A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneMy BF grew up in a broken family. His mother cheated on his father, she also lied couple of times. She tried to come back to his father many times (11years on and off), but only to use him and than go back to someone else. My BF stayed w his father, meanwhile his mother has his two sisters (older than him). He hates his mother and they are not talking at all due to some problems from last year (she not talking to him for a half a year and than suddenly calling on his Bday like nothing ever happened).My question is ... What kinda side effects this could leave on my BF? He is very stubborn. And even tho he saiz he trusts me, I dont think he does. Every time I go out alone (and thats really not often) the next day he saiz things like"So how many guys did you fuck last night" ... etc. That are very painful to me! He also doesnt want to compromise at all!!!!! For example, I do everything he wants to do, cause I love him and I want to see all his hobbies and try liking them too .. but he wont do anything i like (even a stupid walk on a beach)cause he doesnt like it and thats it!!! Also he is not big of a gentleman - leaves me w 10shopping bags in the car meanwhile he is going home empty handed! On the other hand .. he is a very loving and sensitive person and I lovehim to death. He is all I ever wanted .. I am just affraid that there could be things in his head he is not telling me and I will be surprised one day when they come out ... So does anyone have any idea or experience with such a problem from past?Thank you all
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female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (8 May 2008):
I am glad he's close to his father at least but has he spoken about this mom with his father? Told his father he deserves better? And that it's time to move on, that a hard thing to say to ones parent but nevertheless.
Still even without drug addictions this woman's behavior is very hurtful, and shows a lot instability you don't have to have mental problem or addiction to benefit from therapy. Even ordinary healthy people go if they've been through a rough patch.
Anyways goodluck XDDDD
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he talks to his father on daily baces. They are very good friends.
His father still loves his mother and wants her back, but she doesnt know what she wants, She just likes to use everyone and than leave!!! She does not have any kinda drug problems or any other seriousu problem.
He is very stubborn and wont call her untill she calls. And I have the feeling that even if she calls him, he will hang up on her or have a nasty phone call over and over again.
I tried talking to him, but he is very hurt and doesnt want to talk about it much,cause he feels it wont get better anyway so why bother.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP
T
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (8 May 2008):
Its great that he's spoken with her. My dad never contacted me again after my talk and its been years. Not only that he actually just thinks that my husband won't let me see him, he missed the whole point about him raping me and such. He's not capable of taking any type of responsibility at all. Just because someone is your parent does not mean you have to forgive them or keep a relationship with them, you have to do what is right and healthy for you. A lot of people just tolerate extreme abuse from the parents and keep trying to work it out. He'll need to come to a decision with his mom like he won't have contact unless she seeks therapy in earnest, goes to a rehab facility if she has drug problems etc.
Has your husband spoken to his father who is also a part of this equation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe spoke to her two months ago .. on the phone ...
He told her how much she is hurting not only his father by coming back and forward all the time, but also him. His father still loves her and is trying hard to understand her and maybe get her back ... but she is such a liar and just has serious mental issues I would say.
He was heartbroken after he spoke to her and told her, to not call him untill she seriously figures out what she wants in her life and that he doesnt care if she will be iwth his dad or the other guy, but she has to stop coming back and forward and hurting everyone around her by doing this ...
SHE NEVER CALLED BACK !!!
I want to help him, but I dont know how
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (8 May 2008):
You said he was fake nice with his mother? Have you gotten him to honestly say how he feels about her? I had to confront my dad, it may be time he actually spoke to his mother honestly, about how she's hurt him. I had to end the relationship with my dad b/c it was not healthy and he would not change, it may be that he's got unresolved issues with her, that need to be dealt with before he can let go and forward with his life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you ...
Just to make it lil more clear...
My boyfriend is not a bad person at all and would never hurt me in any way!! He is lovely, friendly and spends all his free time with me. He is not abusive at all and I am not affraid that he would hit me or even cheat on me. I know I can trust him. The problem is, that I dont know how to show him, that I am NOT his mother and I WILL NOT do what she did to him.
I can't just go streight to him and tell him that, because he will think I am too much in his business ...
He did tell me the whole story and he tells me everything from his past. I know about all his ex GFs, his problems, loves,hates, ... everything I ask him, he answers with no guestion. I dont have problem getting informations about his past out of him, because he told me, ha has nothing to hide and he wants meto know everything
I am just trying to figure out, how to show him, I am not what she was and he can completely trust me and also try to be more compromising with me and lil more gentleman.
