A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What does it mean when a man says you must have been hot/ pretty when you were younger or asks if you used to look like some famous star . I’m trying hard not to be offended by his comments but they seem to imply he thinks I’m not hot anymore ? And as nice as it is to settle for being found ‘attractive enough to date ‘ I’d like someone who is attracted to my personality and finds me very attractive or hot just like I find him Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019): I get the sense that he meant "you must have been thought of as hot when you were younger by many guys", in other words, I get the sense that he is seeing you now, thinking you look hot NOW, and thinking "gee, in college she must have been the talk of the town" kind of thing, when everyone was young, single and free.
Yes, as others have pointed out hot is a term generally used FOR women in their twenties and BY men in their twenties. I think he is just imagining how many guys must have swarmed you in college.
But honestly men tend to say some pretty dumb things where they don't even know what they mean.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019): Op here A role play ? So pretend I’m the younger me ? As if the way or age I am now is not good enough just like he is suggesting
Are you suggesting I go along with this fantasy of his as if I agree I was somehow better or hotter then ?
This would make me just feel horrible about myself . Women are already made to feel so bad about aging in this world . I’d like to hold my head up high and be proud of my age rather than role play I’m younger which is why I asked the question in the first place
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2019): he's doing what I think many men are doing, thinking something... but then saying it when they shouldn't!
We have to be honest, what the current idea of 'hot' is means someone in their twenties that looked after themselves. But that's a generic idea of hot- you know know that there are men in their twenties who are hot- and 'hot' would be a collective noun you might use, but you also know men your own age who are hot- albeit in a different way.
I have thought this myself many times (though never said it) with a woman in her late thirties or older who is very attractive and has clearly looked after themselves. And it is condescending to think 'she must have been WOW 10 years ago' especially when you're looking at her now and thinking WOW! But, you know us men are fickle creatures.
If you two are an item, make a role play out of it. If you're flirting and want to get it together- tell him he can have you as you are now or he can keep dreaming about the past you. If he's just making these comments in passing and there's nothing else there, ask him just how young he means and pressure him for a number.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2019): I beg to differ! There are plenty of over 40s who are way hotter than women half their age! I still turn heads at almost 52! :)
I don't think it was a mean thing to say as much as a thoughtless comment. He might have meant it to be a compliment but you didn't think so.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2019):
 I am not even sure that " hot " is such a great compliment, all considered.
" Hot " does not mean attractive , or pretty. It means
" sexually arousing ", " attractive in a way that makes one immediately think of sex ".
A woman in your age range can be attractive, beautiful, handsome, good-looking, striking , etc.etc. but very seldom her appeal will consist in an immediate siren song to male gonads .
From this point of view, the appeal of a female in her 20s is more primal, because, after all.. biology.
Also, you won't hear " hot " to signify that the woman has, say, a lovely button of a French nose, or classically symmetrical features. It's more related to sexual or sexualized body parts, like breasts and butt.
Now, while I surely believe that you may be attractive, even a real beauty, - I seriously doubt that your appeal will be immediately sexual, or AS immediately sexual as it was when you were 20.
Is that such a bad thing ?.. Do you really care about being seen by this man or others, as something that automatically makes them think of having sex ?....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): I meant to say:
"Consider how the words came across...I'd skip this one! That won't be the last line you'll hear like that!"
"Like calling a full-grown man cute!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): When someone doesn't seem to know how to articulate their thoughts, it's often a sign of a very limited intellect.
He doesn't know how to compliment a lady. If he's also over 40; experience should have smoothed the rough-edges. Look how the it came across...I'd skip this one! That won't be the last line you'll hear like that!
Your beauty and desirability doesn't hang on his opinion; and you are not defined by lame compliments. He meant to be nice, but he's not smart enough to know how to put it in words.
The guy is a dimwit!
You would do yourself a huge favor by not undercutting your dignity and grace by wanting to be referred to as hot. That's okay for females in their 20's!
The reference isn't usually taken seriously. You're too mature and dignified for it. Like calling a full-grown "cute!" Boys, babies, and puppies are cute. I'd excuse the crippled-compliment; and find a more mature-thinking and refined gentlemen.
Mature with grace. We lose our youthful-hotness; and we replace it with terms more age-appropriate. It's silly over 40! Once we mature, we become more refined and dignified; such minor things are beneath us.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (14 November 2019):
 "What does it mean when a man says" this is a clear request for a translation from manese.
Here is my translation.
"I'm attracted to you and am trying to compliment you"
Now for the advice:
First I'm going to advise you to believe my translation over yours.
Second My advice is to be more positive in your self esteem and in your assessment of others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): I'm in your age group, in my opinion the description someone gives you changes at different ages. Like you wouldn't call a young girl hot, a teenager/early twenties a man would be more likely to say a female is hot if he thinks she is and our age group a more mature opinion, ie beautiful. I used to be called hot a lot, I think I'm still attractive but I doubt I get called 'hot'
I think you're reading too much into it...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): It's called negging. Where thry give you a backhanded compliment intended to make you want to be more attractive to them to win their approval. I agree you should find someone who says you're hot now!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 November 2019):
 I don't think it means you WERE hot and you AREN'T now, I think it's just a very backwards compliment.
My Dad's GF (they are 80(Dad) and 70(GF) by the way) were a STUNNER in her 20's. She is STILL a pretty attractive lady at age 70, but she WAS a SUPER BABE at 20. We all age, OP.
He might think you are HOT now but that you were SUPER hot when you were younger. Which honestly, is what happens to us ALL growing older (HIM included).
And I'm sorry, not many women (or men for that matter) ARE as hot as they were when they were younger, that is just a fact. DOESN'T mean you STILL aren't hot and attractive.
I get that you want a partner to BE attracted to YOU looks AND personality. But I think you are reading more into this than HE meant.
I think a guy wanting to be with you because he likes ALL of you (not just something as superficial as looks) is better than someone who JUST want a pretty woman on his arm.
Who would tell someone "you MUST have been hot when younger" and think it's a compliment? Someone really stupid.
He is either being a rude idiot or just rude.
If this is a NEW guy you are seeing I'd pay attention to what else uncouth things he is saying. Because there ARE some men who will try and knock your self confidence for no other reason than to make YOU grateful for their attentions. IF he is THAT kind of a guy, I'd toss him right back in the sea.
If this was a one time "badly thought out compliment" I'd chalk it up to him not thinking before speaking.
Instead of being offended, why not just tell him, Hey I'm still a babe and I know it!
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