A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Just wanting a little perspective on a situation.My partner and I have been together for several years. She has gone back to school for the last three years and I have worked full time to support us. She is just finishing up with some exams and has had a stressful few weeks. I have cooked all the meals and done all of the chores and laundry during this time. I have helped as much as I can with her study as well. Almost every night for the last few weeks. This morning she asked me to proofread an assignment ( it was very long). I said I might not have time today but as she was going to be doing an exam this afternoon into the evening she had run out of time. She said she could do it tomorrow but then she would have to miss her classes farewell bbq. So I decided to do that for her while she was at the exam. We had made plans to have a nice dinner together once she was done with the exam and she was going to pick up take out for us on the way home because I was doing the proofreading. She then sends a message after the exam saying that everyone is going out for drinks and to just get my own dinner. I have stopped proofreading the assignment. I feel really annoyed at the moment. I think it is incredibly rude that she asked me to do something for her to help out and then goes out drinking instead and can’t even bring me dinner. She said she wouldn’t be long but has already been hours. I don’t mind if she goes out socialising. I just feel really taken for granted. She is supposed to be going to this all day bbq tomorrow as well with the same people she is out with now. I don’t know what to say to her. I am pretty annoyed right now and feel used but I know it won’t go down well if I say that to her. I haven’t messaged her anything rude or told her I am annoyed. How can I help her to see why I feel used and annoyed without her getting angry at me? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2020): Something nobody else has brought up. You say you are happy to help her to further her education/career by doing all of these things for her - chores, cooking etc (well they are your chores too) but supposing you and her do not see eye to eye and split up in a year or so? Or she gets fed up with being with a wimp and dumps you? How would you feel about how much you did for her now, how you made it easier or possible for her to get a great education and a good jobbefore she went off with another man?When people help their partner they do it partly to see a smile on their face, partly to avoid arguments with them but also for the benefits they will reap later. In this case if she gets help and she gets a good career you think she will get a good job and earn more and you will get the benefits of that. Great if it happens.But if she finds that you are not subservient enoughor too eager to help and no backbone who will reap the benefits in your place? Once she has gone through all of this and has sorted out her education will she want to be with you or is she only keen on you now, while you help with the chores and pay the bills?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2020): Whatever said should be calm and fact-to-face. Angry messages are cowardly, and what's said in print may not convey your thoughts or the meaning of your concerns accurately. You need to learn how to use tact, and become an effective negotiator. You can remain a nice-guy in the process.
Man-up to the situation, adult to adult. She left you doing her homework, and didn't show any consideration or appreciation for the favor. Yes, it seems she took you for granted; and if your post is any indication, you go a bit overboard catering to her whims. It's very nice to do things for our beloved-mates. I fully understand, and will personally bend-over backwards to help my mate in time of need, or a crisis...or just for the helluvit! It's what relationships are all about. Doing nice things feels good! Both doing and receiving! If she works hard, she deserves a break; but there's a right way to do it.
Why is it okay for you to be upset, but not her?
Are you that afraid of her nagging, scoldings, little-girl tantrums, or tongue-lashings?
You're spoiling her, and this is your reward??? Not to say you should cutoff being sweet and considerate, and doing what comes natural; but you also have to know when you're going a bit beyond the point that you'll be appreciated for it. In other words, taken for a sucker.
You lend yourself to manipulation and exploitation when you never say "no"; or don't speak-up when someone abuses your good-nature or good-deeds. There are acts of kindness we do without requiring repayment or any special recognition. That is godly and righteous. Never stop doing that. Take notice when people see your kindness as weakness or stupidity. Then channel your energies and efforts where they are more appreciated.
Being nice all the time first and foremost is phony. It's constantly seeking the approval of others at our own expense. I raise my hand, because I've been guilty. However, I do have a limit, pressure gauge, and a warning-threshold. It was acquired with time and experience; and it took me a long-time to develop it. Nowadays, if I end-up feeling used or played by someone I love or hold dear; I feel they deserve directness and honesty. This is necessary to maintain our goodwill; and continue the exchange of reciprocity, when it comes to support and helping each-other out. It's supposed to be give and take. Not an endless stream of giving, followed by a one-sided habit of take, take, take!!!
Never place anybody up on a pedestal, or idolize human beings. They never appreciate the worship. They are unworthy of it, and God gets jealous of it. Worship, praise, and adulation goes to only His Heavenly Divineness. Not to your friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, or your children. It spoils them, and they give nothing back for it. They just expect a continuous supply of it. Once spoiled, they will abuse you and hurt your feelings.
It's being henpecked, p-whipped, or a wuss; when you let a spoiled, high-maintenance, or self-centered woman carry your testicles around in her purse. You were given a sack to carry them with you, not for them to be handed to you! You're the man in the relationship. You are required to show her respect, kindness, consideration, patience, and honor. You are to expect no less in return. She's your girlfriend, not even your wife! This isn't the way to prep her, if you're considering it in the future!
Nagging, yelling, flying into bitch-mode, and screeching or yelling; should not be rewarded or feared! As you would not reward a bad-child for throwing a temper-tantrum. If you are kind and considerate to others; you deserve kindness and appreciation in return. If you aren't afraid of other men, don't be afraid of women. They're only human!
