A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would like to know how I can get a girlfriend.I am a 36 year old male who has never had any kind of a relationship with a woman.(not even a week long fling when i was at school)I have never been in a situation where it is appropriate to give a woman my phone number. My cousin introduces me to the women he knows all the time but they usually just smile and say hello then act as if I wasnt there. I am friendly, kind and generous, I am intelligent and I keep up with conversation but nothing seems to work. I can say something funny and the women will ignore me but then my handsome cousin will make exactly the same remark and the women fall about laughing at him. I have tried several different dating sites to no avail, I have tried speed dating, again to no avail. I once overheard two women saying that they thought I was creepy, and once, a woman I used to work with told me that I creeped her out but she couldn't say why.No man that I know has told me that I give off a creepy vibe.I have 6 female friends who have all told me that I am witty, intelligent, caring etc. All the things you would think make a perfect guy but all of them have refused to date me and they say they have no single friends that would suit me. People say you have to go through lots of rejection before you find the right one but I havnt even had rejections because I have never asked anyone out. I havnt even had a really bad date with someone.I talk to women, I make them laugh, I have been a shoulder to cry on, I have given money out of generosity, I have even tried being the arrogant bad boy sort but everyone just told me I was being horrible.So my question is, at 36, what do I need to do to get a woman to date me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood comment anonymous male, but if I dont find a woman attractive, how am I supposed to "get it up" for sex with her?
Tish-1 I dont know if your interested at all but I have found a life coach to see and will be spending (possibly wasting) £750 on trying to discover what the problem is. But I will try to remain positive throughout the sessions. Thankyou for your time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): My first thought was you aim way out of your league and overlook women who are more suitable for you. Sounds like you are competing for the very same women that very good looking, charming men are after. If you happen to be short, bald, or overweight, out of shape then you will have to get real about what women you will reasonably have a chance with. In general, men tend to overvalue their qualities and that's why it's not uncommon to see a middle aged, out of shape, possibly diabetic man hit on the hot aerobics instructor and claim she's shallow for not giving him a chance. I apologize if you are not bald, short or out of shape but there is definitely a reason your women friends won't date you or set you up. Maybe you are asking to be set up with women who would realistically have no interest in you and you haven't come to terms with that or you'd rather deny, not change those things about yourself that make you undesirable to those women. Maybe it's something you can't change but still refuse to accept you have to compromise and date someone similar to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 Maybe a woman would be a better choice, provided she will tell you what you can do to make yourself more attractive. Sometimes a diagnosis requires a professional. You can do all the home-concocted remedies you want but if the condition is serious, you need someone who knows what they are doing.
My amateur, free, diagnosis is that you spend hours finding reasons people are wrong about you, yet you fail to realize that is probably what is holding you back. You have a negative for every positive someone gives you. It's quite sad, really. That and your notion that you are ugly. Those two things together spell chick-repellent.
Put it this way, what, besides some money, do you have to lose? You've spent a great deal of time getting nowhere. Get the lowdown on the problems you present and then you can find a plan to fix them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne of the reasons I came on here is for advice that I dont have to pay for, I dont have the money to possibly waste on a guy who may or may not be able to tell me whats wrong.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 April 2012):
Apparently women want more from a man than a good resume, as your examples show. Go get that advice. You're not convincing me, you aren't convincing anyone else here. Matchmaker or life coach. Invest. It's that or continue to do the same thing and expect a different outcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut I DO think I have something to offer, I'm kind caring and generous, I'm intelligent, witty and non violent. I have plenty to offer when I see girls with great big morons who enjoy nothing better than a few lagers and the football game.
I've seen huge lugs with girlfriends, scrawny drug addled maggots with girlfriends, short business like men and tall unemployed men all with girlfriends. I think that I would make somebody a very nice boyfriend.
I WOULD date me, just nobody else will!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 April 2012):
And boom, there it is. The reason you don't ask anyone out. The reason no one asks you out. You don't think you have anything to offer.
Until that idea of yours changes, nothing will change for you.
You could ask a matchmaker or a life coach how to change how you are perceived by others. They alas, won't be able to do much about how you perceive yourself, until you are ready to make that change.
If you wouldn't want to date you, why would anyone else?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help.
I dont need a professional to tell me why I'm unappealing though. I'm a short ugly little man, that's why I'm unappealing.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2012):
And I go back to that comment, you do need to find out why you are perceived as 'creepy.' That, and your attitude, are what are wrecking your chances of dating. You have to ask a girl out in order to get a girlfriend. In order to ask a girl out, you have to talk to her for longer than 5 minutes. In order to get her attention for longer than 5 minutes, you have to be appealing.
You apparently are not appealing. Ask a life coach, or professional matchmaker, why that is.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2012):
Dating professional, life coach, professional matchmaker. Whatever the term is, you are seeking an unbiased person who can assess your "date-ability" and tell you what you need to address. Female friends who tell you are creepy but don't elaborate are not unbiased nor professional nor do they wish to hurt your feelings.
