A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I would like some advice please on how to deal with negative people when you’re trying to better yourself and become more positive.2020 took a real toll on my anxiety as I’m sure it did with many people. I became a real negative person which I absolutely hate and I’m determined to change myself for the better and work towards a better mental and physical health.The only thing is, is that my in-laws are really having an impact. They’re so negative (probably without even realising), they speak about their children’s partners so rudely and always have something to say (9/10 it is negative or hurtful) and I can’t help but think they do that about me when I’m not there. They’re materialistic and sometimes make out as if the cheap stuff in life is ‘tat’, which is what I grew up with. I grew up with my sister and mother who was a single parent, living in a terraced house earning very little income. So when they brag about designer stuff being the best, expensive Beaty and health products, it makes me feel like I don’t really fit in here.I really want to change as a person this year, for my son as well as it isn’t good for him having an anxiety riddled mother who has no confidence to go out on adventures with him. What would you do in my situation? My partner is sometimes the same and I need all the positivity in my life this year (I’m aware there will be hurdles, it won’t all be plain sailing) but I really want to help my mental health.Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2021): Hi
When dealing with people like this, it is by far the best thing to be YOURSELF and have no shame or embarrassment about who you are. I have come up against many many peeps like this and I just take no notice of their ridiculous arrogance and blindness, because really they just don't see the the true value of real life and it's richness. I sort of feel sorry for materialistic people who actually do believe that accumulating wealth, status or need designer this, designer that to try and depict who they are as people. It is sad that an object and it's price tag is the only level that some people are yearning for.
Tat! We did not have much either as children and grew up on a hard council estate in the 70s. We also had what some would call 'tat' bare minimal basics, like the Christmas decorations made out of paper, we spent hours making, painting and sticking chains together, We wore mums crochet clothes, coats on the bed for extra warmth. I wouldn't change a single thing about my childhood. It made me see true value in the tat, which I still enjoy today as an adult. I also buy designer stuff (If I particularly like it) not because it gives me some sense of identity.
When people are horrible or rude about others in front of me, I hate to hear it and refuse to listen to character assassination's or snide remarks about others. I have often defended the persons not present and suggested that the person should be present to hear what they REALLY think about them, if they have the guts to speak up or just shut up. Don't repeat as this stirs up trouble, but don't feel that you have to sit with this kind of negative talk, just get up and leave the room until the penny drops.
You should remember that 'Fitting In' is not the way to create an adventurous life free from anxiety, you are a free spirit, there's nothing to fit into.
Plain sailing, who wants that if they want to have an adventure. Get your mind out of the old hens and fake world and connect with nature and its' wild beauties, animals. Happy new Year!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2021): You will gain a lot of freedom when you'll finally stop believing the hype and living under the thumb of public-opinion. People reliant on the validation and approval of others are trapped psychologically. They worry about rumors, gossip, and criticism; and imprison themselves in self-made traps. Paranoid of what others say and think.
Now here's a dose of reality. You will never not care what people think of you. Somebody, or anybody, can find a way to hurt your feelings. You stand more of a chance of survival if you can take a few cheap-shots, or endure some gossip. You can't make people always say nice things about you. If they don't like you, it is what it is!
Here we are, in this modern-day and age where people publish their personal-lives online to get other people to notice or envy them. Coaxing and begging them to click on the "like-button" to show how much! Total strangers they've never met!
They want a daily-tally of how many people agree in high numbers with their opinions, and how much they appreciate their pics and selfies. They want high-praise for all their commentary; no matter how strange, unsettling, or foul it might be!
Hate, verbal-abuse, and lies are more acceptable than truth, love, and kindness. Everyone wants to be told what they want to hear; and become so oversensitive that constructive-criticism is almost always taken in a bad-way. Some become suicidal, based on a hurtful comment from some random idiot.
The irony being that people are desensitized against the feelings of others; and oversensitive and defensive about what comes back their way! Social media has such an influence on our behavior that it's frightening, if not downright terrifying! The younger you are, the more affected you are about what people say or think of you! With age, you will gain somewhat of a thicker-skin; but not always. Not all the time, even if you try! We're human!
