A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some help please. I had a miscarriage 5 months ago and my boyfriend of almost 3 years never seemed to upset about it. He never would talk about it and he wouldnt help me pick a name out for our baby boy. Now that what would have been my due date is only a week away it is getting hard for me again and im wanting to do something in remembernce of our baby boy but he dosent want anything to do with it. I really need him that day to help me get though it but i dont know how to ask him to be there for me. How would i start a conversation with him about this? How can i get him to want to be a part of it and to get him to be there? Any advisd will help alot! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (12 June 2008):
I think that you are wrong in thinking that it didn't upset him. He wont be a part of anything because it hurts. I think he is thinking that it will hurt less if he pretends it didn't happen while for you it will hurt less if it is aknowledged that it happened. As far as what to do admit that you know that it hurt to lose the baby and tell him you need to aknowledge him to help your pain.
I dont think that helped to much with getting his help but i promise you that his heart is just as broken as yours. He is just dealing with it in the least painful way possible for him.
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Hmmm - this is a sad situation all round. Firstly, I am very sorry to hear of your loss, I truly hope you will be able to reover and heal very soon. To answer your question - I don;t know if you can "make" your man participate in something like this. People cope and grieve in their own ways - and a ceremony or something like that may not be at all what he would feel comfortable with. I am not saying you shouldn;t do it - if you think it will help you get some closure then it is important - but having him there under duress or out of guilt will only make the day more stressful, and will probably detract from what you are there to do in the first place. Have you got close family or friends who could be there to share the moment with you? I know it isn't the same - or what you'd prefer...but if it is the only way it can happen maybe it's worth considering.I would still try to talk with him about it - and tell him honestly how much it would mean to you to have him there...but express your need for the ceremony as YOUR need, YOUR way to cope/feel some sense of closure...and that you understand if he doesn;t have the same view on it...but would he be prepared to be there for YOU? You have to be prepared for him to refuse...and although that will hurt,you may feel rejected or like you don;t understand him at all...you will have to acept that. It is sad that you haven't felt you could talk with him about what happened..but it is not uncommon. Not to over generalise, but alot of males cope by "getting on with things" and appear like they are unaffected by trauma/loss. I don;t think it would be the case that he didn;t care...he is just expressing his grief and coping in the only way he knows. You sound like you cope by talking, commemorting and continuing to think about your lost baby...very different to him. Unfortunately these different coping styles can lead you to feel quite disconnected from your partner at a time when you need them the most...so all sorts of thoughts and feelings can brew away there. Have you been able to link in with any support groups or services around your loss? Maybe that would help you - give you the support you need but that your partner just isn;t capable of giving you? Best wishes, I hope you can have an open discussion and make some ground with your man - but if not, you do what you need to do for you. x
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