A
female
age
41-50,
*onelyBS
writes:I fell in love for the first time at age 14. I relationship was good but he went away for the summer for and did not tell me. I felt abandoned and cheated on him. I told him this and he was very hurt. I decided to break up the relationship but now feel that was the wrong thing to do. It's been twenty years now and he came to visit me and I am still madly in love with him. I wrote him letters but he hasn't responded to him. How can I let him go?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 I am glad you decided to turn to counseling which is probably the best way to get help in your predicament.
I just would like to point out how it sounds you are not in love with the person ( how could you, he must be a very different person now than he was as a teenager , and it does not sound as even then you had time to know him thoroughly ) but with your subjective fantasies and ideas you have built around him ,out of a void you feel in your life. In other words- maybe you need something and you have decided he has got it ,in lack of confirming evidence.
For instance you say you loved him because he was sincere and caring, but you also say that he left for the summer without even telling you, so he acted neither sincere ( you can lie by omission ) nor caring . Also ignoring your letters ( if nothing else for telling you : stop writing me ! ) is not what a caring person would do.
You may need someone sincere and caring at your side ( who does not ) but , I doubt that would be him anyways.
A
female
reader, LonelyBS +, writes (25 January 2012):
LonelyBS is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy marriage of 8 years just ended two months ago. I'm not even devastated about the end of the marriage. I went to counseling about that and although it did not aid in making my decision she told me to get rid of him.
I will seek counseling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): WAS being the key word here. He may no longer be that. Either way, focus on your marriage and current life and reality and less and less in the dream world of the What If you still cling to.
Stop that process. You are now working on and focusing on letting go of the fantasy.
Seek counselling to aid you in this.
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A
female
reader, LonelyBS +, writes (24 January 2012):
LonelyBS is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he is just a memory. In my letters to him I mentioned we do not really know each other as adults and would like to know him now as a man. What I can take from it is the positive aspects of him. What qualities did I like about him? He was sincere, motivating, caring, and build on the qualities of what I want in a man and not settling for anything less which I use to do.
Thanks everyone. I didn't have anyone to express this to and I am glad I was able to find a place to pour out my feelings and not feel judged.
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A
female
reader, LonelyBS +, writes (24 January 2012):
LonelyBS is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, you advice is very helpful.
Over the last few days I've realized that I am and was obsessive about him and the break up. I thought of my love for him as being an addiction which I told him. I thought of it as being love sick with my heart aching and really understanding how love can cause physical heart ache. I stayed away from him for such a long time and thought I could handle it but my heart just aches.Love shouldn't cause so much pain. I just need time again to let go but it's so hard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): Oh I so feel for you. You never forget your first love. But you are believing now that you did the wrong thing, but it must have felt right back then. And that is important. Try not to agonize about the past. It is probably more a sign that you are not happy in the here and now. He hasn't responded to your letters so it seems he does not want to pursue a relationship now. You are probably being carried away by the emotions you felt as a girl. You need to consign your ex to the past - accept him as a memory - pain only lies ahead if you cling to a memory.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): You developed a habit of hanging unto the 'memory' of a young, tender age of your relationship being the 'perfect love'. So keeping it alive and feeding it everyday- its going to be a hard habit to kick.
14 years old and you cheated on him? You were a kid.
Really, he up and left without communication- I doubt he is kicking himself over the matter. That he hasn't responded speaks VOLUMES.
He does not reciprocate and he has a much healtheir perspective about it all.
I think counselling will better aid you with your obsessive tendancies and help develop a proper plan of how to kick this habit.
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