A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are living together right now, and are getting a house together in a month. Certain things bother me.. and I need help to see if they really should or not... It's mainly about his sexual history. Sometimes he tells me he's had threesomes (both with another guy, and with another girl)... then he says he hasn't... then he says he's paid for sex.. then he says he hasn't... then he says he has gone to swingers clubs .. then he says he hasn't.....when he's drunk, he tells me about all this stuff that he's "done" .. and then when he's sober, he claims he hasn't done any of that stuff (although I've heard otherwise)..His sexual past really doesn't concern me, it's the "lying" that does. I've tried to confront him about it.. and just want him to open up and feel free to share, no matter what subject. However, this causes him to get angry and clam up. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Oh goodness, I feel like Im reading my own words! My boyfriend who I also live with seems to have a sliding scale of sexual partners. Its jumped from 8 to 32 over the last 2 years. I honestly don't want to know who hes been with since its irrelevant now. Why is he telling you? Is he asking you to do stuff or is he insecure?
If he does want to share his past, he needs to have a reason and he needs to be honest.
Lies in any forum are not ok.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): I had the exact problem with my girlfriend, but the "lies" were much less severe. She would tell me negative things about her ex'es, then admit she loved sex with them. She would deny having ever done some things sexually, then I would find out in a freudian slip or convo, that she did.
It's best to not corner him on questions. Accept that he had a past and let it go. If you cant, let HIM go. you need to get over this somehow. Have a final sit down conversation and tell him you are troubled by this and need to get it all out so you can both move on. Tell him you dont care WHAT he did, you just dont like the half-truths. Let him tell you as much as he can. When it is done, hopefully you will feel confident you know the truth, and move on.
As time goes on, you will probably get more details. he will reveal them as he feels comfortable to you. You need to make him feel comfortable enough to bring them up. That takes time, and by the time HE's ready, so will you. My GF now tells me details once in a while that would have been devastating to me months ago. And you know what? The details are WAY less intimidating then I made them out to be. For example, this guy she was with before me...I knew he was larger than me. That bothered me like crazy for months. I envisioned some perfect porn star banging my GF and her writhing in ecstasy. Turns out he wasn't THAT much larger, he lasted like 30 seconds and rarely did a repeat performance, and drank so much he couldn't get it up half the time. No wonder she dumped him. So stop worrying. He's with you, not them, and if he loves sex with you, you have no reason to worry.
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