I love this man with all my heart and I want to marry him and have family with him and I just want to make sure that I do everything thats in my power to make him feel that I am the one and I am not going to hurt him like his mother did.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (7 May 2008):
 There are hard knocks and there are behaviors that are wrong. I didn't get to slide on anything and like wizard, for me, that was a good thing. But when the people who are supposed to teach you how to interface with the world are sociopaths, you are left drifting like a ship out on the sea. And it runs deeper that just being clueless or having nondescript issues.. How do you learn to trust a woman when you have seen your mother never for even one day of your life not be involved with a man behind your fathers back. And be forced to lie to him to cover her tracks. And be glad to do it for fear of what would happen if he got a clue of what was going on. What do you do when your father pounds your mother down to the floor for nothing but being 30 minutes late from the store. Is that kid being abused? No one is touching him. Not sexually. Not even excessive punishment. The police in that day and age would stick their head in the door and nothing else. Or so I've heard. My father was very kind to me but that would have stopped if I had brought in outsiders. Hell...and this is my point...this was all we knew. It sure didn't seem right. But I was baggage around that house. When you hear the phrase children should be seen and not heard, man we lived it. I could become wallpaper in a tenth of a second.I never used the word issues outside of the context of receiving a magazine until I was 30 years old. You can distance yourself from that time. You get out on your own and find that they are the ones that are fucked up and what you thought was right is what really is right, but you will never wipe that off of your hard drive. They say that you seek that out as an adult. I thought it was all bullshit. My two wives have been pillars of virtue and chastity. All up until the day I found them racked up with some other guy. How did I manage to hook up with cheaters. When I was so careful to sift through and find people that looked as solid as a rock. Ask Freud because I don't have the answer. Just don't be too quick to dismiss what impact these things have long term.
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (7 May 2008):
I come from an a very abusive background personally and I know I guess first hand how it can affect your relationships if you let it. I am with q1605 though just b/c you've suffered abuse it doesn't give you the right to abuse. You have to uphold the same standards or decency and morality as everyone else, there's no free pass. Though painful I had to open up to my husband completely about what's happened to me, he has a right to know as my partner I feel. Despite the things my dad has done to me, I don't blame my husband or take it out on him. I was molested by my father but I trust that my husband would never ever molest our daughter and I think part of that trust comes from choosing to open to him with my painful past and having him love and accept me, if anything he's helped me to heal and I've grown a lot because of his support and unconditional love. Your lover needs therapy, if he's not ready yet to talk to you, then he needs to talk to someone, he needs to take initiative in his own mental health and well-being. He needs to take his life back, this is a hard thing and your support would be invaluable. However, if he is unwilling to get help or if despite help he continues to abuse you, you have to look out for your own mental health as well, you should not tolerate being abused. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, you can't baby this man, he's an adult. If the relationship is hurting you or too unhealthy then you need to end it. Before you go that far you may want to have a serious talk sit him down explain how his behavior is really hurting you, tell him its about time he stopped taking out his pain on you, its about time he honestly dealt with his feelings. If he's willing commits to therapy talks to you and improves that's wonderful but if not you really deserve better and you shouldn't feel the least bit guilty about ending an abusive/unhealthy relationship.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (7 May 2008):
Oh man. bad bad bad bad sign. I grew up in a way that was unimaginable, but someone has to stop the cycle. Someone must stop perpetuating things that are clearly wrong. I have always said, what ever abuse or dysfunction you were surrounded by does not give you carte blanche to engage. If anything you should be more sensitive to just how wrong it all is. Tell him it is not possible for you to atone for the sins of his mother. Tell him that if he cannot temper his behavior from within you must leave. And if he doesn't follow up you need to follow through. Even if it breaks your heart more then his. It will not get better and you have only seen the tip of the ice berg.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Hi Hunny
Yes this can and by the sounds of things has had an affect on how he views women in general...If you can try and talk to him about your feelings and ask him if going to counselling would be of help to him as its hard to grow up like this and not be affected at all sweetheart..Try and do it in a way that offers support rather than saying he has a problem if ya get me love as he obviously has alot of stuff going through his head and when your out the coments made are obviously connected to his mum, He needs to get some help to understand that not all women will let you down and not all women will behave like this, But being your mum thats moulded your upbringing and growing up seeing your dads pain will have left a mark hunny, Message me if you need a chat I HOPE THIS HELPS SWEETHEAR WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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