If she has a temper, and gets mad; let her get angry and get-over it!!! You can't enjoy a relationship of one-sided giving; and pandering (or in servitude) to a person who dominates and exploits your good-nature. It isn't fair, and that isn't love! It is ownership! There are females reading your post; and wishing their husbands and boyfriends would be as considerate. However, they also know they would do the same for him; and would show him love and reciprocation as his reward. When you allow people to use you, you have no right to complain about it. It stops when you grow a backbone, and put an end to it. Kindness towards your girlfriend should continue; but not while it is construed as a weakness, or accepted as if you owe it to her. Even if you do, what does it say about her character to behave in such a way?
This is one particular incident, but maybe there are many others. I would not play around with her education to teach her a lesson. You made her a promise, so stick to that. That's a matter of principle and doing what is right. Her education didn't do anything to you. This is about her!
Time for a grown-up discussion, not a fight. If she is temperamental, it's how she gets her way. She will try to turn any discussion about her bad-behavior into a fight, to throw you off-track. Stay calm, pause, wait-out the storm; and you'll notice she'll be forced to calm-down too. She will resist, and keep trying to turn it into a fight, or flip-it; but refuse to go there. Stay relaxed, until she cools-off. Stay on-topic. That's how you modify bad-behavior and avert tantrums. If you overreact, or show fear; your concerns are automatically dismissed by intimidation. Hence, your attempt to resolve a relationship-issue is abruptly deterred and thereby overruled. The problem remains unresolved, and you'll grow more and more resentful. Eventually resulting in a blow-up, or an outburst of temper; and more is said than it should. She'll be on the defensive, and won't be listening anyway; except to hear anything said that is hurtful. To use as a weapon to neutralize your argument or complaint. When you deal with a person who behaves badly when it comes time to discuss problems; you have to be the adult in the room. Effective and calm-discussion solves many problems. You shouldn't be the one apologizing for what she did wrong to you!
Just let her know firmly that you don't like how she left you home doing her work; while she was out with her friends! Also tell her that you were going to just stop, and let her turn-in her assignment just as it is. You had the mind to do it, and not to say a word. This is it for being played a sucker for your kindness. If that's the way she sees it. Then turn her down for a few favors; to force her to remember and appreciate your help, and the support she takes for granted. It's given out of love, not because she's some kind of precious little princess who deserves it. It hurts your feelings and breaks your heart to feel that's how she must see things; but you won't allow it anymore. Then man-up and don't! When she goes beserk; remind her that's why you've decided to say "no" more often! Then hush, and let her rant; or leave the room, to give her time and space to think about it...and to preserve your nerves!
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (12 November 2020):
So you're willing to sacrifice your feelings and happiness to avoid upsetting her? No wonder she takes you for granted. Sometimes you just have to tell people how you feel.
Obviously it's a stressful time for both of you and she needed a break, but considering all you're doing it's obvious that she should be grateful.
More importantly though is do you really want to be in a relationship where telling someone you feel taken for granted is something that will go down poorly? THAT is what you need to work on. Because trust me, the answer is "no"you don't want to be with that person.
I'm not saying the only solution is breaking up, but it's definitely a problem that needs to be addressed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2020):
 I agree with Code Warrior.
Stop dancing around the issue. Stop letting her claim that stress is SO much worse for her. YOU work and support the BOTH of you, you have done all the chores and cooking to HELP minimize the stress.
Doesn't mean that she isn't stressed but being stressed is NO excuse to treat your partner like they OWE you or mean nothing.
I think she is being entitled and selfish here. Sure her grades are important for her degree, but does that mean she can't have SOME consideration for you and all that YOU do to enable her to focus on studies?
I would tell her that you are disappointed that she have put SO little value in all the things you are doing FOR her. So SHE can succeed.
I would also tell her that it makes you feel LESS inclined to help her with stuff, such as proof reading because she doesn't seem to UNDERSTAND that you DO that because you CARE for her, and what does she do? She takes it for granted.
While I understand she wanted to celebrate and you COULD have ordered out for yourself which wouldn't have been a big deal EXCEPT there were already plans made that ENABLED you to work on the proof reading.
If she gets angry THAT is on her!
If you feel used and feel resentment here you NEED to address it. Do it in a calm tone and demeanor. I would also start the conversation with a I can understand why you wanted to go for drinks to de-stress and I'm OK with that, what I am not OK and feel hurt over is this... and then lay it out for her. I wouldn't be OK with my partner claiming they don't have time to proof read their OWN thing but they have time to go drink with class mates for hours. THAT is not OK. THIS is HER school work, HER responsibility!
It IS important that you express how YOU feel and how SHE makes you feel. If you can't have these talks without fearing she gets angry then how healthy is this relationship? She also NEEDS to know that she is being INCONSIDERATE!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2020): I completely agree with Code Warrior, and I would also add that you have every right to be annoyed. She sounds like very self centred and is certainly taking you for granted.I realise you are 26-29, how old is she? My reason for asking is that i've been a student, and have been lucky enough to have been supported by my partner. Whilst my partner helped with research, I never once asked him to work on anything without me being right there with him. That is out of order in my book because it's her degree, not yours. If she wants her work proof reading she needs to wait a few hours after she's finished and do it herself. That's part of studying. To expect you, after a long day to do that for her is out of order.Even more-so, as you have rightly pointed out, and Code Warrior has reinforced, is that she has dropped you for her friends expecting you to sit in not only waiting for her, but working for her. Frankly in your shoes I wouldn't care if she got angry. I'd absolutely tell her outright that her actions are that of a selfish child and had the shoe been on the other foot, she wouldn't be too pleased.So to answer your question, i'd say tell her straight, vent if you have to because she needs to know she is wrong to treat you this way!
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