A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 36 year old virgin and I am starting to get truly depressed about my situation. I still live with my parents and the only sexual contact I have had was a brief hand-job whilst I was a student at college. My only relief now is masturbation.My problem stems from a lack of confidence as I am short fat and bald. I have tried to lose weight but I feel intimidated at the gym. I have also considered paying for sex, but do not have the nerve to approach a prostitute. It is getting to the point where I am fantisising about my male friends relieving me just to feel something different, though I don't consider myself gay or even bi and usually the thought of any male sexual contact would repulse me.How can I get over this crippling lack of confidence and maybe start dating? I am really at my wits end.
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confidence, depressed, hand-job, live with my parents, lose weight, prostitute Reply to this Question
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (7 November 2008):
 It seems you already know the answers to your question, as most people do when they come on here. Changing one's self is by no means an easy task, and it will never be. Its literally the fight against nature, to challenge things that want to continue being the same. Its like changing the course of a river, seems impossible, but people do it, and when they do, the new course it takes seem like a natural one after a while.
You are not being pathetic, but have a lot of issues deep within which you need to address, but can only do it through the outside, if you know what I mean. In other words, your external actions determine the severity of your internal wounds. But you are right in deciding to make a first step. Just realise that you're not the only one who has issues, everyone has their own, some worse off, some better off, but nevertheless, we all do have them. We all know the rule is simple, to deal with the problem, something has to change, either us or the problem itself. But most of the time, its us, yet only a handful ever do it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): Original Poster here.
I Dont Lie, you are right, I see myself as a 1. I really hate seeing myself in mirrors, shop windows etc. I'm not good looking at all and no matter how much I get told that I have other things to offer, I also know that you need to look half decent in order to attract people to let them know what you have to offer. Which, isn't much.
I know living with my folks isn't exactly appealing at my age but I am scared of living alone. I know that sounds crazy but the fear is quite intense. I find that when my parents go on vacation I have to invite friends over or I have panic attacks.
I know my problems are mostly psychological, but I just can't seem to shake them. I have considered some sort of therapy but I feel like my problems don't warrant that much attention.
I have decided to try and take the steps you suggested and get out there and give it a go. This isn't easy for me but I know that I am just being pathetic and have to take those steps.
Thankyou for your advice.
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A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (6 November 2008):
You are right, the problem here is the lack of self confidence. Try looking at it this way, things are never going to change themselves if not made to change. If you want want to meet women, the only way to do it is to go out and meet them, because sitting at home thinking about what you're missing out on isn't going to help you get laid, let alone a partner.
But of course, in your case, you have the self esteem issue, which in my opinion, is very low. I get the impression that you see your attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10 as being 1 perhaps, and that is extremely critical to anyone not disfigured. Focus on what you can change about yourself and learn to accept those that you can't. Height, you can't change. Weight, appearance and charisma, you can change. If you can afford it, its about time you moved out on your own. Living with your parents at the age of 26 let alone 36 will not help you score points in the dating game, not mainly because of the unability to support yourself financially, but more so that it gives the impression that you're not independent, not able to take care of yourself and also the privacy aspect it raises.
Your size will never change if you dont do something about it, or if you keep being intimidated of getting to the gym. You have to make a start on the first uncomfortable move, and then the rest will move on accordingly. Think about this, you'll only feel uncomfortable for a couple of weeks-ish, and after that, you'll be the one casting your eyes out for the newcomers!! What's the worst that could happen, you're not going to lose your life! You only live once, wouldn't you wanna make the most out of it and enjoy it to the fullest, pushing yourself to see how far you can go? I tell you, the greatest satisfaction will come when you start to notice your appearance transforming. Once you sort your appearance out, there will be a gradual boost in your self confidence, and once that happens, you'll be attracting the opposite sex in no time. Whatever it is you need to make the first move in making a change, and the rest will automatically fall into place.
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A
female
reader, vix100  +, writes (6 November 2008):
 I can't really empathise being a married woman, but it just struck me that maybe your situation is made worse by the fact that you are living with your parents. Is there a reason for this? Do you care for them? I think it'd increase your confidence greatly if you had your own freedom/space. Just because you are, as you say, "short, fat and bald", doesn't mean anything - people of all shapes and sizes are attractive. I also find gyms very intimidating, you're not alone there! Maybe try finding some sport/activity that really interests you and join a group. It's a start in just interacting with people and giving you more confidence in yourself. Sorry I can't be of any more help and I hope someone else can, as I do feel for you. x
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