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How can I get him to stop hating me?

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 March 2008) 9 Answers - (Newest, 20 July 2009)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

hi all,

my ex and I split up about 6 months ago and he still hates me and wants nothing to do with me even though we were really good friends before going out. I feel like I must be a really horrible person to make him act like this (and he has told me so too.) i feel really sad that i have lost one of my best friends, and i wish i could go back and undo the whole thing so at least now we could still be on speaking terms (he still talks to our other friends). we were mates for ages, and i stayed friends with other ex's, though obviously have drifted apart from them over time.

It has made me too scared to get into another relationship because i am afraid of this happening again. even though a friend has been really keen on me for a while now, i don't want to lose him too. and im scared of always feeling like this.

Is there any way I can get my ex to stop hating me? or me to stop caring (as the other is not likely)? no one has ever hated me before, its really not a nice feeling. i feel guilty and dont even know why!

plus, 6 months is a long time!

ps. there was no cheating

View related questions: best friend, my ex, split up

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A female reader, how i stopped hating my ex United States +, writes (20 July 2009):

ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i so feel for you i was there and the ONLY thing you can do is focus on YOU not him, not what he thinks, not how he feels..........

and re: not wanting to move on out of fear - i say, do you really want to give your ex that power over you? all you really have is the present moment if you want to share you life and love and you're interested in this fella friend, have at it sista!!!

i'm more than happy to send you a free copy of my book, How To Stop Hating Your Ex So You Can Co-Parent in Peace (i know you didn't have kids with him, but a lot of it will apply to you - just visit my website at and tell me i responded to your question and i'll email it on over)

and remember "success is the best revenge"

if you're grateful, you can't be unhappy or scared!

hang in there!


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008):

give him room he's probbaly getting over it himself.

eventually exes become best friends and i know.

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A male reader, feelsacred United States +, writes (28 September 2008):

This is such an important question. I too went throught ehexact same thing. Was friends with my ex for 3 years and then took it to the next level. Couldnt imagine eachother not being in eachother's lives. Talked about marriage and kids. Almost set a date for our wedding. And then we broke up after i accused her of a patttern that threatned our relationship. I took the wrong tact, but she wanted to take no reponsibility, blamed everything on me. I wanted to work through the problem- she wanted to take space. We tried to remain friends as she started to date other people- that didnt work. Made her confused and me angry. Eventually she blamed for for things and made me out to be a bad person. Wouldn't acknowledge my birthday or any loving things I wrote her. She started dating someone else. It would have been impossible for us to be friends as I know she loved me just as your ex loved you. Once someone who is stubborn makes up their mind- they see no turning back. They are mad at themselves as much as they think they are mad at you. You have to ask yourself why you would want someone like that in your life. Are you looking to be validated by him? I did that? Only we can truly value ourselves- no one else. Accept what is- don't fight reality. I know you probably remember the good times more than the bad- I did that too. Its easier to stop remembering by focusing on yourself and being open to other people entering your life. If you are truly meant to be friends- have faith that you will be. If not- you won't. Either way you are an amazing person. Focus on that so what another thinks becomes less important than what you think about yourself. Love him. Know that he may be suffering. Just send love and forgive him for being himself. Open your heart to someone else and youll be surprised who you attract when you really love yourself. Thanks for asking this vulnerable question and all of the amazing and helpful answers. They helped me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008):

Hey darling. I know kind of how you are feeling and it hurts bad actually to think your to blame or it's all your fault, and that ur a bad person. Listen to your heart. There are alot of sweet,kind, loving people in the world and I bet your one of them. Just don't make ur self feel bad about how he is feeling! Good luck, hun.


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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008):

Well yeah, you broke up. End of relationship.

He hates you? In what way, does he badmouth you, try to hurt you? You don't mention anything he does other then not wanting anything more to do with you.

This is simple, he cared for you, but the relationship didn't work out for some reason (you don't specify what except that it wasn't over cheating) and that means THAT IS THE END!

It probably just means he did really care about you, has accepted the relationship has ended and wants to move on.

No, it don't matter if you were good friends before, if you take friendship to the next level it can hardly ever go back to the way it was. The only times I noticed that worked was when the relationship was more of a friends having sex thing then love.

In fact, that you still want to be friends him suggests that you didn't care that deeply about him in the first place. (Presuming here that you don't want to be friends again to have another chance at becoming lovers)

If he is not acting hostile I would just move on, time heals all wounds and one day he may be ready to become friends again but for now accept that it is over. Give him space and time.

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A female reader, love-him United Kingdom +, writes (7 March 2008):

love-him agony auntHEY!!

Let go of him.. im not sure why he hates you so much? Not all men will be like this with you, but also i dont know that many men who would stay friends with an ex because it causes too much heartbreak and rememberance..

GOOD LUCK :)!! Feel free to mail me about anything x x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008):

Oh, and what is it that they say about Fear...False Evidence Appearing Real....Don't let one guy, one relationship ruin your future happiness. Every person out there is unique and comes with their own personality, history and hang ups, so each relationship will be different as each person. Just take what you have learned, try to avoid falling in to the same pitfalls, and be authentic, be your true self all of the time, so the right guy for you will recognize you when he meets you!

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (7 March 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou cannot control others and how they think or do.

All you can do is leave them alone if they have hate in their hearts.

You forgive him and move on .

He does not want to be a friend, you can only respect his wish.

You are not responsible for his well being.

Don't blame yourself.

It is not your fault how he wants to live his life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008):

I am very sorry you are feeling like this and I completely understand why you do....a lot of us, in fact most of us have these kinds of break ups.

First off, you can let yourself off the hook and stop feeling guilty that you are a horrible person, no matter what your ex says, he is takes two to make a relationship and two to cause it to fail...perhaps it was even a matter of bad timing.

I also doubt that your ex hates you, but if he does did you know that the opposite of love is not hate? It is indifference, it means that your ex still has some pretty strong feelings for you that are because he did care for you very much and probably still does.....but for what ever reason he made a decision to end the relationship, and he has actually done the best thing for you both and stopped having contact with you, not wanting to be freinds so that you could both move with your lives....problem is you are still stuck in trying to figure out what went wrong and blaming yourself....and you may have made the mistake of trying to pursue a friendship with him after the break up, calling a lot, when he did not want that and it pushed him even farther away. The best thing to do is to just leave him alone, no calls, no emails, no cards, letters or texts....just go on and date another guy or are trying to figure out a logical reason for an emotional decision and it is pretty much a waste of time. Only time will tell if what ever caused the break up in the first place wasn't all that important and you can rekindle your relationship, but you can't make any one feel a certain way about you, or stop hating you because it isn't really about you, it is about them and how they feel and where they are in their life and in their head and heart.....people have to allow us to love them, and he just doesn't want to right now.....let him go, I know it is hard with all my heart I know .....but unless you want another 6 months of fear and feeling bad about yourself, start focusing on YOU and your life and forget about his, he isn't your responsibility any more.

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