A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:is there something wrong with me? i just can't find a decent guy? they all turn out to be such jerks but it starts out so great ... they tell you how much they care and like you and everything else and then they just break your heart everytime ... i have never had a decent boyfriend ... i just don't understand ... i have self respect and confidence i am in college and have a good job. I have a lot going for me and people tell me im very interesting to talk to funny and smart. i love to have fun and party but im willing to make sacrifices for a relationship too. im not gorgeous but im not ugly either ... i have my fair share of guys approach me but they always turn out to be such jerks ... i never let it keep me down though i always get right back out there and trust again ... even though i have been to hell and back with heart break ... all i ever get is heart break ... should i not trust so easily ... should i not love to the fullest every time?? should i shelter myself a little??? i just want one guy to prove to me that they are not all the same ... one decent guy ... how do i find him?? should i stop trying?? should i shelter myself?? help!
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (18 August 2008):
One thing I know alot of girls do which is a big mistake is falling for a guy when he claims his undying love for them so early in the relationship. Any guy who becomes attached really quickly is probably not very genuine. He will fall out of love just as fast as he did in love.
So watch out for guys who do that.
Also, note that you can get jerks who are 'nerds'. I learnt this the hard way. I thought I could trust a guy who was seen as a 'nerd' cause stereotypically they are so nice and so on. But, he was probably my worst bf ive ever had. Worst then all the jocks and other stereotype of guys ive dated. He was exstremely abusive and because he was smart, it made him a master at manipulation and understanding how to use me so well.
So dont be fooled by the nerd type either. Focus on a guys values. Dont give too much away about yourself because some guys will just copy you to make themself seem really good when they are not. So rather then letting him know all about your values and so on, ask him about his first.
Its also important to pay attention to how a guy acts, not what he says. Actions speak louder then words. Its very true. Look out for inconsistencies in what he does and how he acts.
Hope that has helped :)
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 August 2008):
 Tom has given you some good advice and asked some interesting questions. I must say I think your situation is probably toughest in American colleges, where being the biggest jerk towards girls can often take on the form of a competitive sport for guys. Many guys are looking for as much sex as possible with as many girls as possible, whilst putting as little effort and commitment in as they can.
Perhaps you rush into relationships too fast, before finding out about the person? You should date for a while before getting intimate, that way you get to learn about the guy, and find out whether he is a jerk or not before you get into a relationship. Plus most 'jerks' will get bored if they don't get sex after the first few dates, meaning you can quickly weed out the ones that are just looking for something short term and shallow.
And as Tom asks, perhaps you are falling for the wrong kind of guys? At your age, it's often the confident and outgoing guys that are the jerks. The 'nice guy's tend to be shyer, more reserved and less social. Meaning its much harder to meet them. This changes later in life as the 'nice guys' tend to be more successful and learn to be more confident, whilst the jerks tend to follow the long, slow, downward spiral towards becoming losers.
I suggest you try to move in different circles in college. Look for some more intellectual or creative groups, and avoid the party and sports scene. That, plus taking your time to get to know someone slowly first, should increase your chances off finding a 'decent guy'.
Good luck :) Don't give up, they are out there I promise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): Anonymous, honey, I do feel for your problem. I see you are in the US, but I don't know where. I don't think it makes a lot of difference. Most girls your age tend to be more emotionally mature than guys. I don't know why some or most guys of your age are so crass. I did not understand it when I was a young guy, myself. I also did not understand why most girls seemed to like the shallow jerks instead of guys like me. They were more "fun", I guess. But then, if the girls could hear how they talked about them after a date...Well,...Anyway, you are at an age when you should be thinking about your future and being an independent young woman. Are you in school? Doesn't matter, just asking. If you are, maybe you should check out some of the organizations on campus that guys with some brains and sensitivity would tend to associate themselves with. Let me ask you a personal question. Would you NOT date a guy that some other guys you know called a "geek" or a "nerd"? What do you think those words mean? Do you also tend to be attracted to guys that other girls are attracted too? Why? For what reasons? Think about these things. You can PM me any time. I am very "mature" hon, so don't be worried about being "hit on". Ha! My nieces are much older than you. Tom
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