One big thing I see is that you ask the same question over and over again and dismiss any helpful advice as not being precisely on point for you. This may explain part of your current situation. You lack a positive attitude and assume the ship will sink no matter what measures you could take to fix the problem.
Look for a life coach or professional matchmaker. If you are serious about fixing the problem, that is. If you just want to spend time dismissing all your possibilities, by all means, carry on asking the same question. I'm sure eventually the magic antidote to your lack of dating skills will appear. Magical thinking isn't the best way forward, though, I think.
Good luck in your future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): I'm not Tisha but in response to your response to her about there not being 'dating professionals'...there are "life coaches" so you can use them. Will have to pay some money though but maybe some may give a free first consultation.
About the "creepy" vibe thing. I have a good friend who I think is very attractive, if I wasn't married I woudlnt' hesitate to date him, as there is potential chemistry between us too. Just that I don't let it get further because I'm married obviously. He is your age, and also single. He has had a couple of serious girlfriends over the years. He's currently single again but his most recent ex is still in the picture. He does ask out a lot of women and gets turned down a lot, but that doesn't stop him from asking more other women out. He shrugs off their rejections and doesn't let it get to him.
Many people our age are already married or in relationships so if you're 36 you're going to have to statistically ask out more women than if you were 21. So it could just be a numbers game and not necessarily that you're doing anything wrong. But if you've never asked anyone out, then there's not even any statistics to speak off!
And yes, some women that my friend asks out do think he is creepy! Some of my girl friends have told me that they thought or still think he is creepy. I have no idea why they would think that because I think he's very handsome and intelligent and kind and caring. no they don't know him as well as I do. maybe I'm just more similar to him than they are which is why I think he's very attractive but they don't. Then again, I have also seen other women become his girlfriends so obviously they think he's attractive too and they are not - to me - any different from the women who think he's creepy.
This is the thing. Some women think that ANY guy who asks them out, in a way that is not their preferred way of being asked out, or who doesn't fit their personal ideal of what they find attractive, will label you as creepy. Or some women think that any guy who asks them out but whom they are not already familiar with (like having been friends for awhile), is the definition of creepy.
Actually I have to admit that I'm sort of the latter sort. When I was younger, if a total stranger or a guy that I hardly knew at all just came right up to me and asked me out, I would think he was creepy. I mean, what kind of guy just walks up to a stranger and asks her to go on a date! To me that was creepy. my idea of dating is when you're already somewhat familiar with the other person as a friend, there is already a common ground and you just so happen to find that you have mutual interests and mutual attraction based on that, so THAT is why you then explore dating each other.
Now that I'm older I don't think so much that it's creepy to ask a stranger or acquaintance out because now I realize that people do have a desire to form attachments but simply are not in the situation where they have opportunities available among their current social circle.
However I have to admit that if I were single, unless I was specifically wanting to look for a potential romantic partner, if a stranger asked me out I would probably decline.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyones advice.
Tisha-1, I dont think there is such a thing as a dating professional.The reason I have never asked someone out is because I have never found myself in a situation where I felt I could ask "will you go out with me?" The 6 female friends I do have are all in relationships and I only asked them hypothetically if they would date me.
Like I said before, mostly if I'm introduced to women they just tend to smile and nod and then go back to concentrating on the good looking guys in the place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Keep conversation causual when talking to women. Listen to what they are saying to you. Go out with friends, dont go out alone in bars and clubs cos as a female a lone guy in that environment would just creep me out. I would be wondering why he was out alone. I would be asking why he didnt have friends to go out with or if he was just out on the take and got a wife waiting at home for him. If your a member of a reading club or a gym on your own then it wouldnt be as creepy.