You've been under a lot of conditioning to respond to the negative-remarks and commentary of other people. You cannot control free-speech! Even if you're a dictator, or a communist-government. Somebody is going to have an opinion, and will manage to make it heard!
There is no way to control what people think or say; only how you respond and react to it, my dear! It's tough for all of us, because we're human and have feelings. You can develop some limited immunity and tolerance; by first realizing opinions aren't always fact. Just because people hear something negative said about you; they aren't always inclined to believe it. You should not become too concerned; unless it is so slanderous it causes you serious emotional-distress, imposes severe or irreparable damage to your reputation, and might effect your income or livelihood. You have to consider the source, and how far the "bad-mouth" travels; before you go nuts about chit-chat! Loose-lips might sink ships; but you'll lose your mind worrying what somebody "might" say about you. "Might" is only a probability; not requiring angst or action until you know it has happened for a fact! You might drop dead any second, should you worry that "might" happen?
Your in-laws probably have said something unpleasant about you many times; but if it hasn't gotten back to you...who cares? Who died and left them judge of the world? What's so perfect and godly about them that no-one can criticize their faults and weaknesses?
What material things you have, or how much money you have doesn't make you better than anybody. A rich jerk is still a jerk, a rich criminal is still a criminal, and a rich fool is still a fool! Everyone seems to think money makes a person better...it only makes them financially-advantaged; but they still go to the toilet, and feel the same pain and humiliation as any other human being. You can be a total lowlife-scumbag, and have millions or billions of dollars! I could site someone as an example, but I will bite my tongue! Designer labels don't increase your value as a human being, or improve your personality or character. They just dress it up! You can put Prada on a bag-lady! A rich-person can die penniless! "Put lipstick on a pig, and it's still a pig!"
Let them chatter and gossip. If it causes you serious personal-loss, or defames your character to the degree it causes you damaging public-humiliation that you can prove; then sue the dickens out of them! Otherwise, let it roll off your back; and grow a thicker skin! The world can be cruel, and you will only survive in it when you can take a few blows and people talking about you.
Although you are an anonymous poster, aren't you here criticizing your in-laws before total strangers? Thousands of people from all over the world view this site; so you're even!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 January 2021):
 If your in-laws talk shit about others in front of you, they will do the same behind your back, NO doubt. That is on them. IF you stay and listen or participate... then it's on you too.
But... you don't HAVE to sit there and listen to it. You can excuse yourself and go elsewhere (if you are out to dinner, go to the restroom or just pop out for some fresh air. If you are at their home, the same. In your house, you can go where ever YOU want.
Or you can try and change the subject. Bring up positive stuff.
Some people forget that all the MATERIAL stuff means nothing in the end. You can't take it with you when you die. And... it's JUST stuff.
Don't feel like you are "less" because you grew up with less. Them HAVING stuff doesn't MAKE them better people, OBVIOUSLY!
You are not going to get positivity ALL the time from EVERYONE. It's not realistic. However, you CAN control how much NEGATIVE stuff you are willing to listen to, participate IN and BE around.
As for your BF, if he start bragging about the "GOOD STUFF" TM! that he has and grew up with don't let it frustrate you. Monkey see, monkey do. It's how he was raised. Instead, change the subject.
Work on BEING positive yourself, it really spreads to others. Same with negative things. And at the same time ACCEPT that this is HOW your in-laws are - you CAN NOT change them, nor do I think they would WANT to change.
Think on what POSITIVE changes you want to make this year and then work on that.
And perhaps learn to give less of a shit about "stuff". So WHAT that someone has expensive beauty and health products? Or a purse that cost $5,000? Seriously! All I can think when I see someone brag about some fancy smancy item, is... what a waste of money.
Then again, I AM cheap. Not do I fall for the commercial BS that is "name brands" or even worse... "influencers" and their jacked up crap they peddle. It's all superficial stuff.
Become the kind of person you WANT to be and that YOU would be proud to know.
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