A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was hoping someone might lend some insight to this -- I've been someone who has been rather picky about relationships and most have been all very serious. I will go out on first dates but if I don't see a potential first dates turn into last dates. For the past year and half I've dated a really great, smart, and professionally successful guy (he's 27). The only problem I have is that his past is literally littered with ex girlfriends. He has a mentality that dating is fun and doesn't need to be anything serious. In fact, the girl before me he dated for a year on and off but he knew "she wasn't the one." He really only ended the relationship because I came along. Needless to say he has way more sexual experience as a result since he was in a new relationship every so often. I know that he's very much interested in a long future with me but I get scared about this past that suggests a neediness to have someone in your life. Moreover, because a lot of these relationships were fun and didn't have a lot of deep feelings he's friends with a few of these girls and he has drinks/coffee so often with them and tells me when he does go. I don't have a problem with that so much as his buddy-buddiness with past sexual partners. However, maybe I just can't relate because every sexual partner I've had was serious and feelings were too deep to continue as friends at any point?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (29 September 2009):
 This one strikes deep to personal insecurity and trust issues.
The thing that you're looking at is that your boyfriend is a "player", that sort of life-long bachelor who is happier not getting too emotional, and too committed to make a lifetime plan with a girl.
If you don't know if you're the one with him, then you need to assess how deep an emotional commitment you have towards him, and what kind of emotional commitment he has towards you.
One thing you ought to do is outright ask him. If he considers you a friend with some sexual benefits, then you know where you stand. If in fact he considers you something more than just another play partner in his life, then you should explore how permanent this arrangement is going to be.
The only reason why I raise this to you is obviously you don't want to waste years of your life on a man who at the drop of a hat, when someone new comes around, will drop you and move on.
The problem that you'll have with players is that the are often very romantic, very adept at persuading you that you're an important part of their life, but its a matter of self-deception and deceiving you.
They may say they "love" you but the reality is, they're not in love with you.
So the real question that you have to address is of course how deeply committed he is to you.
If you have your doubts, now's the time to express them. Otherwise, the more time you commit to him, and the more playing he does with you; the worse its going to be in the end.
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