A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has damaged our relationship, we have been married for 30 years, recently I discovered he had been watching porn and masturbating to it, he said he would stop and that it was probably due to boredom having been together for so long. Then I caught him again and he said he had done it for most of our married life, so that contradicts what he said earlier, he also says he likes 20 year old girls, he likes their firm taut bodies, I'm not fat and still attractive and he says he loves me but how can he love me when he behaves like this? He agreed to come to counselling with me, he only attended the one session, he says they cannot help him, nothing wrong with him, the counsellor said that he is a sex addict and really should consider going to counselling on his own, but he won't. We agreed no more lies and deceit, then what do I discover, he is still masturbating behind my back but has got sneakier, no wonder he doesn't want to have sex with me, he prefers his hand. When we go out together he is seeking out girls to oggle at, he doesn't just notice a pretty girl, he looks at every female in the shop, pub etc where ever we are, weighing them up for their sexual attributes, it causes no end of arguments between us, but he says it's me, I should stop noticing and watching what he does. Should I tell him that I know that he is still lying to me over the masturbating? I have read that it can lead them back to porn, there will be some that will say it is normal for a man to masturbate, what when his wife has only left the house to nip to the shops, and he also knows that a sex life means a lot to her. I can understand if the wife/girlfriend is away or refuses all the time, but I don't, I think it is an obsessive compulsion on his part, can people break away from this behaviour?
View related questions:
porn, sex addict, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Honey--
Your husband is a sexual addict, plainly and simply. No matter what you ever did or what you ever will do, you are NOT responsible for his behaviour. He was this way long before he even met you. I am willing to bet that you are living in a "roommate" situation and btw, he likes it that way.
My advice is for you to go to some websites and visit the library (as another reader has suggested) and read up on sexual addiction. Your eyes will be opened. Once you have the facts, you will be able to make a level-headed decision about what to do.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): to all those advising this hurting woman to watch porn with her husband I offer this....watching porn with a sex-addict is like offering to go to the bar with an alcoholic. First they probably don't want you to watch it with them, second, it's not helpful it is enabling, third it can only make the situation worse as it is a progressive disease just like alcoholism! I wish people would learn more about sex addiction before offering this very bad advice!
...............................
A
female
reader, Lily Moll  +, writes (24 January 2008):
Porn and masturbating are reasonable enough, but refusing sex with his wife, due to a preference for porn and self-pleasure, is a problem. Perhaps you could let him know how it makes you feel? Be clear that you'd like to pleasure him, and that the porn and masturbation are not the issue, but the lack of sex between you is an issue.
...............................
A
male
reader, xylplxym +, writes (24 January 2008):
Wo wo wo Laura1318, guys don't get sperm build up that they have to release. In fact sperm is created only when needed because they don't live very long as it is.
Psycologically, obviously his checking out of other women is a result of the porn addiction. Basically now he is treating every woman like the women in the porn. It's a common, non-mentioned side affect for alot of guys and not normal behavior. You should do definitely do something to let him know you know ya know?
But seriously, yes the habit can be over come, it's just insanely hard. You are sort of right labeling it a OCD but I'd like to think of it as an addiction and be treated as such. It takes time and after many relapses yeah, it can be overcome. But the only thing is that he has to be willing to make the change. And froom what you have said, that doesn't seem to be the case. I could be wrong, but HE may not ever overcome the habit.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 A man watch porn and then masturbate to release his sexual tensions.He gets relieved. If he does not masturbate to release those sperms built up in his system , he will have wet dreams .
Most men masturbates even when they are married. The porn is to stimulate his senses and make him cum or they fantasize in their minds and recall all those sexy images stored in their brains.
Women do not have a penis or testosterone and they do not understand. Watching porn , masturbating is normal for a man because they are more highly sex due to their Hormones.
This should not be an issue and woman should understand that he is made that way just as men cannot understand why women cries and are so emotional.
Ogling at other women is not bad because there are findings which claim that it is good for their health.You can read my write on this issue here;-
http://laura1318.wordpress.com/2007/12/02/ogle-at-boobs-is-healthy-for-men/
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I may be in the minority, here, but I think the last thing you should do is condemn him for his addiction (if it is an addiction). If he wasn't ashamed of it he wouldn't be hiding it.
With that said, I would totally use this as an opportunity to explore new sexual experiences with your husband. Perhaps you could rent/buy a couple's porn DVD and experiment with new techniques.
I don't think looking at porn and masterbating says anything negative about your relationship. I think it's quite common for men, in particular, to look at porn. But I would definitely offer to become apart of it with him.
You would shock your husband, and probably jump start the heat! Can you imagine what he would do if you brought home a couple's porn DVD?
...............................
A
female
reader, lovejunkie  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 You are in a no-win situation because he refuses to get help for his addiction, instead acting like it's your problem. You could fight fire-with-fire. If it were me, I'd start spending alot more time looking at other men, and be open about your comments in front of him. "That guy has a great ass...." "Wow, what a cutie..." Start buying your own porn (for women) and buy a few Playgirls and leave them lying around. Buy yourself a dildo and a vibrator and if that doesn't wake him up, have an affair and make sure he knows about it. (Maybe with his best friend). It'll either make him do an about-face with his sorry attitude and start realzing the reality of losing you, or it will at least help your self-esteem to know you have someone else to turn to. I think your marriage is doomed otherwise. Sorry....I wish you the best. That louse doesn't deserve you!
...............................
A
male
reader, shikari424 +, writes (23 January 2008):
I know it probably makes you feel less sexually attractive and you might be jealous that he's looking at younger models. But really, he's probably been masturbating since he was about 12. It isn't a big deal, i promise, especially not for guys, your husband probably doesn't think anything of it!
