A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 5 1/2 years, and as I write this my husband has once again moved out and is saying he wants a divorce. Though up until last week he would tell anyone interested that he has never been happier and that I he loves me beyond words. And everything is fine until there is an issue to deal with.... any issue, big or small. This has happened too many times to count...I usually would call him and beg him to reconsider, and to please try and work things out, i guess i feed his ego for him. My question is... is it normal for a married man to refuse to communicate, be verbally mean, to take off and refuse to talk about anything? And is there any hope of him changing? This time I have not contacted him and when he caontacted me I told him to do it again, that he can contact me through family members, I just am unable to take all this emotional crap anymore... But what can I do to make this situation better, I really love my husband and don't want a divorce, but I can't keep living this way. How can I deal with his anger and get him to communicate and to become fully commited to our marriage? Any advice will be appricated....
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Oh, btw I need to add: The idea of men needing more time to communicate than women is sexist and irrational. They may TAKE more time, but needing it, no. Things have got to be equal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): I think CaringGuy is right on.
My man used to lose it, and one day I just said, "This is your last time you do this. I'm holding you to your consequences."
And I went on in life without him and then one day he just broke and did every sacrifice within his sphere of capability to demonstrate he is changed.
Make sure you do not pose as if you have zero tolerance, simply don't tolerate one bad move, ever, and stick to your word of cutting him off to protect yourself from his problems. This will cause both of you to respect not only you, but integrity itself.
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female
reader, benudged  +, writes (11 February 2010):
Men need more time to communicate what they feel. They were never taught to feel the same way women are. When they sense trouble they fight or flee so learning anything in between the two takes time. It sounds like leaving for him is always his answer. If his only way to return home is through your begging, that is an issue he has. He should be willing to come back on his terms since he left on them. It sounds like he needs to work through his communication skills because he lacks them currently. You need to do what's best for you. If you want to help him work on his issues, you are committed to this marriage and truly care. If he doesn't want to work on anything, doesn't want your help and support, he's not committed at all.
Are you getting what you want in life? If not, follow the blog: http://benudged.blogspot.com.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): I agree with the other posters and in particular 'rhythmandblues'. I know this isn't what you want to hear - because you want to save your marriage - but unless your husband gets help from a psychotherapist, you are going to continue to be subjected to this for the rest of your life/married life and it will only get worse. My ex partner who I was with for about 5 years, behaved in exactly the same way. We didn't live together and weren't married but he was like it with his ex wife and then me. He had us both over a barrel ie we did things his way and begged him to come back or we suffered. He would pick arguments over silly things, to get attention and then use the 'offence as defence' tactic of attacking us. It was only when a friend of mine said 'look this man has a mental disorder' that we realised that he needed help before he could be in any relationship. Your husband sounds like he is stuck in juvenile mode and it will get to the point, where like my ex, you will be in the house with him ignoring you and looking daggers at you and constantly saying 'we are over' until he deems fit to calm down, usually if he needs or wants something. This is seriously worrying. You need to be strong and make it clear you will not tolerate this. Yes take him to a psychiatrist and get him tested because this is not normal behaviour and there is nothing but misery ahead for you if he doesn't get treatment now. Sadly my ex got worse, refused to get counselling, blamed all of us, his exes and is now with a woman who was deseparate and is so grateful to have someone that she just simply puts up with it but apparently she smokes and drinks to cope and is not her normal self, according to a friend who saw her recently. Whatever you do you are are in for a tough time. You might be better off just divorcing him. Do you love him enough to put yourself through all this?? You are still young. Best of luck. I do feel for you as I have been here and it nearly destroyed my mind and my health.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): No, he is either extremely immature, has anger issues, or even a personality disorder where he is unable to regulate his moods.Personally, if you want to find out, take him to a psychologist and have him tested.Otherwise, go to therapy yourself to help you come to a decision about what your next steps are. Without knowing the circumstances surrounding your big or little issues in the marriage, I tentatively say go for the divorce. He is exhibiting personality character flaws that are very unlikely to ever change. After all, you have been living like this for over 5 years, correct?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 February 2010):
Well it's normal for men to take their time in communicating, but not to continually walk out demanding a divorce over small things. You've done the right thing by making him contact you through family members, because now you will know just how committed he is. If he does come back, you tell him bluntly that you will not tolerate another moment of this crap, and that if at any moment he acts this way again, you will divorce him. And you must mean it. Because if he does do it again, you'll know he's not worthy of you.
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