Good luck, hope this insight helps you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): I will be blunt. You need to make sure you look attractive.there's two main approaches to getting a romantic partner:1. Serendipitously. You start off as friends or acquaintances with zero attraction to each other. Neither of you is looking for a romantic relationship and certainly you're not eyeing each other as potential dating material. But then over time as you gradually get to know one another you gradually form a mutual attraction. This is my preferred way of forming new relationships and is usually how the relationships I've been in have started. A couple of my boyfriends that I've had, I initially didn't even like them, I thought they were arrogant or unfriendly or whatnot. Well over time - and I mean, like, over a year or more - of having no choice but to get to know them because of work , we became more friendly, then found we had stuff in common and became actual friends, then over more time gradually started to feel attracted to each other. One of those relationships, took 2 years before we became attracted to each other and then after we fell in love it was incredibly intense and lasted for another 6 years. 2. Second approach: You are actively seeking a romantic partner so you start out the interaction from the get-go with this in mind. The other person may or may not also be like-minded in seeking a romantic partner. If they aren't but you are, then you have a much tougher road ahead of you. But if you're on a dating site then at least you know the other person is like-minded. In the second approach where you are actively seeking to achieve a goal of getting a romantic partner, you have to be a lot more goal-oriented and put a lot more effort consciously. And the very first thing is you need to make sure you are attractive-looking so that the woman will want to go out with you. Looks are not so important when falling in love with a friend that you already know and who already knows you well because then your personality is already known to them and is attracting them. But if you're looking to develop an attraction from a complete stranger or acquaintance, then physical appearance is very important at the very least because it keeps the door open long enough so that your personality can then have time to show through and create the real bond.So the first order of business is you need to consider your physical appearance. Biggest factor is to in shape (if you aren't already). If you're carrying extra weight, lose it. Overhaul your wardrobe and hairdo if you need to. Look at how you carry yourself. The good news is that if you're looking for a woman in your age range (30s), many of them will be looking for guys also in your age range. And many men in your age range (your competition) will have long since let themselves go, or stopped trying to look good. Or they would be coming out of divorces and from having spent years in marriage they have no clue how to look attractive again. So you want to be ahead of your competition. You have a huge advantage that unlike a lot of single men your age you don't have the baggage of an ex-wife, alimony, and kids!Looks are definitely not everything. But they need to be good enough to attract someone who doesn't know you and keep the door open long enough for your personality to have a chance to shine through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): "People say you have to go through lots of rejection before you find the right one but I havnt even had rejections because I have never asked anyone out. I havnt even had a really bad date with someone."Well then start asking people out!! you've used dating sites, where people are actively seeking potential dates. So why haven't you asked anyone out?Also the fact that more than one woman has used the word "creepy" to describe you - you need to find out what this means. What is this 'creepy' vibe? You say you have female friends. Ask them to help you troubleshoot your demeanor or attitude or conversation style or whatever. Ask them to help you identify what is the 'creepy' vibe.You've at least got 6 female friends. even though they don't want to date you, at least you have proven that you are acceptable to women. That's a good start. If no women would even befriend you then you would have a much more serious problem. I would say you should continue with the dating sites and the speed dating, use that to hone and refine your interpersonal skills. but to do this, you have to make the first move, repeatedly, and actually ask someone out!!
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female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 There is another guy on here asking the same thing.... exactly the same. Look at somee of the responses there maybe you will get an idea
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 April 2012):
You have to figure out why you are perceived as creepy. Something in your demeanor or presentation is giving that 'vibe.'
I have a girl friend who is my age, which is, alas, early 50s. She has never managed to keep a man interested in her. She is conventionally attractive, height and weight proportionate, she works out, she has a job, she has an advanced degree.
She repels men. I don't know how to tell her, but she is so damn negative, judgmental and whiny when in a man's company that no one is willing to put up with it. If I knew how to convey this to her without crushing her, I would. Actually, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't take any of it on board. She works out, she lives in a cool place, she is, on paper, a complete catch. But spend more than an hour in her company and the guys start trying to figure out a way to escape. She is relationship poison.
If you are this desperate for a girlfriend, take yourself to a professional matchmaker type and ask what it is you are doing wrong. The key here is that you are willing to listen to negative personal assessments. It won't be nice or comfortable or jolly in any way. You have a certain image of yourself which does not jibe with how you are perceived. So go find out why, for real. Just saying you are witty, kind and intelligent isn't enough. My friend is too. But she is a pain in the ass to spend any amount of time with. I actually traveled with her for a week and while she is seemingly adventurous, she has a list of expectations that can never be met and cannot adjust to changing circumstances with any amount of grace.
Your girl friends are being kind and don't want to hurt your feelings. They have 'refused' to date you because they don't envision themselves being romantic or sexual with you.
Go to a dating professional and find out why you aren't attractive to women. Also, you will have to address why you have never asked someone out. If you'd don't ask, the answer is 'no.' You say you asked your girl friends to date you. Does this mean you asked them to be your girlfriend, without ever so much as asking if they wanted to see a film with you or go out to dinner? These two characterizations of your situation don't mesh up here. You asked people to date you but you have never asked someone out on a date? That sounds odd, right off the bat.
You have a problem. A big one, from what you report. Ask a professional for help, to address your apparent woman-repelling issue. We can't do it from here. You need to have someone size you up and be willing to hear their honest assessment of you. It won't be nice or fun but if you want to fix the problem you have to start from a position of knowledge. Self-knowledge, more accurately.
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male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 Stop viewing women as potential dating partners and start viewing them as individual people. Chances are that you act differently around women than men because you're getting desperate, and they can read your intentions and secret desires a mile away. Women have finely tuned radar for sexual interest from men. If it feels inappropriate or makes them uncomfortable they will call you a creep. Stop looking. Stop thinking about it. Focus on your life, and whenever you encounter a woman treat her like you would a man. You won't click with everyone, and not every woman will like you but if you relax a bit you may find someone you connect with. Women are attracted to confident, secure men not neurotic men who strategize to get girlfriends.
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