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female
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*rsrita2002
writes: Dear Cupid, I am kind of in a strange situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We had lived in an apartment in Philadelphia together for about a year and a half. My boyfriend had a difficult time finding a job there. He went back to his home (Virginia) and began working with his brother. After discussing the situation we decided that if I found work there we would get an apartment in VA and live there. Shortly after I found a job in VA my boyfriend began working at a tattoo shop in Maryland (tattooing and art are his dream). Once this happened he talked me into living with his parents in Maryland and trying to save for a house. So my boyfriend and I (as well as our dog that we have had since she was a puppy) moved in with his parents. At first, it was really strained because I was driving over an hour into work everyday but eventually I got used to it. About a month after we had lived there my boyfriend's mom came to us and asked us to get rid of our dog saying that the dog hair was making her get migraines (even though she has 2 dogs of her own). I suggested we get an apartment. I was already strained with the driving and everything else (another thing is that my boyfriends parents and family speak English but their first language is Spanish which is the primary language in the household - considering that I do not speak that language it makes things difficult for me amd makes me feel uncomfortable and out of place). He immediately got angry saying that we would be giving up the dream of getting a house and him opening his own tattoo shop. Eventually he talked to his mom about us cleaning more, etc and she said the dog could stay. After that I vacuumed 3-4 times a week, brushed the dog daily and bathed her every week. About 2 weeks later (a tuesday) my boyfriend's sister came to me and said that her mom said that the dog had to go. She said that her mom was uncomfortable talking to me and that was why she was telling me. When my boyfriend came home. I told him what had happened. I was rather upset considering I have raised this dog since she was a puppy however I talked with my mother and she agreed to keep the dog temporarily. My boyfriend and I agreed to wait 3 months and reassess our situation. My boyfriends birthday was that following weekend and he was having a party. So I decided to stay in Maryland that weeekend so that I could be there for his party and would take the dog to my mothers in Pennsylvania the following weekend. The Monday after his birthday when I got home from work there was a tyoe written letter taped to the front of our bedroom door. In the letter his mom (she did apoligize - the letter was not mean but...) wrote that the dog had to be out within 2 weeks or August 20th. I was so upset that I left the house... I did not make a scene I just left and went to the mall. I could not believe that while I had gone grocery shopping with his mom on Saturday and cooked breakfast with her on Sunday she did not say one word to me or ask what was going on with the dog. Instead she had my boyfriends sister type a letter to post on our door. When my boyfriend got home later that evening he said something to them and they said it was merely a misunderstanding and that no bad intentions were meant however I do not feel that I can continue living there. I feel that the arrangement is straining my relationship with his family and if it continues it will be ruined. My boyfriend works till 8 or 9 everynight and on Saturdays so most times I am there by myself. We are talking about apartments and beginning to look but my boyfriend is so angry and is saying that I am ruining our dreams and that we are going to be broke forever. I honestly do not know what to do. I do not know how to talk to him to get him to understand the point I am at. I am so stressed that I am getting migraines almost everyday and I am always on the verge of tears. I am honestly trying to so hard... but he does not see that. I am so tired of being uncomfortabe and of having him angry at me. What do I do? He has agreed to get an apartment but he is so angry about it that I know that anytime anything goes wrong he will blame it on me. And I am at the point where I do not feel that it is fair for him to expect me to continue living there. Help!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): Get some counselling so that he can better sort out his feelings rather then always reacting with anger when something happens he doesn't like...it's life; things will always happen that we may not be happy with but it is attitude that makes things harder or manageable.
I think your bf has a temper and this needs to be dealt with. I also think he may be a bit self motivated.
It is good that he is willing to move but his attitude needs adjustment.
Do move out with or without him; explain how this is emotionally draining for you and that the stress is great and you fear it will ruin the relationship even further.
Counselling.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 August 2006):
 I think your boyfriend is being a bit selfish. They are his dreams to open a shop and get a house...not necessarily yours. Relationships are all about compromise. I understand that your relationship with his family maybe strained but there is always room for compromise in dreams and plans. You cannot be living in misery for the next couple of years for your boyfriend's benefit. I don't think you are being unreasonable about getting a rented place until you have saved for your own house purchase. I understand that rent eats into your deposit but you could get a cheap place nearer to where you work and would save a fortune in transport costs. There has to be some centre point between where he works, and where you work on a map! He seems 'angry' because he is not getting everything his own way. Perhaps you ought to think of getting a small place by yourself - you may find your relationship improves without the pressure of his family, and you can keep the dog that way, and show your boyfriend that you can stand on your own two feet (six feet if you include the dog!). I am not saying rent a palace but surely you could afford to rent a small place by yourself - it sounds like a bit of space is what you may need right now. If your boyfriend isn't willing to compromise on his dreams for some of your comforts put a BIG question mark above this relationship as long-term happiness is all about give and take on both sides. Good luck!
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