I remember one of my ex's getting really jealous that i used to watch porn occasionally! It's natural, but it's nothing to get frightened over. His behaviour might be another concern, though.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
I do really feel for you, As a willing sexual partner in your marriage to be refussed sex over something like this can affect the way you feel about yourself greatly. On the whole I think men and women do watch porn at some times in there life and I find no harm in this, But when it affects the marriage to this extent its wrong and not nice for the partner who is left hurt and confussed as I was married to a man who did this he was a sex addict but under different circumstances he had alot of sexuality problems with himself. This made me feel at the time very unattractive and undesirable when deap down I no thats not true. When this first happened I was hurt and felt there was no way out, all my interest disapeared and all I could think about was how to make things right. Like your husband when we went out he would make it obvious that other women were the main attraction of the night, And openly chat them up in front of me, But if anyone paid me any attention he would threaten them. It was the most awfull time of my life as I had the children to think of as well as all this going on.
I decided to get strong and went to the library dont ask me why but it worked I got an interest and my focus was not on him anymore I got a life and the more I read the stronger I got, It didnt get any better sex wise although I still at that stage was willing, A few months down the line hunny I couldnt have cared less my strength was at its best and this is when the tables turned. I no longer cared what he looked at or did with himself I got myself a good job in between looking after the children and work and my reading this got me through. As my husband was also violent I new I had to leave so that was my main concern. I no you are more hurt than words could ever say and I no you feel out of control in this situation but you can get you back. The more you worry about what he is doing the less he has to worry about what you are doing as he knows you are so inlove and unhappy he holds the cards at the moment, so sweetheart you have to get your confidence back your strength and your life. If he is unwilling to get help you get help for you, Get yourself support all the support you can, Find an interest that takes you away from the house and start being your own person again, Always remember how beautiful you are, Always have faith in your own abilitiys as a person and dont put it of start as soon as you can, When you have a little confidence slowly it will build, Start going out with friends, Hopefully you have a good friend to speak with please dont sit there in despair hoping he will change, You do some changes and with faith in yourself and love you can turn this around. When you feel better about yourself and this situation you will be stronger to deal with it and then you will be able to see more clearly as to what you want at the end of the road of recovery. If you need to talk at anytime please message me ill be only to happy to support you in anyway I can WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
I do really feel for you, As a willing sexual partner in your marriage to be refussed sex over something like this can affect the way you feel about yourself greatly. On the whole I think men and women do watch porn at some times in there life and I find no harm in this, But when it affects the marriage to this extent its wrong and not nice for the partner who is left hurt and confussed as I was married to a man who did this he was a sex addict but under different circumstances he had alot of sexuality problems with himself. This made me feel at the time very unattractive and undesirable when deap down I no thats not true. When this first happened I was hurt and felt there was no way out, all my interest disapeared and all I could think about was how to make things right. Like your husband when we went out he would make it obvious that other women were the main attraction of the night, And openly chat them up in front of me, But if anyone paid me any attention he would threaten them. It was the most awfull time of my life as I had the children to think of as well as all this going on.
I decided to get strong and went to the library dont ask me why but it worked I got an interest and my focus was not on him anymore I got a life and the more I read the stronger I got, It didnt get any better sex wise although I still at that stage was willing, A few months down the line hunny I couldnt have cared less my strength was at its best and this is when the tables turned. I no longer cared what he looked at or did with himself I got myself a good job in between looking after the children and work and my reading this got me through. As my husband was also violent I new I had to leave so that was my main concern. I no you are more hurt than words could ever say and I no you feel out of control in this situation but you can get you back. The more you worry about what he is doing the less he has to worry about what you are doing as he knows you are so inlove and unhappy he holds the cards at the moment, so sweetheart you have to get your confidence back your strength and your life. If he is unwilling to get help you get help for you, Get yourself support all the support you can, Find an interest that takes you away from the house and start being your own person again, Always remember how beautiful you are, Always have faith in your own abilitiys as a person and dont put it of start as soon as you can, When you have a little confidence slowly it will build, Start going out with friends, Hopefully you have a good friend to speak with please dont sit there in despair hoping he will change, You do some changes and with faith in yourself and love you can turn this around. When you feel better about yourself and this situation you will be stronger to deal with it and then you will be able to see more clearly as to what you want at the end of the road of recovery. If you need to talk at anytime please message me ill be only to happy to support you in anyway I can WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 January 2008):
 Hi
Porn isnt a big deal no, but when someone is hiding it, its more of a worry. I do agree with him to a certain extent about the porn though. Its no reflection on you. Blokes are very visual, unlike women so much. Guys like to actually see things. Maybe hes hiding it because he knows you are against it? If he is at it none stop then maybe the counsellor is right, hes got an addiction. But if he wont keep up the appointments what can you do?
What about if you both watch the porn together? Have you thought about that?
All this thing about him eyeing up 20 year olds is daft though, like they would be interested in a guy his age (i assume he is late 40's say?) Mid life crisis springs to mind there. But looking is all hes ever gonna be able to do there thats for sure. Hes making a bit of a twit of himself in that instance!
But i do think guys (and sometimes girls) use porn as a seperate thing to their partners, and thats normal, not usually instead of. If instead of is the case, surely he must see thats not right?
C xxxx
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): sounds very much like the therapist was right...you can help yourself by visiting npsupport.net There is invaluable advice and ways to deal with this there to save your sanity. Take care of you, it is the only way you will feel better, he is a lost cause.....and NO this is not normal male behavior!
...............................
|
