A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I used to be very independent, made my own rules, did my own thing, I was very happy. But the relationship progressed with my boyfriend, despite loving him and him loving me. I noticed I have become so obsessed and I feel horrible. My obsession has nothing to do with him and all with me, I stress a lot about losing him. I hate what I have become. I want to go back to being independent but still being in a relationship. I'm afraid to lose him and I get anxious when he doesn't always call me or text me and I feel silly for basing his love for me on those things because its not true and its awfully unrealistic as he IS busy. I know he loves and cares about, I know he does.How can I go back to stop obsessing. I even cry and act like a complete infant. This behavior is not normal and I dont understand why Im becoming this way. I know its not him, I know he loves me and proves it although I do get annoyed when he says he will call but doesn't but I can't fault him cause there are times when he does call. Im so upset with myself. How can I go back to being who I used to be except better? Im normally not obsessive so Im so shocked at my behavior.This obsession happened about a week ago when I quit my job. I'll start my new job next week. I feel like now that I have this free time, i started noticing things that I haven't noticed before. I noticed how little we talk everyday, and I'm afraid that one day we will stop contacting each other.I've been with guys before but they were all losers to be frank. With this guy, who I've been with for 1 year now he is different. He's not like other guys he's a man. With a real career, going back to school to finish up, has his own life.Please help. I'm so depressed, I think about him all the time, I even stopped going out with my friends fearing that he might call me and I won't be available for him. I even hadn't had food in a week, I'm so depressed and sad to eat. It's ruining my life. I realize how pathetic I've become because of my anxiety and my own issue. He's a great guy he's not perfect but I know he's genuine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): I went through the same thing. If this started when you quit your job then it is probably just because like you said, you have more free time. He is still working and hasn't had a big change in his life. I don't think you should worry. Once you get settled into your new job things will go back to normal.
Please don't stop eating. It's not good for your health and I'm sure your man wouldn't want you to do that to yourself. You sound strong and I know you will come out even stronger. Go have a girls night. I'm sure he won't mind.
A
female
reader, dcgirl15 +, writes (12 October 2013):
First of all, I want you to know that things are going to be okay. I have a feeling that you're going to feel a lot better when you start your job again and the good news is that is within a week.
Here are some of my suggestions until that starts.
1. Do NOT stop going out with your friends. If you miss one of your boyfriend's phone calls and your relationship is healthy/he is the guy that you portray him as, then you can call him back and he'll answer. In a healthy relationship, neither of you should be available to each other 24/7. You should have your own activities you pursue outside of each other. Go out and see your friends! If you miss his call, shoot him a text and tell him you'll call him back in X amount of time.
2. Make a list of things you like doing. Maybe it's watching tv, reading, painting, going for a walk with headphones, taking a bubble bath, etc. Do one or two of these things a day. LEAVE YOUR PHONE BEHIND. Tell yourself you'll come back to it within an hour or whatever.
3. If your days are revolving around your boyfriend, it's likely that you don't have anything interesting to say when you talk to him. Find things that you like and learn a little about them. There are a lot of great podcasts, books, and documentaries out there. Spend some time with one of these so you have something interesting to talk about when you reconnect. If you have nothing to say other than "I missed you," then your conversations may not be as interesting as normal for him and he may be avoiding you out of guilt/ uncomfortable feelings of being the center of your life.
4. Consider scheduling an appointment or two with a counselor. It sounds like you're having a self esteem crisis. American society has a big stigma against counselors but I think almost everyone can benefit from a few sessions once in a while. It could help you feel re-centered to have a a counselor tell you that you've just been temporarily knocked off balance and it happens to a lot of people occasionally.
5. If he has a job and is going back to school, recognize the demands that he has on his time. He can't be there for you all day even if he wanted to be. Leave sticky notes on your phone or desk reminding you that he has other things to do. If he's given a gift to you, put it in a prominent place to remind yourself concretely of his affection.
I really think you'll be okay. You just need to recognize that while this isn't okay, this behavior isn't as unusual as you think it is. You're not broken; you're just in a bad place right now.
However, you do need to try to fix it yourself and not lean on him too much. It's not anyone's responsibility to fix you other than you. He can try to help but only you can do it.
Please let us know how you're doing.
P.S. There are some sexist parts of this wikihow but it may be helpful. You can google other things about low self esteem (which I think is what's happening) and maybe get some other ideas. Good luck!
http://www.wikihow.com/Not-Let-Your-Life-Revolve-Around-Your-Boyfriend
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