD him already that his flirting is bothering you and hurting you, didn't you ?. And he said that you are being ridicolous and imagining things.
So, it's not that he does not "understand "that you don't like what's going on , if he is not totally stupid he got it. It's just that he does not see things your way, and he is not willing to consider a problem what for him is not, - or to make any changes in order to appease you or reassure you.
So, really, what choices do you have ? You can' t MAKE him change, you can't MAKE him stop if he does not want to.
Therefore, either you decide you trust him, that there's really nothing going on and this is just his personality and his way to be social and friendly with a family's friend , and you learn to keep in check your jealousy and your ego, and to accept serenely that he'll always be flirty not only with you but occasionally also with this girl, or others.
Or, you decide you can't trust him, and that he is bullshitting you and having fun behind your back, and...
then what you want to do is up to you, but the " jump and dump " comes to mind.
Makes sense ?
...............................
A
female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (17 April 2013):
HeresBoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd furthermore, I don't believe I asked if I should break up with him, I was looking for solutions on how to get the two of them to realise they're flirting is hurting me. I find that a lot of people on this site jump to dump and that's not what ill do. I value our relationship together and I won't quit at the first hurdle, that's not going to get me through life.
I greatly appreciate the time you have taken to answer my questions, though, so thank you.
...............................
A
female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (17 April 2013):
HeresBoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, it's not that I'm naive, it's actually because I'm trying to be mature about this that we are still together. I think it's naive and silly to end a valuable relationship over assumptions.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): There is under-aged drinking. Mean-spirited texting going back and forth between teenagers; whom in my opinion, you are all behaving very juvenile. There is nothing serious going here. He doesn't even act like he likes you.The girl is obviously a guest in his house, and there is nothing you can do about it. He probably messes around with her, and she doesn't like you. There is nothing you can do about that either.If you don't like her, and he is obviously a jerk; find somebody else to hang out with. Dump the jerk. End of story.
...............................
|
